AIBU to be really worried about DF

[peachpearplum97]

Have name changed as have posted about this friend before and with other posts could be outing.

Friend of 20+ years is in a very abusive relationship with her husband. She has 2 very young DS. Friends DH is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but has never been physical.

I am aware than her DH reads all of her messages on her phone and tracks her movements.

She has confided in me numerous times about leaving but is very concerned (rightly so) about the financial implications as he has really stitched her up. I have encouraged her to leave and sign posted resources that may help.

I usually see this friend a couple of times a week and had plans with her last week to go and do an activity with both of our DS's.

She cancelled the day before saying youngest DS(3) was unwell, fair enough, told her hope he was feeling better soon and let me know if anything I can do to help. I have since found out she told someone we both know, but who she would not know I would talk to, that she has been in a car crash and has facial swelling that happened a few of days ago

After hearing this I panicked and text her not mentioning the car crash as I didn't want to put her on the spot. She said she was fine but was now also ill and had been in bed for 2 days.

I had a bag of her DS's so popped round with it to check in on her, she told me she couldn't come to the door as she was vomittimg snd didn't want me to catch anything.

I have not seen her for over 6 days and no one I know has seen her.

Am I right to be concerned that things have escalated and she has been physically abused by DH? Due to the fact she has told two different stories and won't let me see her. She has no family close by, her DP's have died and she is an only child. She does not have a big support network of friends either although she is very well liked.

I have text her again and not had a response in over 13 hours.

I don't really know what to do now, I can't text her about it as her DH monitors her phone and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Am I being a paranoid stalker or does this sound like she is in a dangerous situation and has likely been attacked? What do I do?

YABU - you sound like a stalker
YANBU - this sounds very worrying

8f this was my friend, I would ring the police

Call the police for a safe and well check?
Doesn't sound like an over reaction to me. I'd be worried too!

My concern is her DH will know it's me and that will be me cut off from her and never seeing her or supporting her again.

If he hasn't actually assaulted her, he has cut her off from everyone and I think he sees me as no threat with two young boys, I don't go out etc so is happy for us to meet up with the boys. But he will know it is me if the police turn up at the door as she doesn't see anyone else and that will be the end of me seeing her.

I think all your concerns are totally valid - both about what’s happening and what could happen if you have someone check on her :( Be there for her as much as possible - does she have any neighbours you know?

@TealPoet a friend lives on the same road as her but it is quite a large road and they are at opposite ends.

Id call the police to go and do a welfare check

Has she ever lent you a book/cd that you could use the returning of as an excuse to pop over?

@fudgecat this is what I did yesterday with her sons bag and she wouldn't come to the door. Her DH will be at home with her all weekend too so likely he will answer.

Please phone the police.
Anything could've happened to your friend.

@TortillasAndSalsa even knowing that she will probably won't admit to anything if anything has happened, her DH is there and will know it was me and that will likely mean I won't be able to see her again? I am genuinely torn with what to do? I don't think she would say anything to the police.

I have just text her again asking her to chat in private about something and she has replied advising she is with her DH so won't be private so I know she is alive at least.

Would it be better to just directly ask her what has happened knowing he will see the text rather than just phoning for a welfare check?

Should I just text he directly to say I heard about the car crash and am worried she didn't mention it to me so she knows I am aware? Knowing he will see this?

I think it could potentially lead to more trouble for her if the police are involved and it will definitely be me out of her life which if it's the best thing for her I am find with but just worried it will leave her more isolated.

Sorry I am panicking a bit now most pp have agreed and said to call police. I was hoping I was being crazy.

I wouldn't phone police. Text her about general crap to "keep her spirits up while she has a bug". Make sure she is replying. Is it her language?

Broach it in person away from his ears.

If you're happy it's her replying, I'd say something that implies it's something personal about yourself youbwanted to talk about and you'll wait til you catch up next. Nothing to worry about but could really use a listening ear,let me know when you're feeling better etc

You aren’t being crazy at all and are very right to be concerned about her. Have you thought about contacting Refuge? They have a free 24 hour helpline and may have some other suggestions of ways you can help her or things you can ask.

God, what an awful situation. Your poor friend. You’re doing brilliantly though OP, definitely would warrant a call to police but if you’re her only lifeline and the obvious person who could have called, needs a different approach.

If yiu need to be certain you’re texting her, is she the sort of friend you could say something like “oh ffs ive got bloody awful thrush / cystitis / period bullshit, have you got any canesten / cranberry juice / feminax, can I come round and grab it please?” and see what happens?

@GreatMistakes yes have just spoken to my DH and both agree this is the best thing to do at the moment and sending the police round would cause chaos for her and the boys.

Wait till you know he won't be home then knock on her door to return her son's bag as a excuse, txt her before going round so she will be expecting you. Maybe tell her something is happening to you and you're upset and could do with a visit from her etc....or maybe say your son wants to talk to her son can you call..what ever you do plz don't call the police yet, or ask directly via texts or calls as he will be seeing/hearing it. Hope she's ok 🙏 you're a good friend ❤️

@ReadingInTheRain583 that's exactly what I said I said was about something embarrassing that we had spoken about before, she said she could chat but her DH and DS were in the room which to me is her telling me she can't talk. DH has also said he will definitely be checking all of her msgs to make sure she isn't telling anyone about what's happened as he is quite a well known member of the community and comes across as a genuinely nice, do anything for anyone type of man.

Sorry I meant my DH said that he would be checking her messages.

@Safxxx yes I think I might drive round in the morning and see if his car is there. I could definitely say that too her but as I've said about the embarrassing problem I wanted to discuss with her might be a bit overkill? Thanks so much for all of your replies.

@Woahtherehoney no I haven't, thank you for this I will look into this now.