Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

I presumed you mean cheating them out of the experience the other got tbh there was no malice.

Why would your parents leave out children.

Their son has accepted these children as his family, so so should your parents.

I really don't get why they would do otherwise

I don’t get some peoples view at all! If I remarried and had another child I would not expect their parents to be a grandparent to all the all of my kids. Why should they? They already have two grandparents? And I wouldn’t ever expect my parents to take my new partners children out either it’s just weird!

@Growuppeople have you ever been a step child? Particularly one whose biological parent/grand parents had stop bothering?

But your brother had a baby with a parent and married her. Two families joined, legally.

It's so alien to me that you would want to leave innocent children out and create a divide between siblings.

What an odd stance to take. Particularly as you are all parents.

What a wonderful mum your SIL is.

It's not weird. It's family.

Sounds like a lack of self esteem if you wouldn't expect your child to be treated well by your husband and his family - hypothetically speaking.

And honestly I'm not trying to be rude.

Why is it weird? If my children have step children one day that are living with them then they would be part of my child's family and household. Excluding them would be bloody weird. I would be honoured to be a "chosen" grandparent.

I have. I’ve met my sperm donor like once. Didn’t expect my stepdads family to become my new family. They are my brothers family. Not mine.

They got my birthday and Christmas gifts. I was invited to parties and such but I never had sleepovers or special days out. Did not have one on ones with them.

It was never an issue. Because I wasn’t raised entitled to other peoples stuff and time. If they want to be great fabulous if not polite and respectful is the expected.

It’s a parents job to manage expectations and to also explain the differences in a child friendly way.

Exactly, SIL and DB need to be better parents here and manage dc’s expectations.

from her point of view makes sense. From people not blood related to the son, it won't

Our family situation is a bit like this and I will be forever grateful for my DH’s family for including my older daughter as though she was as one of their own. And I have made the effort to do the same for his sons. The outcome of this consciously inclusive approach is three happy, well adjusted teens who absolutely know they are loved and wanted by both sides of their family.

I really feel for your SIL that she’s having to watch her kids being excluded in this way and actually admire her for taking a stand for them.

Why does being blood related matter so much?
My inlaws treat me the same as my DH and I'm not blood related to them. They invited me in like family. I'm not blood related to my nieces on my DHs side but I don't see them as any lesser than my biological nephews.

Why can’t the gp of the stepchild step up? The father’s parents.

I think it’s a bit shitty the step child was excluded. He would have definitely known about it too.
Good on your SIL I say.

I don’t think it’s about blood. My cousin is adopted and she‘s more of a sister to me than one of my actual sisters, she’s family.

But this closeness came about due to shared history and a bond, and you can’t force people to feel that if they don’t, it doesn’t help anyone to force it by demanding the same treatment all the time, like weekends away, least of all the children.

It always makes me chuckle that people believe 'blended families' are a new thing ! Go back three or four generations, depending on your age, and when a woman died in childbirth , it was actually quite usual for the man to re-marry and have more children with a different woman.

What concerns me about this thread is the fact that these 'stepgrandchildren' have been diagnosed with violent behavioural difficulties, because one allegedly hurt another child when no adult was present ( what does that actually mean ? I have seen siblings hurt each other and this be brushed off by parents , but God forbid anyone outside the family do the same thing ) and the other had a meltdown when the grandparent had taken two of the other grandchildren out without him, given the behaviour of the adults, maybe the other grandchildren mirrored the behaviour of the adults in a way that a similar aged child found difficult to deal with ?

#Teamchildren

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All the children are part of one family. If they all had same relationship to GPs would bad behaviour of one lead to them just being left behind?? It smacks of not considering the step children as real members of the family. It will also make the child feel worse. Find a way to include them, whatever that takes.

It's not about picking a side. It's about seeing people for who they really are and recognising even at a young age traits in some adults that you dislike.

You don't have to pretend blended families are nuclear ones. Nuclear ones aren't superior. Such terms are devisive and redundant as its about which family is loving and which is not at the end of the day. That's what makes a family real.

There are two women here, and one of the step kids is a girl.

And hijacking feminism to justify screwing over vulnerable kids, when the adult most objecting to this is the father in law, is pretty pathetic, bluntly.

Yes, of course grandparents should be able to say no to taking children away due to bad behaviour.

So many people seem to think DGPs should have no agency.

How sad. Those poor kids not being wanted. That resentment will be felt deeply and forever.

I still don't understand the family make up. OP talks about a niece being withdrawn from contact but she also speaks about a nephew - who is this nephew? Brother's son or is it a step son?

I also think ages & events have some relevance here.

So none of Sil's kids went.

Did the 2 that went also have siblings that didn't go?

What happens at bdays, Christmas...

Normalising a hysterical in-law to threaten your mother with no contact to your own children is atrocious. God know what else she is doing behind closed doors. This is a parenting site if you haven’t forgotten. I know we end up with a lot of posters who come here to have a go at women but this takes the biscuit.

I wouldn’t expect my new partners parents to treat my son the same, my child would know from the start that they’re not his grandparents and they’re his step siblings grandparents. You can’t force a relationship, op had said they’re treated the same at gatherings and Xmas etc. grandparents should be able to spend time with their own grandchildren without having to include a step grandchild who’s behaviour is unmanageable. My mum took my older ones out more than my asd child as she found him hard, I didn’t say no to her and deny older kids fun, I would do something on my own with younger child that was fun to make up for it. I feel sorry for granddaughter and grandfather who will miss out on spending time together because grandfather is being forced to take an unrelated child who has challenging behaviour.