To think partner's overtime is excessive

[overtimestress]

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

Any conversations with him just fall on deaf ears, all he can see is the figures. "Well we'll have £500 extra if I do these two shifts as well", is the sort of response I get. Despite me protesting that we don't need that extra £500 and we'd rather have him home instead.

I still think one of the problems is that you rely on him doing at least some overtime to pay for the basics every month. If you could pay for everything from your normal hours, the OT wouldn't seem so important.

Is it possible there’s pressure at work to agree to all of this overtime?

I know my BIL has a similar job and overtime is basically seen as compulsory, if you’re asked you’re expected to do it, so maybe that?

Also the Working Time Directive is a bit of a red herring as lots of places now have you opt out of it as part of your employment, I did with my job.

depends on what sector he’s working in, there are regulations in some industries to the “time directive” but you can opt out of that. If the sector is driving hgvs - you can’t get around those rules, they’re very strict, you can only do so many hours and there’s rules around how many days in one go etc. apart from the driving industry I don’t think there’s any law that says you absolutely cannot work X amount of hours.

@offyoujollywelltrot ·

He probably doesn't want to do any parenting.

Exactly! Nail on the head!

You can sign a disclaimer

I think it goes back to the money issues from his previous marriage coupled with having a young child now and a fear of being in a situation where he may end up in debt/unable to provide. Would he be prepared to have a conversation with you about that? If you are able to reassure him you aren't going to do what his ex did and that for you time together as a family is more important than extra money perhaps he will feel better about cutting back his hours?

Do your think your DH is suffering from Workaholism?
Being addicted to work is a real psychological condition some people have.

I still think one of the problems is that you rely on him doing at least some overtime to pay for the basics every month. If you could pay for everything from your normal hours, the OT wouldn't seem so important

This. It's all part of what's driving his mindset.

It's also not as simple as saying well, his industry is understaffed, OT will always be available as you suggested in a previous post op. If he falls and breaks his leg in work and needs 6 weeks off - presumably he'd get full pay if he's police/prison officer. But that's all OT gone, instantly.

He's probably acutely aware of this and it's a precarious position to be in. The whole family relying on his OT to keep you all afloat is likely to be a heavy burden.

I don't think things will improve until you're in a position to both work FT and cover everything you need with just normal hours.

If he is a police officer then he legally has to have 11 hours between shifts, they used to allowed double shifts etc, but not anymore.

Have you seen his wage slip?

I guess the line of the conversation to be quite blunt and needs to go “if you don’t cut down now, you will get ill, and breakdown, ( most likely mental breakdown, but extreme fatigue and stress can also manifest in any numbers of physical illness’) and be unable to work and then the overtime pay will be zero and we can’t manage with zero, and certainly not with statutory sick pay if the illness is prolonged” No one looks back wishing they spent even more time at work , but they certainly wish they had spent more family time……. Sorry you are having such an awful time with this - could a work colleague / friend / family member help you with this line of conversation to give an external perspective ?

Sounds like he’s focused on being the best financial provider he can be. Maybe just mention that his presence at home is as important as the money.

If you can build up a bit of slush fund in the housekeeping account, that might help him relax too.