To worry about oldest friend - barely any contact from her for 9 months

[EmeraldDreams73]

This is likely to be long, I'm sorry.

My oldest friend, P, lives about 1.5 hours from me, we've been very close for 45 years. Pre-technology we had the odd year or two where we just caught up by letter, but have been in very regular contact (usually WhatsApp) for probably the last 20 years. Our kids are similar ages. It's been rare for us to go more than a few days without contact, or a couple of weeks absolute max, though it ebbs and flows as we're both busy. We've been a huge support to each other for many years.

I got married 9 months ago (no, I didn't bombard her with tons of wedding shit beforehand! We had the odd chat about plans, she was definitely excited for it). She did a beautiful reading which was fab and I mentioned her in my speech, she and her family had a great time from what I could tell. No falling out or cross words at all. We were in touch briefly over Christmas as usual, but didn't manage to meet up (but had seen each other at the wedding just before, so I wasn't concerned).

I know she's always under a lot of pressure with work (p/t but very demanding), and I do remember her saying in January that she'd probably be a bit quieter than usual for a few weeks, as there was a lot going on with elderly parents and in laws as well. Obviously I said no problem, I don't want to add to her worries/stress with my own expectations, and said I'm here any time, don't worry at all.

But here we are in Sept and I've heard almost nothing from her since January and I'm worried. I suddenly know nothing at all about what's happening in her life when for 45 years we've had a pretty good idea of what's going on for each other. She has sent kind messages/ cards for my birthday and to my dds, all of which seem perfectly normal, but has given zero updates on her own life and asked for zero support, whereas she normally relies on me for emotional support, as I do her.

It just feels like something major must be going on and I miss her and I suppose I'm upset at the thought that she would normally want to talk to me but for some reason doesn't atm. I've tried really hard not to be upset but the longer it goes on, can't help it. It feels like grief.

I have messaged her a few times, never asking for anything from her, just giving brief bits of news as normal at first, and reiterating now and then that I was thinking of her and hoped she was OK. I've left it weeks on end between messages and tried to keep anything I do send as very short and low key, just checking in and never asking for a reply etc. I have said that I'm worried about her and that I'm here if she needs me, she responded with a heart emoji but still no contact. I'm almost sure she's not upset with me, there's been nothing I can think of at all but it often keeps me awake at night wondering.

Of course I realises she has no obligation to keep me in the loop, but after 45 years of being so close, and after multiple school hols where I hoped she'd get in touch (she works in education, as does her DP), I'm getting increasingly worried. I am also feeling hurt if I'm honest, not that I'd tell her - I don't want to make whatever she's going through about me. I do know that she's been struggling with menopause and she's had mh difficulties in the past, as has her DP and several members of her extended family.

I had an issue with another friend a few months ago (v different character and not a mutual friend, she was spectacularly bitchy to me and I was extremely upset but we sorted it out). While that was going on I did send P a more emotional message late one night - I felt like I was losing all my oldest friends, though didn't say that. Just said I really hoped she was OK, and if I'd done anything to upset her to please let me know, told her how much she means to me etc. She didn't answer that, which I took to mean that it's nothing I've done, and have made sure since to just send occasional, low key messages.

We have one mutual friend who is very blunt (and pretty rude at times, v different to both me and P) and when P has gone quiet in the past we would normally ask each other if she was OK. When I did this around March, she didn't reply and has ignored a couple of other enquiries - very out of character but we are in touch as normal, so I've assumed she either isn't worried, or has heard from P and she just doesn't want to be in close touch with me for now/at all. Which is fuelling the worry!

Has anyone else had this happen? I miss P so much. It feels like I'm being kept firmly at arm's length - she sends cards and the odd message (eg good luck to dd2 when she started college last week), it feels bizarre to have that contact without the other side of our friendship, ie any knowledge at all of what's going on for her. I want to help, to listen, to know if she's OK.

AIBU to be worried? I wouldn't dream of contacting her parents or anything, but it's so upsetting. Should I stop even my attempts at keeping things low key in case they're construed as pressure? Or keep going in the hope that whatever is going on, she eventually feels she wants to reconnect?

Sorry this is so long.

To the poster who laughed at my message on 30/12/24 at 15.39 - I find it strange.

Is that a case of hitting the wrong emoji?

I hope so @EmeraldRoulette.

Ok, fair enough. So what is your cut off point? At what point will you just stop trying? She's still offering crumbs of friendship that she clearly did not intend to keep, which again got a response, but where is the point where you just walk away and stop trying? I ask as for most people that point will likely have been a long time ago. Do you think you are there yet?

Entirely fair question. In my own mind, if she doesn't come back confirming one of those dates (and actually turn up) I'll take that as all the proof I need and block her.

