Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Of course you can “cheat” children in the same home.

Mum has baby with man 1.. decent maintenance, gets holidays abroad with dad, flashy phone and clothes

Mum marries and has baby and baby with man 2… both minimum wage workers, camping, primark clothes.

Two totally different lives between the three children because of different dads. That’s life. You wouldn’t expect dad 1 to pick up the slack for kid 2 and 3.

So why are these grandparents expected to pick up the slack for lack of contact with dad1’s parents.

So the grandfather has taken two of his male grandchildren away for a couple of days but not his step grandchild? He didn't take any of his female grandchildren. He didn't take the stepchild's half-sister. I think your parents can do things with groups of their grandchildren without including all of them. You know if your family dynamic is normally to treat all cousins almost as siblings, however, and in this case excluding the stepchildren would be unkind. So there is a difference in not treating siblings (including half siblings) the same and in not treating cousins (including step cousins) the same.

These are children you are talking about? Who, by your own admission, see their own father rarely? I can honestly imagine nothing worse for them than to be also ignored due to not being “ blood” by your family members. These children didn’t choose this. All the adults in this situation need to behave better, you included op, I’ve been that child and it is fucking AWFUL, I am pushing 50 and it has never left me.

I'm with the SIL. Leaving out step children when you're including their half sibling is just awful. Even if SIL left those children are still part of your family, they are the siblings of your biological niece.

Who cares if the grandparents didn't "ask" for step grandchildren, they've got them, and while they've got them they should be treated equally.

It absolutely is not acceptable for your partner to speak to your parents like that. I wouldn’t tolerate the woman who raised me to be disrespected in such a way.

I hate people like this! How can she do such a thing! She'll need them when the little one is ill and she can't go to school.

This.

Good for her.

Your parents won't be anywhere near as upset as a kid with lifelong trauma and resentment from being excluded.

Or maybe she'll cope just fine like the other millions of parents all over the world who don't require GP for childcare when their kid is ill.

Random child? This isn't a child plucked from the street it's your brother's step child,.
Jesus

Why are they deliberately excluding half siblings. It's not nice and not necessarily to exclude DC. My in-laws made a huge fuss of my 3 DC from my first marriage. They had them stay for a week every summer so DH and I could have a romantic break. They live by the seaside so my DC loved going. They both took the week off from work and took them to park farms, beach, enormous jungle Jim's etc. Now my FiL has died MiL is over 80 and my DC are all grown up but my DS's often go up to see their Nan. One D's drives 160 miles to visit her and take her out for a cream tea or an ice cream. The other DS lives closer and visits her about every 8 weeks. She loves having them visit her. They actually visit more frequently than her blood DGC do.

But you'll tolerate the child you gave birth to being disrespected in such a way?

Adult wants are less important than children's needs.

This OP is desperately sad.

These kids are by her own account distressed and suffering, very possibly from losing half their family, including their father. Their mother wants them to feel as valued, valid and important within the only wider family they have as her other child. The paternal family are outraged by this and see no reason not to favour the child who is already growing up with both parents in her home, and has known nothing else.

Just really sad.

Mother should take that issue up with her children’s actual family.

This. I salute your SIL.

It takes a village, as they say. Grandparents who treat stepchildren differently are really not admirable. Imagine the difference they could be making in the boys' lives, if they chose to.

This makes a lot of sense. I wonder if she has her parents in her children's lives. All ops parents have to do is give them emotional attention nothing else. I had a step grandad and that's all he gave me and a fiver here and there.

A willing village. They probably could, but they don’t want to and it’s not their obligation to do so.

My in laws had 4 biological grandchildren and 3 " step " grandchildren. Christmas and bdays all were treated the same. When asked about grandchildren my in laws would say they had 7 grandchildren. At our wedding my father in law said one of the best things about me joining the family apart from obviously getting me 😀was getting another grandchild. When my mother in law died all of the grandsons biological and step were pall bearers, The " step " grandchildren all joined the family at a similar age around 10.

I'm on the fence with this one. GP's are entitled to do things with anyone. Don't many of us do things like this with our own kids when they want a one on one time with one child? My sister and mum have regular coffee meetings without me and every month I take dm out for a Sunday lunch without sister. Should we just throw a hissy fit then and threaten to go nc? However, if op's parents are actively leaving out the step kids on events that are directly linked with the son and his step kids then thats horrible and being unreasonable and If they aren't then sil is hard work and unreasonable.

I think it depends on the ages of the older children, to be fair. I think it would be nice to be included sometimes, but if they are 12 and 14 it's unreasonable to expect the grandparents to include them if they want to take the 3 year old to soft play.

Even among biological siblings grandparents will take kids out separately based on interests/ages.

I’ve seen more than one thread on here where the biological grandchild has taken serious issue with a a parent for denying them a relationship with their grandparents for this reason. In being ‘fair’ to her older children, she’s being very unfair to her youngest.

Trying to force the relationship isn’t going to create a genuine or loving one. Her eldest children are not your parents grandchildren. YANBU.

I think it's OK to do something with only one child's kids, but including 2 DNs from different siblings without inviting the third sibling's kids is where SIL is getting upset, and rightly so. Your parents need to try to honestly accept the step kid. That doesn't mean every child gets the same thing, but he's just a kid - make nice, it isn't that hard. They could start by just inviting step-GC and his sibling to something they would both enjoy, to build the relationship a bit more. If they aren't willing, then that's very sad.

I think it is very wrong to exclude step children but as grandparents we really can only manage our grandchildren 2 at a time when out. Sometimes we take one set of children out and sometimes another. Sometimes we take the oldest from each family out and sometimes the youngest. I think taking 3 children to an air show is a very big ask, especially if one of them is not that well behaved. This really does depend on the ages of the children involved. Perhaps FIL should explain this to your SIL.
However, I think your SIL has been quite sneaky after having accepted childcare for a while. Just wait until the child is ill and brother/SIL need some to look after her.

Hmm this makes me thankful for how well my parents handled my ex/step daughter when I was with my ex. They asked her to call them Grandma and Grandad (she still does at 17yrs even though I'm not with her Dad and she doesn't see him), they have never held any behaviour against her because she was just a child and she was included in everything to the point we thought she would have to come to my sisters wedding due to weekends, and as my daughter who is the same age was a bridesmaid we thought she could be too, I remember my mum saying that we would just buy another bridesmaids dress if needed.

I’ll always put women’s rights first. It’s a crazy concept to some but I guess I’m progressive like that.

So Sil has 2 children with significant issues, who have attacked the other grandkids in the family.

and if the grandparents dare do anything with any of their other grandchildren, and don’t include the 2 step grandchildren, SIL has decided she will cut off her youngest child from the their own grand parents.

Doesn’t seem fair on anyone.

and at no point has offered either her or husband tag along and take her kids so there’s not loads of kids with one adult and that a parent is there to deal with negative behaviour of the 2 that have form for being violent?

I do think Sil is in the wrong. If she is so concerned for how her kids feel maybe she needs to work on what she and her husband can do about their behaviour and how to manage it. And it might mean those kids can only go if a parent does.

It’s not reasonable for your dp to routinely leave out a child who views their son as a father. I would have been livid if my family did that to dsd. Having said that they’re under no obligation to spend 1-2-1 time with him on these trips if his behaviour is poor and are free to invite him on the condition one of his parents go too.