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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be really worried about DF

119 replies

peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 20:15

Have name changed as have posted about this friend before and with other posts could be outing.

Friend of 20+ years is in a very abusive relationship with her husband. She has 2 very young DS. Friends DH is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but has never been physical.

I am aware than her DH reads all of her messages on her phone and tracks her movements.

She has confided in me numerous times about leaving but is very concerned (rightly so) about the financial implications as he has really stitched her up. I have encouraged her to leave and sign posted resources that may help.

I usually see this friend a couple of times a week and had plans with her last week to go and do an activity with both of our DS's.

She cancelled the day before saying youngest DS(3) was unwell, fair enough, told her hope he was feeling better soon and let me know if anything I can do to help. I have since found out she told someone we both know, but who she would not know I would talk to, that she has been in a car crash and has facial swelling that happened a few of days ago

After hearing this I panicked and text her not mentioning the car crash as I didn't want to put her on the spot. She said she was fine but was now also ill and had been in bed for 2 days.

I had a bag of her DS's so popped round with it to check in on her, she told me she couldn't come to the door as she was vomittimg snd didn't want me to catch anything.

I have not seen her for over 6 days and no one I know has seen her.

Am I right to be concerned that things have escalated and she has been physically abused by DH? Due to the fact she has told two different stories and won't let me see her. She has no family close by, her DP's have died and she is an only child. She does not have a big support network of friends either although she is very well liked.

I have text her again and not had a response in over 13 hours.

I don't really know what to do now, I can't text her about it as her DH monitors her phone and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Am I being a paranoid stalker or does this sound like she is in a dangerous situation and has likely been attacked? What do I do?

YABU - you sound like a stalker
YANBU - this sounds very worrying

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:13

@dinmin I don't think she's actually going out, I'm just going to go round. Take a care package. I will try and phone first.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 08/09/2024 23:15

You can't fix this, there are reasonable grounds for concern and you can't protect her. Get the police involved. Ask to speak to the domestic abuse team, explain your concerns and ask them to do a welfare check.

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 23:16

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:05

Update.

She's just phoned text me saying sorry she hadn't replied all day she had no signal. Said she won't be dropping DS off in the morning as DH wants to do it. Said she is feeling better so is going to be out all day tomorrow as going to go shopping and to visit her aunt.

We had plans tomorrow has apologised for cancelling on me etc but needs to do shopping as she's not had chance to do it as was so ill last week.

So basically I don't want to see you tomorrow, don't come round.

Text message was quite lengthy and light hearted made some jokes etc, did sound like her.

Any advice?

Ask her about something she would know but he wouldn't.

Or maybe say "remember that time we xyz" and it be not what actually happened.

If he is texting for her, she could tell you this by giving a wrong answer to the first option... and also you will know if he goes along with the second option.

I think her isolating herself away from you because you know her so well is the most likely option, but this may be a good way to ease your mind that you are in fact talking to her and not him.

If it turns out to (most likely) be her, then you need to respect what she says... if you get a sign it might be him, then that is a good reason to ramp things up.

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:17

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 20:30

If she is financially not free to leave then that is more motivation for her to lie for him to police.

I think calling the police for a welfare check would be a mistake and it would be more valuable to her to have your friendship available to her rather than you doing something and her husband forces her to cut you off (all this is irrelevant if you think he may kill her though),.

I have a fair bit of personal experience with this topic and I believe the most likely scenario is that she is isolating/withdrawing herself so she can avoid questions.

She is probably also worried that you will pressure her to leave when she isn't ready and she will disappoint you.

I know this is really, really hard... but I would back off a tiny bit with the texts as it will be suspicious.

What I would do however is send a gift basket/care package.

It is important for abusers to know that their victim has people paying attention, who care and will also go out of their way to do nice things. It is a sneaky way of telling him she has people that value her.

She won't leave until she is ready, but having you by her side will be something she will need when the time comes.

You sound like such a wonderful friend!

Gift basket?! Then he really will know that OP is onto him! What a truly horrendous idea

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 23:20

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:17

Gift basket?! Then he really will know that OP is onto him! What a truly horrendous idea

Show quote history

She has said she is sick... I send my friends "get well soon" pamper gifts all the time.

She told OP she is sick and another friend she was in a car crash.

