Using the word meltdown when they mean tantrum?

[TheHeadOfTheHouse]

Has anyone noticed that nobody says tantrum anymore?

Every time a child has a tantrum, theres a parent saying they’re having a meltdown.

Theres a massive difference between a tantrum and a meltdown, but it appears hardly anybody likes to say their child is having a tantrum anymore.

Such a first world problem, but it really annoys me 🤣

😅😅🤦🏾‍♀️😅

Add 'trauma' to that list

@Jimmyneutronsforehead Do you think NT people CAN have meltdowns? I can only speak from an autistic perspective and am assuming that they can, because I understand that they also become overwhelmed and can lose control of their emotions. Your post is giving me pause, though, because the consequences you describe (and that I recognise from my own meltdowns, like how long it takes to recover) are maybe not part of an NT person's experience.

It would be interesting to hear from an NT adult about their own experience of what they would call a meltdown, not from the outsider perspective of observing a child having one.

This idea is awesome! 😉

I don’t think any one group gets to adopt the word ‘meltdown’ for a sole response. It’s been used for decades to mean an emotional outburst. I’m not sure who first decided it be used for overstimulation, but it very likely came after it being used for a general emotional response.

It's not for me to classify other people's children's behaviour, but when it's mine a tantrum is the usual toddler sort of thing. Meltdown is something that I suspect is related to his autism.

I kind of assume that others are using it the same way?

Ok, but what was the definition of a "tantrum" then? I don't think that you should give the definition of only one word when two words are being discussed. You should also take both definitions from the same dictionary. It could also help your case if you told us which dictionary you used, because you could have trawled a lot of dictionaries before finding one that said exactly what you wanted it to in regards to "meltdowns".

That means people who are annoyed shall be better informed, so they won’t need to be annoyed unnecessarily.

I'm not a NT adult either. My own meltdowns have had me branded the crazy ex girlfriend, a primadonna, and many other slurs. I've been unable to stop the course of a meltdown even though I know the negativity that comes from it. It leaves me feeling guilty, shameful, exhausted, depressed, suicidal and isolated and it costs me many relationships.

I'm sure NT can experience extreme emotional dysregulation to this degree but if it's happening regularly then it's probably part of a disorder which would likely mean they're not NT.

If a NT said to me they had a meltdown, I would expect it mean a catastrophic and devastating uncontrollable loss of emotional function that has disabled them from accessing a service, relationship or failed in getting their needs met.

I find it really annoying when people say tantrums mean a child is naughty or ill-disciplined.

Tantrums are developmentally normal and the sign of a toddler developing as you'd expect them to. They are a result of not being able to get something they want, of not being understood, of trying to test boundaries, of seeing how their behaviour influences others, of being overwhelmed by emotion they don't understand.

For most people they stop as we grow up as we grow up and learn to deal with our emotions in different ways. (Some healthy, some not so much).

Having a tantrum is not the sign of an ill-disciplined child. If anything I'd argue the opposite. A child given everything they want who is never made to do anything they don't want to do won't need to have a tantrum because they are so protected from any negative emotions.

Those definitions aren't the same

Distressed autistic behaviours can include not being able to do things because of being in a state of emotional overwhelm, or intense sensory discomfort, or because of differences in social understanding, so this is not as simple as you suggest.

I use the term distressed behaviour rather than meltdown. I also avoid the term challenging behaviour because that term is now used for different situations than it used to be.

They are called invisible disabilities for a reason; you cannot, as a casual observer distinguish.

I don’t agree. Tantrum has contentions of being purposely disobedient and lashing out in response to not getting what they want, whereas a meltdown is an overwhelm of emotions which is difficult for an immature nervous system to control.

I think Autism and SEN is a red herring in this argument. In those cases, meltdown is being used as short for Autistic meltdown. Which can present like a tornado or be totally silent. Huge range. It just means the person can no longer cope with a situation.

But an Autistic meltdown has nothing to do with a 'standard' meltdown.

A 'standard' meltdown can be had by anyone, child or adult. In a small child it is pretty interchangeable from a tantrum but maybe more severe, I don't know. But it's really just a descriptive term for not being able to deal with any more and that can apply for anyone for any number of reasons.

I whole heartedly agree.
My ND child has a meltdown.
My NT child has a tantrum.

They're entirely different beasts, NT child has a tantrum because they're pissed off, they move on, we all do.
ND child has a meltdown and we've had to take him to hospital for after care of self injurious behaviour.

It used to really irritate me when I'd hear mums say about their kids having meltdowns when they're just typical kids having a moan because they're overtired etc and it's really just nothing major when mine would attack me to the point I've had black eyes, a fat lip and scars all over my face and body from scratching.

It took me a while to work out why it upset me and it actually wasn't the ownership of the word belonging to SEN struggles, it was actually jealousy.

I was jealous friends could conjur the image of dealing with something major using MY word for MY child, when they didn't deal with anything more than a sleepy toddler and I'm getting head butted because my dc has had some minor part of his routine changed.
I felt jealous I didn't have a typical behaviour to deal with and whilst people nodded and gave me sympathy, it wasn't any more than what my friends got from their kids, because why would they know differently? They're not seeing our lives here, its not their fault.
I still feel a bit jealous at times, that they can do such ordinary things like going the shop without a potential catastrophe, but it's not their fault.

And when my wee fella isn't bringing the world to its knees with his dysregulation, he's bloody great 😂

This is very interesting, and I would agree regarding my own experience of meltdowns (especially being unable to stop them despite knowing about the negative consequences that will come). For some reason I thought that NT people could also have this experience, just perhaps more rarely (say once or twice during adulthood) and in extremis rather than because of some of the relatively mild provoking factors that have caused me to melt down.

All children have big emotions that they can’t handle sometimes. Funny that you’re sitting on your high horse but then call NT kids “normal”.

@Lwrenn *I whole heartedly agree.
My ND child has a meltdown.
My NT child has a tantrum.

They're entirely different beasts, NT child has a tantrum because they're pissed off,*

But a NT toddler does not only have a tantrum because they are pissed off. Often their emotional outbursts are due to tiredness, a sense of overwhelm, feeling outside of their comfort zone, not being listened to.

The idea that a toddler only ever has a negative reaction because they are pisses off is ridiculous.

I think this is a good point. Maybe a compromise would be using the phrase autistic meltdown when that's what we mean, and continue to use meltdown as meaning a serious tantrum without the connotations of autistic meltdown.

People expect toddlers to be able to rationalise and cope with emotions, situations and whatever else as adults do for some reason. To a toddler not getting the crisps as in the example above isn't a big deal to us- it's just a packet of crisps, to them it's a huge huge deal and they learn, but don't instinctively know why they can't have them. It must be frustrating to be fair, if I want food I just get some, not having that control and/or not being able to communicate it rationally must be overwhelming and frustrating.

I like using the word meltdown. It's dramatic. Like me, and like my kids....when they're having a meltdown 😜

Honestly I think that outside of MN or families with ND children, most people just use tantrum and meltdown pretty interchangeably to mean a child that has had enough and is very upset or angry about something. It was certainly used plenty in my antenatal group about very upset babies or toddlers who had lost their shit, with no judgement on whether it was 'bad behaviour' or just overstimulation, just a word to describe a small child furious or very upset for a period of time.

I only really learned about meltdown being used in autism circles on here, but I think like many words it's contextual anyway. I don't think you're going to reclaim a normal word from standard usage.

Or people can say what they like. If anyone is ever in a situation whereby detail is required ie in a medical setting or for support them 'meltdown' on its own is useless anyway. If it's just annoyance between people having small talk then someone saying a different word won't make your life easier.