It's entirely natural to spend more time thinking about friends and family at this time of year - you don't need to explain yourself. The typical "we must catch up with our friends and family over the holiday" will have been one reminder, the fact that P disengaged almost exactly a year ago will be another. Likewise P may also be thinking about you more than usual, hence her communicating (at last).

Hopefully whatever happens, you can accept that it's about her, not you, and there's nothing more that you could have done. She'll feel like she has her reasons of course, but if she won't tell you what they are, that's her choice. And you can likewise choose to accept it and move on.

I think that's a reasonable plan. Ultimately I just don't feel she's offering any sort of closure herself so you need to bring your own closure to this.

You sent her the dates this morning and she hasn't even bothered to reply. What an arsehole

I agree with this. I think she's enjoyed having "power".

She must have some amazing qualities because I think she sounds bloody awful.

Give me her address OP. I'll go and sort her out for you 🤣

Fair point, well made!

The idea of this woman eye rolling and harrumphing that she'll need to reply, or (more likely) planning to ignore procrastinate (🤬 I mean what a piss take!) again is annoying me way more than it should 🙈
The OP is a soft soul, she doesn't deserve any tough talk, but it's hard to see someone accept such shoddy treatment!!!

I sent them at 10pm last night actually!

I definitely won't be messaging her again, but somehow I do still feel deep down that I'd be the unreasonable/unfair for closing the door completely. Logically, I can see that's pathetic, but she has been unfailingly lovely to me for so many years, there really is NO precedent here.

It does feel like I've failed an exam I didn't know I was sitting! I thought my confidence was really starting to grow in the last few years, but actually this situation has knocked it right back, so it was pretty fragile anyway.

I've been aware a lot lately of feeling a bit nervous of anything I say to other friends (not about this, just in general ordinary conversation) - in case it precipitates another dumping out of nowhere! I'm not showing or mentioning that to them, btw.

I clearly need to keep working on rebuilding my confidence, setting boundaries, and focus on other friends who are all appalled on my behalf. Then again, I'd have said P would have been the same if the boot was on a different foot, and look how wrong I was on that one!

When I've started threads about ghosting, the number of posters who turn up screaming in outrage that they shouldn't be expected to reply...and these people would turn up at the funeral - to look like they care. (Sorry for the morbid reference, it actually came up in a podcast so I mentioned it here).

@EmeraldDreams73 " I thought my confidence was really starting to grow in the last few years, but actually this situation has knocked it right back, so it was pretty fragile anyway.
I've been aware a lot lately of feeling a bit nervous of anything I say to other friends (not about this, just in general ordinary conversation) - in case it precipitates another dumping out of nowhere! I'm not showing or mentioning that to them, btw."

I've been through some unfortunate friendship stuff over the last few years. It's quite well documented on here so I won't bore you. But I am out the other side now. And I've got over it. And I stopped blaming myself ages ago but it took longer to process the sorrow.

So for what it's worth, some thoughts

I think losing a long-term friend would knock anybody's confidence. I don't think it's a sign that you're lacking in any way.

Also, I was really censoring myself excessively because I was worried I'd done or said something wrong.

I realised it's not a good idea because it would just mean friendship based on falsehoods.

I do think people are more likely to make a big deal out of small things lately - and things like misunderstanding over message can easily occur. I certainly wouldn't try and have anything more than a practical conversation (about arrangements for meeting up for example) via message.

But generally, you've been unlucky here -and I know it's shit - but you will recover. Item one is don't blame yourself.

Thank you so much for this x

I thought my confidence was really starting to grow in the last few years, but actually this situation has knocked it right back

It’s possible she didn’t like your new confidence…

@EmeraldDreams73 please don't take this behaviour to heart i know it is easier said than done but this awful behavior is on your friend not you. Had you done something to upset her she could have very easily spoken to you, text or whatever and you could have discussed it and hopefully resolved it. She didn't give you the opportunity to do that and I suspect that is because there isn't really anything you have done and that becomes a challenge when you asked what it is so that you can put it right. She is keeping you dangling now and that's just nasty.

You've overcome so much,.look at where you are now its fantastic. As I explained in a previous post I realised my friend became more and more distant the happier I became it took me a long time to realise that was why she was (almost) ghosting me. The final nail was deleting me off Facebook and blocking me a week before my wedding. It was designed to hurt and derail me and it did indeed hurt me but I now just look back and feel incredibly sorry for a person who is so bitter with life that they only want people in theirs that are struggling.

Obviously I'm only speaking from my own experience and surmising but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little jealousy there that you have found happiness

@EmeraldRoulette I've read one of your threads now on this, had never realised what a common theme it is. It's so interesting to see people's perspectives. I agree that social media and smartphones have made it easier for a lot of people to stay connected where otherwise they may not have done, but it becomes superficial and fragile when it's not backed up with a real, reciprocal connection

People need to stop worrying about other people so.much and filling their head with all this nonsense.

