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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really worried about DF

119 replies

peachpearplum97 · 07/09/2024 20:15

Have name changed as have posted about this friend before and with other posts could be outing.

Friend of 20+ years is in a very abusive relationship with her husband. She has 2 very young DS. Friends DH is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive but has never been physical.

I am aware than her DH reads all of her messages on her phone and tracks her movements.

She has confided in me numerous times about leaving but is very concerned (rightly so) about the financial implications as he has really stitched her up. I have encouraged her to leave and sign posted resources that may help.

I usually see this friend a couple of times a week and had plans with her last week to go and do an activity with both of our DS's.

She cancelled the day before saying youngest DS(3) was unwell, fair enough, told her hope he was feeling better soon and let me know if anything I can do to help. I have since found out she told someone we both know, but who she would not know I would talk to, that she has been in a car crash and has facial swelling that happened a few of days ago

After hearing this I panicked and text her not mentioning the car crash as I didn't want to put her on the spot. She said she was fine but was now also ill and had been in bed for 2 days.

I had a bag of her DS's so popped round with it to check in on her, she told me she couldn't come to the door as she was vomittimg snd didn't want me to catch anything.

I have not seen her for over 6 days and no one I know has seen her.

Am I right to be concerned that things have escalated and she has been physically abused by DH? Due to the fact she has told two different stories and won't let me see her. She has no family close by, her DP's have died and she is an only child. She does not have a big support network of friends either although she is very well liked.

I have text her again and not had a response in over 13 hours.

I don't really know what to do now, I can't text her about it as her DH monitors her phone and I don't want to make things worse for her.

Am I being a paranoid stalker or does this sound like she is in a dangerous situation and has likely been attacked? What do I do?

YABU - you sound like a stalker
YANBU - this sounds very worrying

OP posts:
Candaceowens · 08/09/2024 20:39

OP please just go round and see her.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:39

@Ilovepotato yeah I have just read over the texts and can't actually tell if it's her or not.

OP posts:
PandaChopChop · 08/09/2024 20:41

At this point.. if you're not sure it's actually her who has sent the messages and you haven't seen or heard (that you know of) from her.. I'd call the police.

You're in an incredibly tough position right now OP and you sound like a wonderful friend.

parietal · 08/09/2024 20:43

The scenario that you are assuming is that he has injured her and she is now hiding away until she recovers or the bruises fade. It is unlikely that he would hurt her again in the next few days. I think the safest option is to wait until he is back at work or out of the way next week and then chat to her in person. Don't do anything on a panic now when you don't know the situation.

PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 20:44

Is she someone that you ever see on the school run? Could you wait to see if you see her tomorrow?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:44

@AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish

Thank you for taking the time for this reply it's really helpful.

If she is financially not free to leave then that is more motivation for her to lie for him to police. - I do not think she would tell the police if they came round.

I think calling the police for a welfare check would be a mistake and it would be more valuable to her to have your friendship available to her rather than you doing something and her husband forces her to cut you off (all this is irrelevant if you think he may kill her though), - I wasn't worried about this but now radio silence is making me really concerned. We usually text back and forth quite a bit, send pictures of DS's etc. He hasn't been violent with her before which I am pretty certain of, but his behavior has escalated quite rapidly to physical (if this is even the case as I don't even know if this has happened) so I am now thinking of the worst possible scenarios.

I have a fair bit of personal experience with this topic and I believe the most likely scenario is that she is isolating/withdrawing herself so she can avoid questions.

She is probably also worried that you will pressure her to leave when she isn't ready and she will disappoint you. - I imagine you are right and but hope this isn't the case as I've repeatedly told her how I understand that she can't leave at the moment and understand from being in a similar relationship many years ago and struggling to leave.

I know this is really, really hard... but I would back off a tiny bit with the texts as it will be suspicious.

What I would do however is send a gift basket/care package. - good idea

It is important for abusers to know that their victim has people paying attention, who care and will also go out of their way to do nice things. It is a sneaky way of telling him she has people that value her.

She won't leave until she is ready, but having you by her side will be something she will need when the time comes.

Thanks so much for this advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:46

Thanks so much for the supportive messages but they sound exactly like what is going on in my head oscillating between calling the police / going round / waiting till I know he's in work so finding it hard to navigate

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:47

@parietal yes this is what I am thinking. I would usually see her at nursery drop off on a Monday morning.

