Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

This ^^
It's not about excluding or treating kids differently, how are these grandparents expected to handle 2 younger children (I think OP said ages 3-4) and on top 2 older children with challenging behaviour, who they can't discipline and aren't close to?

It's one thing to be kind to them, bring them treats and xmas/birthday gifts, chat to them etc. But a long trip/day outing without any help from the parents is unfair in my view.

It would have been better that instead of giving ultimatums, the SIL had explained her issues and wishes, then the GPs could say what they can do and/or why they can't and meet somewhere halfway perhaps (e.g. older children can join in for a different activity or SIL and BIL come along to make it manageable for everyone)

I have four kids and tbh I don’t foist them off onto relatives in one go as it’s a lot. I encourage them to do something nice with older or younger two or even one on one It’s far more enjoyable and they develop more of a relationship rather than just being exhausted.

I think it’s reasonable to want her kids included in the wider family. It’s not reasonable to shoehorn them in with yours. It’d make more sense tor your parents to accompany your brothers family to stuff that way they get to spend time with everyone and eldest two should feel more secure as their mum is there surely?

I have four kids and tbh I don’t foist them off onto relatives in one go as it’s a lot. I encourage them to do something nice with older or younger two or even one on one It’s far more enjoyable and they develop more of a relationship rather than just being exhausted.

I think it’s reasonable to want her kids included in the wider family. It’s not reasonable to shoehorn them in with yours. It’d make more sense tor your parents to accompany your brothers family to stuff that way they get to spend time with everyone and eldest two should feel more secure as their mum is there surely?

I do think it would be a good idea for the adults to sit down and have a chat about what might be necessary to include everyone. Presumably the grandparents don't have endless reserves of energy and money. As pp has said perhaps a parent needs to come along too to help out on days out, especially if the child in question has some additional needs due to previous trauma.

One of my 3 kids has additional needs and we need two adults present on days out really. It's very stressful otherwise.

I don't think SIL giving an ultimatum like this is a helpful approach to take, particularly to grandparents who have been so involved in their granddaughter's care. It's like blackmail. SIL may have justifiable concerns but she and OP's brother are not going about this the right way either. Obviously emotions are running high but some calm discussions need to be had.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I’m not sure I’m understanding this correctly. Who is the nephew you refer to? Is he your brother’s (but not current SIL’s) child? Does he live with the brother’s stepson? Or is he another sibling’s child?

So Sil has 2 children with significant issues, who have attacked the other grandkids in the family.
Where are you getting this from?
OP just said the boy had "meltdown" (crying tantrum?) before, and the little girl was described as "withdrawn" (quiet, shy). You mustn't make shit up, because that isn't helpful. A kid from a broken home had difficulty joining a new big family, and a small girl was nervous, neither of those reactions are weird at all. The onus is really on the adults to help the kids join the family, it is not on the small people to just not be traumatised by magic.

For context, I have a DN who struggles more than the others to join in. We manage than by setting out extra crafts for her, reminding the others to invite her into games etc. Leaving her iut because she finds it harder than the others is just inconceivable to me. I would find it actively evil in fact.

Even if that meant having 6+ grandchildren at a time?

But surely their relationship is completely different? They dont have to be treated exactly the same, as long as your ILs treat them kindly. They aren't their GCs afterall and I'm sure your kids don't see them as GPs either.

I think OP has posted previously @GRex.
She said as much.

Her other thread. The boy attacked one of the nephew’s because he got a day out and he didn’t.

From the other thread that Op mentions and is linked here.

You mustn’t accuse people of making things up if you haven’t read the whole thread.

I’d actually be worried for the older girl and the little girl in a home with a violent older boy where the mother and step father clearly see no issue with it.

Such poor poor parenting. The youngest girl will certainly resent her older half brother if she is denied a relationship with her extended family basically because of him.

His GF threatening his mother is outrageous and if I was on the other end of that I would think what has he brought into the family. She has no diplomacy only threats a conversation would go a long way and small changes could possibly be made of she was reasonable. I do wonder what her relationship is like with her own family she sounds controlling.

