To think partner's overtime is excessive

[overtimestress]

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

@simpledeer
I've tried. It didn't go very well. He was tired and snappy from all the overtime, as was I from juggling everything else. He just kept saying "you want nice things like holidays". I said it would be preferable if we could manage those things without killing us both in the process. He takes it to an extreme - he can't see a middle ground. He's got into his head it's either no overtime and we are skint or he does an excessive amount of hours per week and is never home. He can't see my point about the middle ground and I'm starting to think he never will. I did say I was at breaking point and considering leaving. He just shrugged and said "if that's what you want"

If it's relevant (and I am certain it is), he had financial difficulties in his previous marriage. His wife ran up a lot of debt that he had no knowledge of but was signed jointly in his name (fraud essentially), and she didn't work so he had to work hard to clear those debts. I do think he's still in an anxious mindset about money even though he's in a totally different relationship and situation now.

He is treating you very badly, massively taking you for granted, not listening to you or caring about what you want/need. Yet infuriatingly he probably expects you to be grateful to him!

You didn't sign up for this, it's not fair for him to choose this unilaterally.

You are BOTH working overtime.

He is getting paid for his, plus getting kudos for being the provider.

You are working 30 hours a week, plus doing all of the "unseen" and certainly unpraised labour of raising a child, doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

He should be doing half the childcare plus half the housework, and instead he's forcing you to do his share, whilst he does paid work.

This leaves you in a financially less secure position, especially as you're unmarried, as his igher income, is presumably paying more into his pension, savings etc, but he's only able to do this because YOU ARE DOING HIS SHARE OF LABOUR FOR FREE.

You need to have a sit down conversation with him about roles and responsibilities and say you are fed up of covering his workload because he is choosing to be elsewhere.

The only person he's benefiting is himself, and as you say, you'd be better off as a single person without him, but he'd be much worse off without you.

Well then he’s made his choice.

What will you do?

He'd obviously rather be at work than be at home.

It's up to you whether you tolerate it or not.

The problem is not him being anxious about it, it's him thinking it's entirely HIS choice and not your (plural) choice. It's not rocket science to check with your wife how she'd feel about doing yet another evening solo parenting.

He will have signed out. Totally legal if he has.

The Working Time Directive isn't worth the paper its written on. Employers can just get someone to sign saying they opt out of it and then they are free to do what they want. Sounds like OP's partner would have signed willingly

You can opt out of the working time directive if you want - you just need to sign a bit of paper to say you agree to it.

I wouldn't bet on him taking her, he ll be at work or sleeping after a night shift

Thank you @buttonsB4, you have so clearly articulated exactly why I feel so run down and frustrated and annoyed! I am doing so much unseen and unrewarded labour in the background to enable him to do these crazy hours. Then he proudly announces his take home pay like I should worship at his feet? Whilst I'm frazzled and burnt out, literally a shell of myself, and who's showing gratitude to me for that? No one. I'm so fed up 😢

Have you actually seen this extra money OP I say this and I don't mean to be cynical but the hours you are saying are illegal and a friend went through similar and it turned out he was actually having an affair and not at work.

@Magdaman
Exactly - he never checks. This was the basis of my frustration with him, he just assumes I'll be there waiting in the wings to pick up yet another evening / night / early morning solo parenting. I feel totally taken for granted. I'm also becoming less patient and snappy with my daughter because I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed with it all, and I hate being like that. It makes me feel like an awful mum 😔

Ideally I don't think anyone should 'need' to do any overtime. He is working excessive hours, but you say you do actually need extra income, so maybe he's thinking in for a penny, in for a pound. I highly doubt he's trying to avoid family responsibilities, but unfortunately that is a side effect of all the extra hours he's doing. As an aside, don't begrudge him sleeping after a night shift, he has to do that.
Could you up your hours to full time instead, while he cuts out overtime altogether? This might make for a better work/life balance for you all.

The hours aren't illegal if he's opted out of the working time directive (which almost anyone can).

@overtimestress could you increase your hours so you're not so dependent on his overtime?

Maybe there would be a bit less pressure on him if you both worked full-time.

If I worked full time we'd need to pay for childcare on my day off. The whole point was that we had a day where we didn't need to pay for nursery. When my daughter starts school next September I will be increasing back to full time.

Just tell him straight. Either he drops overtime to X hours a week or you’ll be looking to split up. I’m sure that will start a dialogue with him. Emphasise that you’re not interested in being rich, that you want your child to recognise her father and you’re completely burnt out and cannot manage everything anymore.

We’re both out of the WTD and regularly work 70-90 hours a week, each. I’m on mat leave at the moment, but we will both still do overtime, just less because of childcare.

Can you sit and get him to plan a rota so you share childcare? It’s what we have to do. We are very focused on take home pay, but also having time together and time with our daughter individually.

We were in a position a few years ago where we NEEDED some OT hours to get by. I was the one doing OT and it does grip hold of you. It's a hard mindset to explain if you've never done it or if you've only ever done OT for 'extra' money, not essential money.

In the back of your mind you know that OT is just that - and not contracted, not guaranteed. You develop a constant low level anxiety that next month may be the month when the company sorts their shit out and doesn't offer any hours - and you know that if that happens you and your family are royally fucked. So your mind tells you you MUST make the most of it right now, do it, do it all and then if it's cancelled at least you have enough money for a couple of months. Again, constantly on edge for when OT is announced and possibly in competition with your colleagues for who gets it.

I agree with a pp op - you need to increase your hours. You need both of your normal working hours to bring in enough money to manage every month - so that you can BOTH appropriately re-frame OT as being for extras and treats, not the mortgage and food. And obviously the split of work at home would need reviewing and changing.

Legally any employee can opt out of working time regulations.

Are you sure he's actually at work?

Is there a way to arrange your shifts around each other so that you both work full-time but on different days? If he works weekends now, you could even arrange it so he works weekends and has his days off in the week, and you do weekdays and have weekends off.

I know you still wouldn't get family time, but it could decrease the pressure on him. Regularly working a 70 hour week is awful for both of you (IMO) not sustainable long term. Someone will burn out before long.

If I increased to full time we'd have an extra £550 a month. His overtime on an average month ad it stands brings in an extra £1000-1200 per month. So he's still bringing him double what it would be if we sacked off his overtime in favour of me increasing to FT. The other way of solving this is, he just halves his overtime hours to bring in roughly what my FT wage would? Takes the pressure off us both that way. We are both in agreement with me working 4 days a week until our daughter starts school - neither of us wanted her to be in nursery full time unless it was absolutely necessary, and financially it isn't.