To think partner's overtime is excessive

[overtimestress]

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

He probably doesn't want to do any parenting.

Could you survive on his pay if he didn’t do any overtime?

His week has looked like this:

Tues - worked 8.30am-9pm
Wed - not at work but I was so didn't see him, then he was out on the evening at a social event so i didn't see him that day and neither did DD
Thurs - worked 6.30am-12.30pm, was home during the afternoon for few hours (I was at work), then he left again at 5pm for a night shift
Fri - home in the morning for a few hours sleep before a 12.30-9pm shift
Sat - at work 6.30am - 12.30pm, home a few hours in the afternoon, back at work for night shift by 5pm
Sun (today) - currently sleeping after night shift and will be back at work 12.30pm-9pm

He'd need to do some, but we could manage on half the hours he's doing.

Sorry, I see you addressed that in your OP 😂 so you need to get to the bottom of why he’s doing the overtime!

DD hasn't seen him really all week. I still haven't really seen him properly to have a conversation with him about something the nursery staff handed over to me on Friday afternoon at pick up. It's just days and days of no communication or quality time as a family. I'm so fed up, I feel like I might as well be single. At least then I'd get a proper break when she went to him.

Currently getting me and DD ready for yet another day out solo 😔 what is the point

Legally his employer is at fault for allowing him to breach the working time directive. Especially with the lack of down time between shifts.

Think a frank and open discussion is needed. Des he spend any time with DC.

He doesn’t want to be home, you need to find out why

Saw it in male dominated industry,slow down working to create overtime and when they thought everyone else left for the day, workshops empty and sitting in office on phones, yapping.
This was to avoid going home to help.

@CombatBarbie
Interesting you say that because one of my friends actually said to me surely that cant be legal? I hadn't realised there was a legal limit in terms of working hours. Like he will do a night shift as overtime then he's back at work the next day for 12.30-9pm. Surely this is not OK?? He's opting into the overtime shifts though, they aren't mandating that he must do those. He only has to do his contracted ones. I honestly think they don't care so long as they are adequately staffed. 😢

I'd be more worried about his health and if he's getting enough rest. When does he sleep?

Morning shifts and night nights with very little rest sounds horrendous. Does his employer not follow the Working Time Directive or has he opted out? Is he driving? I hope he's not operating any machinery.

Time for a talk

since you have a child who needs looking after, his working hours (and yours) need to be joint decisions.

He's the one they call all the time if they need cover as they know he always wants the overtime. He becomes so tunnel visioned and obsessed with his take home pay, it's all he sees above all else. He doesn't see his partner miserable and exhausted doing everything else in his absence. Or his young daughter missing him 😔

@BlueMum16 he's not operating machinery but he's working in a high risk environment

Sounds about right. They talk about wanting kids, and then realise it's too much work and disappear. They also don't like not being a priority anymore, so they sulk.

Did he do all this overtime before the baby?

It's strange though because on his days off (albeit they are rare), he is very much wanting to do things together as a family, days out etc. He opts into it all with bells on when he's not at work. So I'm not sure if he is avoiding home life, I think it's more an obsession with money.

He takes great pride in telling me how much he'll be taking home next month with his overtime, like I see a buzz in his face that isn't there for anything else. I honestly think he is just money orientated above all else, he sees his take home pay as more important than my health and well-being when I'm drowning in everything else between my own work, childcare and looking after the home.

Not to this extent, no.

Sounds like he has become obsessed with being a "financial provider" now he is a father, and has lost sight of the other things needed of a good father and partner - time, involvement, sharing domestic tasks etc..

It’s not illegal to work more than 48 hours per week if you opt out of it by signing a written agreement. It is inadvisable to work so much though and his employer is uncaring and should be encouraging him to not work so much.

Well you need to have a make or break conversation don’t you? Tell him how unhappy you are and that if he doesn’t cut back you will leave.

This or he's lying and has been down the pub

The op makes this clear