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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be really worried about DF

119 replies

peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 20:15

Have name changed as have posted about this friend before and with other posts could be outing.

Friend of 20+ years is in a very abusive relationship with her husband. She has 2 very young DS. Friends DH is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but has never been physical.

I am aware than her DH reads all of her messages on her phone and tracks her movements.

She has confided in me numerous times about leaving but is very concerned (rightly so) about the financial implications as he has really stitched her up. I have encouraged her to leave and sign posted resources that may help.

I usually see this friend a couple of times a week and had plans with her last week to go and do an activity with both of our DS's.

She cancelled the day before saying youngest DS(3) was unwell, fair enough, told her hope he was feeling better soon and let me know if anything I can do to help. I have since found out she told someone we both know, but who she would not know I would talk to, that she has been in a car crash and has facial swelling that happened a few of days ago

After hearing this I panicked and text her not mentioning the car crash as I didn't want to put her on the spot. She said she was fine but was now also ill and had been in bed for 2 days.

I had a bag of her DS's so popped round with it to check in on her, she told me she couldn't come to the door as she was vomittimg snd didn't want me to catch anything.

I have not seen her for over 6 days and no one I know has seen her.

Am I right to be concerned that things have escalated and she has been physically abused by DH? Due to the fact she has told two different stories and won't let me see her. She has no family close by, her DP's have died and she is an only child. She does not have a big support network of friends either although she is very well liked.

I have text her again and not had a response in over 13 hours.

I don't really know what to do now, I can't text her about it as her DH monitors her phone and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Am I being a paranoid stalker or does this sound like she is in a dangerous situation and has likely been attacked? What do I do?

YABU - you sound like a stalker
YANBU - this sounds very worrying

OP posts:
Confusedmeanderings · 07/09/2024 21:30

I really hope your friend is ok. Thank goodness she has a good friend like you looking out for her.

Woahtherehoney · 07/09/2024 21:31

peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:29

@Woahtherehoney no I haven't, thank you for this I will look into this now.

They do live chat until 10pm I believe or you can call anytime. They may be able to support her in other ways too. I hope she’s ok and she’s very lucky to have you 🩷

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 21:32

Thank you everyone I will try refuge now. Really appreciate the support. Have been in a bit of a flap.

OP posts:
Spenditlikebeckham · 07/09/2024 21:35

I would imagine if she did go to hospital they will have flagged it to the police. .. They will know exactly what happened... I would speak to her dc's school.. Relay your worries.. They can keep an eye on her dc or contact ss. That way it won't be coming from you. I reported a dm who hit her dd when my dd's were there. Ss got involved. Sadly she stopped the girls being friends but because it was obvious it had come from them /me...

AnchorWHAT · 08/09/2024 09:32

Don't suppose you have a spare old phone you could take round when DH isn't there so she could have a way of communicating secretly, obviously hidden and on silent with a payg set up?

Nothanks17 · 08/09/2024 09:33

Make something up in text that sounds like you are in some sort of emergency situation or need advice where her DH will know it will look odd if she doesnt come check on you/meet you alone etc. You will know better than any of us from knowing him what will work based on how you are in your family life.

I have called the police once or twice in situations like this for a next door neighbour where I could hear the physical because of the danger. She will lie when hes there to the police, and she will suffer as a consequence. Its not right but it is the truth.

I really hope your friend manages to leave.

PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 09:45

Could you make a request under Claire's Law?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:32

@AnchorWHAT no but this is a really good idea. I could deffo just go and pick up a cheap PAYG phone for her. Thanks for this I will sort this today.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:35

@Nothanks17 I have said I have something I really need to talk to her about that is quite embarrassing as I thought sounded less suspicious, she's said she will call me when she's alone. Have contacted her again this morning to remind her. I am guessing he is on high alert and watching what she is doing at the moment. I should have said that emergency at the start tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:42

@PolaroidPrincess thanks so much, I don't know if it would really apply as she has been with him for a long time, she managed to leave him for a short time before her DS's were born but he had a 'suicide attempt' and she was guilted into going back. She has been with his since she was basically a child and he is a quite lot older than her.

I'm currently waiting to speak to someone from refuge as I couldn't get through last night and hoping they can give me some advice.

I had a good chat with my DH last night and have come up with some ideas and he had will obviously help too wherever we can.

I have tried to encourage her to leave a lot of times before but understand how hard it is. I don't want her to feel judged and forced by me either.

She is close to her auntie who doesn't live near by but is no help whatsoever. I know after his suicide attempt she was part of the problem in making her go back as she told her he was obviously sorry, he needed her help etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:44

Hoping it is ok for me to contact refuge as it does say specifically for people who are in abusive relationships don't want to cause a delay for woman who may need it.

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 16:16

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 10:44

Hoping it is ok for me to contact refuge as it does say specifically for people who are in abusive relationships don't want to cause a delay for woman who may need it.

If I ever have a dilemma like that, I give the charity a donation of what I can afford Flowers

Smartish · 08/09/2024 17:20

@peachpearplum97 have you heard from her yet?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 19:56

@Smartish nope, have text again and tried to call. Not heard anything. Couldn't get through to refuge as service was too busy have tried a few times today.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:01

Just debating about going round again.

OP posts:
Smartish · 08/09/2024 20:14

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:01

Just debating about going round again.

How about a text to make your next plans?
’Hi friend, sorry we haven’t had a chance to catch up, hope you’re feeling better. Fancy coffee /soft play/whatever you usually do on Tuesday’

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:18

@Smartish have already text a couple of times today about plans and no answer and she's not been online on her phone since this morning when I heard from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:19

Just feeling more and more worried

OP posts:
Smartish · 08/09/2024 20:20

peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:19

Just feeling more and more worried

I’m not surprised. What does your DH think? I’m worried about you going round on your own if her H might be nasty?

Thatwouldbeme · 08/09/2024 20:25

Hope you here from your friend and she is ok

Ilovepotato · 08/09/2024 20:30

I’d be phoning the police as although you’ve spoken to her by text -you have no idea if that’s actually him that’s replying!

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 20:30

If she is financially not free to leave then that is more motivation for her to lie for him to police.

I think calling the police for a welfare check would be a mistake and it would be more valuable to her to have your friendship available to her rather than you doing something and her husband forces her to cut you off (all this is irrelevant if you think he may kill her though),.

I have a fair bit of personal experience with this topic and I believe the most likely scenario is that she is isolating/withdrawing herself so she can avoid questions.

She is probably also worried that you will pressure her to leave when she isn't ready and she will disappoint you.

I know this is really, really hard... but I would back off a tiny bit with the texts as it will be suspicious.

What I would do however is send a gift basket/care package.

It is important for abusers to know that their victim has people paying attention, who care and will also go out of their way to do nice things. It is a sneaky way of telling him she has people that value her.

She won't leave until she is ready, but having you by her side will be something she will need when the time comes.

You sound like such a wonderful friend!

DogsandFlowers · 08/09/2024 20:31

You sound like a really good friend
I hope she's ok and leaves this monster 👺

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:38

@Smartish he isn't sure what to do either really, he's usually my go to for a good POA

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:38

@Thatwouldbeme thank you

OP posts:
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