To think partner's overtime is excessive

[overtimestress]

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

You need to sit and talk about this with him.

He may think he's doing all this for you and the kids to provide things.

If you want things equal go back to work full time. He can then work his contracted hours and you will both be working equally at work and as parents.
Tell him you want balance, him at home, him as a partner, him as a dad - not disappearing at work all the time

How long has this been going on?

If he's not careful he'll end up in a higher tax bracket and end up paying loads of it in tax anyway.

Absolutely. And it's the sort of job where you need to be alert and on the ball otherwise you're at risk and so are others. It's really not sustainable or safe what he's doing - for me, him or anyone else really.

Are your finances shared?

Who owns your home?

What would he say if you told him you needed to use family money to outsource e.g. cleaning?

It sounds very much like he doesn’t see you as a team- he’s securing his own financial future while (as a PP pointed out) you are doing his share of childcare and household labour unpaid, and he doesn’t seem bothered about a future without you and DC in it.

Why are you waking him?

@MostlyHappyMummy because he's due at work in 30 minutes?

Why is that your responsibility?

It's not but I'm not going to sit by and do nothing while he makes himself late for work, today isn't even overtime it's his normal shift

70 hours a week is insane. It’s also dangerous in roles such as the police, nhs etc and also for prison workers. How is he not terrified he’ll make a mistake because he’s exhausted. I don’t think it’s sustainable for any period of time and I’m shocked his employer is allowing him to work the shift pattern you have described, even with opt out. He’ll burn out eventually.

@Spacecowboys he looks horrendous honestly. Nothing I say seems to be registering though. I'm at a loss now.

I think you aren't helping the situation by babying him but understand that it's your choice to do this so I apologise if I've offended you by mentioning this

He's just got up to get ready and DD is just climbing all over him desperately trying to get any interaction from her daddy. It's breaking my heart, he's about to leave yet again and she's too young to understand why he's never here.😢

YANBU the overtime is over excessive.

Does he know how you are feeling? How long has the 70 hour weeks been going on for?

I get that he can get excited about the take home pay, but at the end of the day - it’s just money. (If you’re managing financially, obviously)
Money on its own is no use unless you are using the time at home to enjoy home. Surely the money is to make home life nice? I’m using rudimentary terms, but i don’t understand people that get obsessed with taking home more and more money each month, but they are never home and family are miserable.

is there a possibility of hidden debt? Gambling?

Could he get al or even signed off to break the cycle of always being at work and break the fixation with the end monthly wage.
I do understand being signed off is not an easy option in the profession your Dh is in.

Where does the money go?

Can you buy in help? Extra day at nursery? Cleaner? You seriously need to benefit from this extra work!

Does he use machinery or drive to work? If so, that amount of hours and his work pattern is unsafe. I had a colleague die due to fatigue - he fell asleep in his car, my friends hubby died aged 27 when he fell asleep in his car and he also killed their 5yo son.

Money isn't worth it. Work def isn't worth it.

Look at you work pattern and tell him when you want to see him and spend time together at home. Ask him to work with you on that.

Try it out, adjust as needed.

If he has no interest in working with you, he cba parenting, house stuff and spending time with you.

You need to decide of you can continue in a relationship where your partner is clearing showing you how much you and your DC means to them.

He apologised to me before he left today, said he would cut back on the overtime. Time will tell if he follows through on it. I put it to him that he appears to be avoiding family life, he said absolutely not.

I’ve read all your posts OP and it does sound like he would feel under pressure to earn and make sure you’re provided for. For example, he said he’s working overtime to pay for holidays you also enjoy and instead of saying, ‘we won’t have a holiday for a year as I’d rather have you here,’ you say ‘yes, but you can work a bit less overtime and we still get our holiday.’ If you’re choosing to only work 4 days, maybe you can’t afford holidays right now and you need to lower expectations so your other half isn’t shouldering that responsibility.

Also, you haven’t explained the need for having to work any overtime. People shouldn’t have to rely on the overtime. If you could earn another £350 p/m from upping you hours to full time and, you’d be equal with your husband and surely if you cut the non-essentials (like holidays) you can manage on that. Once your child is in school, you get the luxuries back without either having to do overtime. I think he maybe feels you both want luxuries and frankly, with a young child and you only working 4 days, that’s only being achieved by him having to do the overtime.

@Greytulips it goes on things like family days out, towards holiday savings etc. We probably should look at using some of it for a cleaner to take the pressure off me. I do tend to do a lot of the cleaning on my day off during the week with DD but it would be nicer for DD if that time could be protected for a day out or even just to go to the park etc, so she's not stuck in the house with her irritable exhausted mummy running around chasing my tail and trying to also play with her. 😔

I’ve been on mn to long. As soon as I saw the title, I thought affair.

@Namechanged4obviousreasons
He's on board with me working 4 days since my return from maternity leave - neither of us wanted DD in full time nursery. The reality is, we absolutely could afford to save for the holidays and the extras if he halved his overtime - it would obviously just take a bit longer but we are both ok with that. The only person applying pressure to him to work to this extent is him.

Every single job I’ve ever worked in my industry required the signing of a waiver to this right. It’s totally standard in some industries to be expected to work all hours.

@overtimestress But these extras are only happening through you working 4 days and him having to work overtime (albeit less than now). If he’s feeling pressure to be the breadwinner and thinks you need and expect the extras, this will only add to it. Couldn’t you say that given you want to work 4 days, you’re happy to forgo whatever it creating a need for overtime working, leaving him to just work standard hours and break the cycle?

I just think it’s giving mixed messages that you want to work less than 4 days but expect holidays and luxuries that force him to do the overtime. When he reminds you of this, you basically tell him that he can still indulge you but do the hours you’d prefer. No one should need to work overtime and it sounds like living within your means would give you both that.

@Namechanged4obviousreasons
We BOTH want the extras and luxuries. But the difference between us is - I'm happy to wait and have those things more gradually as and when we can afford to, thus enabling us to strike a balance as a family of overtime and time when he's home. He wants to take it to an extreme so we can these things now, instead of waiting, and in the meantime cripple the both of us.

We have had conversations in the past to the effect of, what's the minimum amount of overtime we need to do all the things we both want to, but have that balance of family time too. We worked out that figure, that sweet spot if you like. Let's say for arguments sake it was 70 hours of overtime a month, so approx 18 hrs a week extra. Instead he decides (unilaterally) to do 30 plus extra hours a week on top of his usual shifts, which well exceeds that figure we both agreed upon. That's my point, it doesn't need to exceed that. He's choosing that, and putting me under extra stress at home in the process.