To think partner's overtime is excessive

[overtimestress]

This week by the end of today, he will have worked 70 hours across 5 days (Tues-Sun). Half of those are overtime. I haven't seen him at all really all week. He's done night shifts, early mornings, late evenings... you name it. I'm parenting our toddler by myself and keeping on top of the housework, as well as working 30 hours a week in a mentally and emotionally draining job. AIBU that his is excessive? He doesn't seem to get the message. I feel like I'm drowning and just need him home more often. We don't need all of the extra money - we could get by on half of what he's doing and be comfortable. He just gets obsessed with the figures in his take home pay and it's literally destroying the family and our relationship.

Other than his word I suppose not. I mean, he leaves in his work uniform? But good point, I don't ever know for sure no.

neither of us wanted her to be in nursery full time unless it was absolutely necessary, and financially it isn't.

I would say it is financially necessary if the alternative is him working 70 hours a week and you essentially being a solo parent

actually, if I worked FT now after we deducted the extra day at nursery for DD, we'd take home closer to £350 extra, not £550 (a full day at nursery is approx £50 after discount).

It's not though, we can manage easily on half what he's doing now, as I've repeatedly stated. HE is the one choosing to take it to the extreme of 70 hours per week.

But didn't you say in your OP that he needs to do some overtime to pay the bills? Or have I got that wrong?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if his job involves weekends (you say he's working today) then can you not arrange it so that you both work full-time but so that your shifts only overlap three days a week?

So you work (say) Monday to Friday and he works (say) Wednesday to Sunday?

@sunsetsandboardwalks
Yes he does need to do some - around half what he's currently doing. Which is fine and very manageable for us all as a family. I was always on board with that amount. It's the extremes he goes to, ie aiming for 70 hrs a week, that I object to. There is a comfortable middle ground figure that enables us to be comfortably off whilst neither of us are burnt out or stressed. That's what I am on board with, but he is not listening and continues to take it an extreme.

Does he realise that if you left, he wouldn't be able to do all that overtime because he'd be having to parent on his own (up to 50% of the time depending on what you agreed).

@sunsetsandboardwalks
He can't choose the days he works, other than his overtime shifts. The rest are contracted hours, and these fall on all days of the week (with days off in between which he typically fills with overtime), and every other weekend, and occasionally nights. He can't change those.

I think the issue with relying on overtime to pay the bills is that it's never guaranteed, so you "make hay while the sun shines" as it were and take as much OT as you can while it's available.

What will you do if his workplace has to stop offering it for some reason?

Has he asked to change days or work set hours?

@sunsetsandboardwalks
Without revealing his employer, I'd say it's highly unlikely there will ever be a shortage of overtime. It's a chronically short staffed industry, always has been and is getting worse.

I did point this out to him. He sort of shrugged. Very little response tbh.

Fair enough, I guess I can just see how it could be quite stressful to be the breadwinner who is also relying on OT just to cover the necessities.

Not that it's easy for you either, but just trying to see it from his viewpoint too.

OK so it sounds like he doesn't care, so your choices are deal with it (which you shouldn't have to do) or actually leave/end the relationship.

Being a single parent isn't necessarily easy, but I guarantee it'll be easier on you than your current situation is! I co-parent with my daughter's dad, in between working and parenting I also get time to myself, so can have plenty of stress-free quality time with her.

This sounds like a line of work I know well. Often exceed 70 hour weeks but over six days, you are supposed to have 11 hours off between shifts but if you feel ok then you’re “allowed” to come in earlier. Very high pressure, very short staffing and often there is nobody else to ask so you either choose to go in or leave your colleagues short. It’s hard work with teens so must be a nightmare with very young children when you’re leaving someone else to pick up the pieces.

Lots of employers make opting out of the working time directive a condition of employment now, so it's a shit law

I've just had to wake him up as he's sleeping from a 13 hour night shift last night (which was overtime), as he's due back in work at 12.30 and won't finish til 9pm this evening. He looks exhausted, disoriented and unwell quite frankly. What will it take to get the message through?

I don't think he will get the message while you carry on supporting it, to be honest. Maybe tell him you have plans on his day off and he'll need to arrange childcare if he wants to work? Make it an inconvenience rather than something he has support for?

I don't think you are in agreement tbh. It isn't working for either of you.
You can't have your cake and eat it, that applies to both of you. You both want/need/like the extra money, but you both want/need/like you to work PT.
You need to discuss this and reassess your finances.
I think it's important to remember that you cannot buy time. It's important for him to have more time with his family, particularly his young child. So what could you cut to afford it? Or how could you both bring in extra income?

I say this as the sole earner in our household. DH isn't working for health reasons. I can earn a huge amount for working overtime, which is almost always available. It's tempting to work a lot, but I only do it occasionally as I'd rather be at home with my family. Besides, DH needs the support.
We cut our cloth accordingly. I suggest you do the same.

Op you don't have to reveal obviously
But I'm guessing prison or police officer.

I know of someone locally, young man, own business allied to agriculture. He thought he had the world at his feet. He worked all the hours, and also partied, hard. Drank energy drinks alll day long to keep him going, and took drugs at parties after work. His business was, indeed, successful, and he was a well known local character who many seemed to admire for his laddish, crazy life. In spring this year, he suffered a massive heart attack and died on the job. He left a partner and two small children. It’s just not worth it.

Yes one of these

My husband is like this OP. But he would work 7 days a week and sometimes until 1am. He was obsessed with figures too.

Now he’s got a new hobby which has replaced his need to work to get out of the house. Still don’t see him and when he does come home, it’s weird having him here as we’re so used to being on our own. He’s actually just phoned me to say he’s coming home early, and I’ve told him to go out and see his family as it’s just so weird when he’s here, I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s sad, but for various reasons I can’t do anything about it right now.

My husband has always been like it, he seems to like to be always doing something.

No idea what the answer is. You can’t force someone to want to spend time with you (what’s the point?), and it’s not always easy to leave at all. In my case, it’s impossible. I have financial obligations with mine that stretch far beyond the norm and I am well and truly struck.

And the added stress that those jobs have I'd be worried for his health as I'm sure that's also crossed your mind.