Think positive thoughts stop chasing people up who aren't worth it.
Move on there are loads of other people on this planet.
She dosent even sound very nice.
Life is hard enough without worrying about so called friends every day. They aren't worried about you.

Agree with this re messaging. I lost a friend this year, partly to do with a fall out over messages. It was a fairly new friend, and it wasn’t the only reason (complex situation involving someone else, too long to explain here) but dealing with it over text caused far more misunderstandings than if we had been face to face .
I really hope you do meet in person OP, such a long friendship is irreplaceable and it sounds as though like me, your friend has dealt with things badly. Hopefully you will gain understanding of each other, and you will feel able to forgive her.

I've been aware a lot lately of feeling a bit nervous of anything I say to other friends (not about this, just in general ordinary conversation) - in case it precipitates another dumping out of nowhere!

@EmeraldDreams73 This is what ended up happening to me, and I think I've perhaps spoken to @EmeraldRoulette about these things on similar threads in the past. After the sting of being dropped, picked up and dropped again by the very close friend I referred to in my previous post had faded, I tried to put myself out there a bit. I joined Bumble BFF (the friends app), and tried to get to know an acquaintance better. I met someone really lovely on Bumble BFF, we would go on long walks together and she told me how glad she was to have met me etc, but after a couple of months she disappeared. Then the acquaintance disappeared too. Both of them had things going on at the time (particularly the acquaintance) so it was quite possibly nothing to do with me but it still really knocked my confidence and I started to feel there must be something very unlikeable about the way I come across.

I stopped socialising after that, until about a year later I met someone I really clicked with and I found myself relaxing around him somewhat. He was always enthusiastic about meeting up and we'd chat in between too. He got into a relationship and I was pleased for him, although from some of the things he told me I privately thought it sounded rather intense and red flag-y. A couple of months later I was ghosted. I think the most likely explanation is either she didn't like him spending time with me, or perhaps he picked up on my concern (I never said anything), but I still drove myself crazy racking my brains and going over and over what I could have done or said to cause it, and deep down I still feel it must have been my fault.

Since then I've become more and more reserved to the point of quite extreme avoidance. I'm afraid to let anyone see 'me', so my walls go up and I put on a front when I'm around people. I avoid socialising and don't go looking for new friends or put effort into acquaintances because I don't want to have to go through the pain of being dropped again. I met a woman on a course in the summer who was keen to swap numbers and meet again. I hesitated but have been cautiously getting to know her over the past six months. She's lovely, such a great person to spend time with and we've so much in common, but my walls are very much still up because I feel like it's only a matter of time before she disappears too.

I think if I'd had a nice family and/or a stable relationship these things probably wouldn't have bothered me so much, but it's hard not to take it to heart when you haven't had the consistency of solid, loving people in your life who lay the foundation that you're an ok person (and even harder if you've been in a relationship with someone who's made it their mission to convince you you're not an ok person). So although I can see how unhealthy it is that I've cut myself off so much from other people, it genuinely feels essential for the sake of my mental health and retaining what's left of my self-esteem. Fortunately I've learnt to be ok with that as much as one can be, but it's not exactly how I pictured my life turning out

It sounds like you do have some nice, stable people in your life though OP, so forget about this woman and spend time with those who make you feel good about yourself.

I've been thinking about this thread a lot as I have wondered over the past year if I'm in a period of transition with a few friends.

Your thread reminded me of the weird phenomenon of close friends disappearing after big life events.

Does anyone else, for example, have that bridesmaid they are no longer in touch with? But like disappeared quite quickly afterwards. Or a godparent? Maybe people won't own up to this easily, it can be quite embarrassing to experience. But it's almost like certain events can be the 'high water mark' of the friendship. Dolly Anderton wrote about this in one of her columns in the Times.

I honestly can't think what you could have possibly done wrong, OP, that couldn't have been addressed by her for a full bloody year and another mutual friend knows about it. Is there any chance that the friendship was already in retreat, so to speak, before your wedding?

The friend is starting to come across as attention seeking and very hard work.

I am concerned for you putting yourself through any conversation, it might be painful and still not be 'the truth.' So what's that for then? Maybe to say goodbye properly. If you're prepared to see the conversation on that basis, I'd go for it.

Otherwise I'd probably protect myself and look for ways to put this behind me/neutralise the emotion around it.

She apologised for the lack of contact and said it had gone on far longer than she intended

She was punishing you for something and you can bet your bottom dollar it was because you didn't make sufficient fuss over her birthday as you were otherwise occupied with getting married. She's not a dear friend anymore is she? She comes across as a jealous spiteful person.

I think if you’d done something bad enough to justify this treatment from a lifelong friend then you’d know. Given you didn’t run over her cat or have an affair with her husband then it’s just cruel.

Excellent username @ICantBelieveItsNotButtercunt