OP posts:
Candaceowens · 08/09/2024 20:47

Why don't you try going round first and if that fails then you know you need to call the police?

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:49

@Candaceowens my concern is if I go round he will answer the door and say she's in bed and I don't really know where I go from there?

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:49

@Candaceowens and then his suspicions of me will obviously be heightened.

OP posts:
Candaceowens · 08/09/2024 20:51

Just be honest, say you've heard she's been in am accident and you're worried and you need to see her. If he refuses them tell him calmly that you'll ask the police to do a welfare check instead and walk away.

She obviously can't leave him, time to get drastic. You may lose her friendship temporarily, or even forever but you need to be willing to do that to help save her from this man.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:52

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. I think on the back of @AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish I will back off this evening, I would usually see her tomorrow morning anyway, if I do see her - brilliant, if I don't I'm going to go round with a care package first thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:52

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. I think on the back of @AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish I will back off this evening, I would usually see her tomorrow morning anyway, if I do see her - brilliant, if I don't I'm going to go round with a care package first thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 20:55

@Candaceowens but if he then says no and forbids her from talking to me, I call the police and she then denies anything has happened and she's had an accident I'm not helping her at all, just cutting off one or her lifelines.

I really do appreciate where you are coming from and that is what my gut wants to do but don't think it is going to actually help.

OP posts:
AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 08/09/2024 21:03

I wish your friend all the strength, courage and healing.

Also make sure you take care of yourself throughout this also... it can be incredibly draining and traumatic to see someone you love be hurt when you are helpless.

I have seen people completely burn out whilst trying to support people in this situation and you will be no help to anyone if you are struggling.

Like they always say, put your own mask on first!

As for your plan, I think you are doing the right thing 💗

Bluetrews25 · 08/09/2024 21:23

This is so worrying!
What if you don't see her tomorrow at drop off?
What if her DC is/are not at nursery/school? - I think you'd HAVE to contact police at that point for a welfare check.
Incidentally, is there a smashed up car outside her house, from the 'car crash'? Or is her vehicle there, intact?

PolaroidPrincess · 08/09/2024 21:25

Bluetrews25 · 08/09/2024 21:23

This is so worrying!
What if you don't see her tomorrow at drop off?
What if her DC is/are not at nursery/school? - I think you'd HAVE to contact police at that point for a welfare check.
Incidentally, is there a smashed up car outside her house, from the 'car crash'? Or is her vehicle there, intact?

I think if her DF and the DC aren't there tomorrow the OP could either speak to the Police or the Nursery manager tomorro.

Zanatdy · 08/09/2024 21:36

How worrying OP. I’d definitely go round in the morning if you don’t see her on the school run. Ideally you need to go round when her H is not there. It certainly sounds like the abuse has escalated to physical. I hope that you’re able to help her to leave this horrible man. As we all know though, sometimes the person just isn’t ready to leave. Keep trying the shelters / DV helplines for advice on best thing to do.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 21:48

@Bluetrews25 if I can't see her tomorrow and can't get in touch with her, I don't really see any other option than contacting the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 21:49

@Zanatdy yes I will do tomorrow, if she's not there and he is I will try and work out if he is going home. I'm going to go early so there's no way I can miss either of them.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 08/09/2024 22:20

I would try to call her before calling the cops, gets around the issue of if you don't know who's texting.

Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:05

Update.

She's just phoned text me saying sorry she hadn't replied all day she had no signal. Said she won't be dropping DS off in the morning as DH wants to do it. Said she is feeling better so is going to be out all day tomorrow as going to go shopping and to visit her aunt.

We had plans tomorrow has apologised for cancelling on me etc but needs to do shopping as she's not had chance to do it as was so ill last week.

So basically I don't want to see you tomorrow, don't come round.

Text message was quite lengthy and light hearted made some jokes etc, did sound like her.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
peachpearplum97 · 08/09/2024 23:05

Sorry should say text not phoned

OP posts:
dinmin · 08/09/2024 23:09

Can you offer to accompany her shopping?
or do you know when / where she would go shopping (or can you find out in text chat tomorrow morning?)
could you find out when she’s planning to visit her aunt and stake out her house to see if she actually leaves?