A care package is really not an outrageous suggestion.

dinmin · 08/09/2024 23:20

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:13

@dinmin I don't think she's actually going out, I'm just going to go round. Take a care package. I will try and phone first.

Exactly, then you can call her bluff

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:20

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:52

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. I think on the back of @AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish I will back off this evening, I would usually see her tomorrow morning anyway, if I do see her - brilliant, if I don't I'm going to go round with a care package first thing.

Do NOT do this! I've been in this situation before and this is quite possibly the worst thing you could do!!!! It screams to him that you're onto him. Please please don't do the care package

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:22

@HauntedbyMagpies I think the gift basket is a good idea, I will just take some chocs, face masks pampering things. Would not be unusual we do buy little presents for each other and gives me a reason to go round.

OP posts:
HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:23

@AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish That won't be how he sees it though! He will see it as a glaring sign from OP that she's onto him.

Besides, she's just told OP that she's going out all day tomorrow!

OP you need to call the police now. You've no other option.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:23

@HauntedbyMagpies why do you think that makes it seem suspicious? We would usually do things like that for each other if one of us was having a bad time / was sick etc

OP posts:
AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 23:25

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:23

@AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish That won't be how he sees it though! He will see it as a glaring sign from OP that she's onto him.

Besides, she's just told OP that she's going out all day tomorrow!

OP you need to call the police now. You've no other option.

It sounds like we are both talking from personal experience, so I certainly won't say that you are in the wrong...

But I think this really does depend on the friendship in question and would absolutely not be seen as remotely suspicious in my friend group.

My suggestions are all advice based on my lived experience, as I'm sure yours are too.

And just to add, I'm sorry but calling the police when OP has no evidence her friend even has been assaulted is going to go badly regardless.

Either he hasn't (but he is still a controlling dick) and will end the friend seeing OP.

Or he has, and the friend will be put in the position of lying to police AND being alienated from her friend.

HauntedbyMagpies · 08/09/2024 23:27

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:23

@HauntedbyMagpies why do you think that makes it seem suspicious? We would usually do things like that for each other if one of us was having a bad time / was sick etc

Well aside from anything else, she's just told you that she's going to be out all day^^ tomorrow (I know, she obviously won’t be but that's what she said to you) so for you to ignore this and turn up anyway, with gifts is hugely suspicious. It will not just get his back up but also hers in a way, because she will know that you knew she was lying about going out, if that makes sense?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:28

@HauntedbyMagpies if she won't tell me what's happened she will not tell the police anything? Im guessing if she was assaulted a week ago injuries will be going down etc.

Why do you think this is the best option?

Really appreciate advice but finding very bard to navigate with pp's disagreeing about police and going round etc.

From her message which I do believe was her as it was very much in her style and lengthy I don't think she's in immediate danger. Police calling now doesn't seem like it will help in any way.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 08/09/2024 23:29

You havent spoken to her for a week, it could be him using her phone.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:34

@HauntedbyMagpies not to sound awful but I am not really bothered about getting her back up at this point, I am absolutely worried sick and if she is pissed of with me knowing about his previous abuse and the conflicting stories I am ok with that.

If he's there he likely won't let me see her if she is in a bad way so at this point I think it would be fair to contact the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:36

Sorry I mean if she is pissed off with me for assuming she is lying and going round anyway I am ok with that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2024 23:38

Can you offer for do nursery pick up for her as she's out so her DH can go to work?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:40

@AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish I think what you have suggested sounds like they are most aligned with our friendship and what I would usually do.

I know calling the police without talking to her first would be a bad idea. He will also assume she has told someone which will cause more grief for her.

Thanks you so much for your advice and I am so sorry you have been through something similar.

OP posts:
Karmaisac4t · 08/09/2024 23:40

You could call her tomorrow withholding your number, see if it’s her who answers or him. I don’t usually condone being sneaky but you need to establish if she’s with her phone.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:40

@RandomMess yes this could work too. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:41

@Karmaisac4t thank you this is a good idea too

OP posts:
chocolateanddietcoke · 08/09/2024 23:45

Hope your friend is ok

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:48

Also if he is going through all her messages, I'm assuming he will be at work all day, so that could be a way of him trying to make sure I don't pop round, it might not actually be her saying she doesn't want to see me. It is very hard to know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:49

@chocolateanddietcoke thank you

OP posts:
AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 23:57

Best of luck with everything lovely 💗

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