I don’t think it’s double standards?

Brother, SIL and the two children are a family and they are the grandparents.

It doesn’t sound like the father has much to do with his own child, so therefore the half sibling has nothing to do with the father’s life.

Not the case for the brother and SIL. Both children live permanently with them and are a family.

The GP should include both children.

I think the occasional one-on-one time is also okay, sometimes my children’s biological GP only see one of them rather than all of them and that’s fine.

And I've seen a couple of threads where by treating the kids differently has caused irrecoverable damage to the relationship with the grandparents/wider family when the kids remain loyal to their siblings.

My in laws see all the kids as their grandchildren. That's how it should be.

I’m in a blender family. My DSD doesn’t not see her mum and hasn’t for a number of years - she’s only 10. I had a baby last year and even before the baby came, my family ALWAYS included my DSD. She is my family. Last summer when I was pregnant my dad took her to Switzerland for 2 weeks and wouldn’t ever dream of not including her in plans. My in laws treat DSD as if she’s not family & make too much of a fuss of the baby like my 10 year old isn’t in the room yet she is a product of their own son - I’ve put my foot down and we now limit contact because I’m not having my DSD be made to feel worthless against her baby sister.

those children are your brothers family. They might not be ‘blood’ but that doesn’t change the fact they are a family unit. If his biological children were naughty or had issues would you all exclude them too? Your SIL has obviously had enough of her children being divided and your brother is stuck in the middle along with the children.

It’s certainly a double standard to hold another persons parents to a higher grandparent role than the actual grandparents.

Its not his parents job or responsibility to pick up the slack for the other grandparents who for whatever reason are no / low contact.

Maybe the mother cut them off too for a random reason.

For one thing, that's not the issue here, I was pointing out how nonsensical the 'control your woman' stuff is.

Secondly, how do you know how the SIL spoke to them? From the OP, it sounds like she set out her terms and that was that.

SIL can’t just co-opt two people into playing grandparents if they don’t want to.

There is a middle ground where the GPs treat all the kids kindly but they should be allowed to treat their own grand kids to a weekend away if they and their son/daughter want them to.

I wonder how many of the parents saying the in laws treat the step-children the same have held the threat of not seeing their spouse or spouse’s children anymore over them.

@FreshStart2025

I think it's double standards to hold unrelated people to the child to a higher standard of contact than the actual grandparents / father 🤷🏻‍♀️

They're not the children's grandparents - the children aren't any actual relation to them, just because the brother and SIL are together it doesn't make them related.

The GP shouldn't have to include unrelated violent children on day trips if they don't want to imo. Especially if they can't manage such horrid behaviour!

The children have actual grandparents somewhere - why aren't they being held to such high standards? Why aren't they on the hook for contact?

The siblings shouldn’t be expected to pick a side at all.

Not sure why you think that outcome is worse than the younger children being alienated from their own family. Blended families are not nuclear ones, no matter how much some want to pretend they are. That the older children have no relationship with their own grandparents does not mean the grandparents of the younger ones are obliged to provide one.

There’s no ‘should’ about it. Your in laws do what works for them, but what they choose to do isn’t going to work for everyone.

I think if a smallish age gap it’s not fair but my son was 12yrs older than my second son, and different father so I didn’t expect his step grandparents to treat him the same. They were on good terms, but not the same relationship and that was fine. Had he been much younger than it would have been different

What a curious argument to make!!!

Let me amend my previous post to read “communicate” instead of ‘“speak”.

Time for you to find some other thing in the post to pick apart to help you normalise the bullying of women.

Why come to MN if you hate women so much?

You absolute what pal? I don't know what you're smoking but I'll take a toot. 😆 🤣 😂

I'm not one talking about men taking control of their women ffs. Jeezo.

Im sorry im having to use a screen reader and voice to text to post right now and it doesn’t pick up my accent too well and I cannot correct if I don’t see/hear it well. Of course I meant treat but as you like to be smart about things keep doing what you’re doing.