AIBU to be really worried about DF

[peachpearplum97]

Have name changed as have posted about this friend before and with other posts could be outing.

Friend of 20+ years is in a very abusive relationship with her husband. She has 2 very young DS. Friends DH is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but has never been physical.

I am aware than her DH reads all of her messages on her phone and tracks her movements.

She has confided in me numerous times about leaving but is very concerned (rightly so) about the financial implications as he has really stitched her up. I have encouraged her to leave and sign posted resources that may help.

I usually see this friend a couple of times a week and had plans with her last week to go and do an activity with both of our DS's.

She cancelled the day before saying youngest DS(3) was unwell, fair enough, told her hope he was feeling better soon and let me know if anything I can do to help. I have since found out she told someone we both know, but who she would not know I would talk to, that she has been in a car crash and has facial swelling that happened a few of days ago

After hearing this I panicked and text her not mentioning the car crash as I didn't want to put her on the spot. She said she was fine but was now also ill and had been in bed for 2 days.

I had a bag of her DS's so popped round with it to check in on her, she told me she couldn't come to the door as she was vomittimg snd didn't want me to catch anything.

I have not seen her for over 6 days and no one I know has seen her.

Am I right to be concerned that things have escalated and she has been physically abused by DH? Due to the fact she has told two different stories and won't let me see her. She has no family close by, her DP's have died and she is an only child. She does not have a big support network of friends either although she is very well liked.

I have text her again and not had a response in over 13 hours.

I don't really know what to do now, I can't text her about it as her DH monitors her phone and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Am I being a paranoid stalker or does this sound like she is in a dangerous situation and has likely been attacked? What do I do?

YABU - you sound like a stalker
YANBU - this sounds very worrying

Fair 👍🏻

Best of luck in the morning. Please do keep trying with Women's Aid. Provided she's 'ok' she's obviously still in need of support and I can attest that they are the best equipped. If only more women knew how amazing women's aid are and how their Refuges are SAFE (top notch security) and their locations kept hidden. They're just wonderful. They scoop you up in a taxi (if needed) that they pay for and they help you with everything. There's always staff in the building and you get your own little flat. There's even children's play workers and playrooms etc. Gardens. Computers. You name it. They're a safe haven and being in one, puts you at priority on the housing list (if required, obviously)

I hope one day soon you are able to tell her all of the above so that she at least knows they're there.

Anyone reading this in a situation like OP's friend, please don't be scared of going to a Refuge. They are quite literally life saving. Life transforming, even.
Oh and the rent you pay is peanuts. A nominal amount.

If he’s doing nursery drop off it would be an ideal time to drop a care package off quickly.

Hoping all was ok & you were able to make contact. You are the best kind of friend.

Any update?

Hope you and your DF are OK.

Thanks for checking in. I Managed to speak to DF this morning after I had seen her DH at nursery drop off. She picked up the phone.

I told her I was worried about her and wanted to see her, told her why. She apologised for making me so worried but said she HAD had a car crash but was embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know.

She got anxious about DH coming home and finding her on the phone to me and said she had to go (I phone her a lot so not unusual)

I told her I was here for her etc and wouldn't stop worrying until I'd seen her in person. She said she will see me on Thursday as we have a play group we both attend on that day.

I said can I pop round for a brew and she said she had to go out straight away.

I said I don't want to make without worse for her and here for her etc.

She said DH did not hit her.

Conversation has left me with little options really, I don't want to go round as she obviously really doesn't want that. I've not heard back from her for the rest of the day and don't want to text her as she was so worried about being caught on the phone to me.

You've had lots of good advice here but just wanted to say well done for being such a great friend. She will value having you there. Hope someone comes along soon with some further advice for next steps.

Wow that is so difficult. I have no idea of what to suggest, I just hope she manages to get away from him soon

I wouldn’t call the police atm.
I would make out the chat you need is something to do with you , make it something gynae that her h wouldn’t want to get involved in.
Then when you get her on her own you’ll have to ask her for the truth.

Sending police in now could put her at more risk. If she has been assaulted urge her to get help to protect her children. SS wouldn’t allow children to stay in the home of an abuser etc.. not to scare her but to help her see the reality if she has been assaulted.

OP although your desperation to help her shines through I think you have to leave her be now. She won't make any changes until she's ready, and sadly her husband has such a hold on her that she may never be ready.

She absolutely knows that you will be there for her if she needs you. That will give her comfort.

Thanks all, I just feel so sad, she is just a genuinely lovely and kind hearted person and a brilliant loving mum. I hate to think of what she is going through at the moment. But I don't think there's much more I can do now until she is ready. Thanks again.

The most important thing is that you're always there for her and she knows this, even if she pushes you away. He'll be wearing her down and making her think she's worthless and deserve it.

Don't make any decisions for her, like calling police, but let her know support if there is she ever feels like the time is right and she needs to make a move. She'll be making lots of choices right now, weighing up what's going to keep her and her children the safest.

You can call women's aid and ask them for advice on how to help her stay safe.

For the future perhaps offer practical help like storing copies of important documents, birth certs, passports etc, spare car keys and some belongings for her and the children.

Agree a code word for if she really needs help, something that to an outsider would look like a routine message.

Some of the major banks have 'leaving funds' for people fleeing abuse, you could help her access this and open and account her do doesn't know about, perhaps using your address.

You're a great friend op, stay by her side. She might never leave but just being there will make life more bearable.

You could reach out to the charities suggested for some advice, but I think as others have said, ultimately your friend has to be ready. Just be there to support her when she is ready and maybe get some advice in the mean time in case you can do anything to help or get any practical advice for when she is ready.

How’s your friend doing? Did you manage to catch up with her?

Sorry I haven’t updated on this for a while. DF has finally confided in me that husband is physically abusing her. She came to my house yesterday and had a couple of glasses of wine and I asked her about it again. She has told me that violence has been escalating. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation. Have told her she and the DC can stay with me etc.

he is financially abusive and has control over all her money. I would really like to help her by getting a plan together to leave him as she has said this is what she would like to do.

can anyone give me pointers on where to start with this? I am thinking I could help find out what benefits she would be entitled to etc.

Im sorry this isn’t a very coherent post, I just feel heartbroken for her and DC. They are both lovely children. None of them deserve this.

Look up Refuge and Womens aid online, and see about getting her some professional support. Financial abuse is a crime, and they will know how best to proceed while protecting her money. She might also be entitled to space in a shelter which might not seem ideal to you now, but comes with a support worker and help to move forwards.
The other point to consider is that if he has become violent, he probably wont think twice about being violent towards anyone supporting her.

Your a great friend op

Entitledto website has a calculator you can use to estimate benefit entitlements

I'd really encourage professional support from womens aid or similar or report to the police. If violence is escalated your friend and her children could be at serious risk and the right support will be needed to keep them safe. It's also likely that she will get financial support from domestic abuse charities whilst waiting for benefits and her children will get the emotional support they require.

There are organisations who can help. When I fled from a similar situation Women’s Aid were able to assist me to find a hostel space which was safe. They also give great advice on what to do and how to manage it