Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

I’m surprised your parents had to be reminded to treat all of the dc in the family fairly tbh op! They are children! They don’t understand the nuances of this situation. They all just want to be treated the same.

Really interesting reading the replies, I have 1 GS who has 4 older half brothers AKA our step GS. We try to treat them all the same and take an equal interest in all their lives but there's no way we can afford to treat them all equally indefinitely. E.G Deposits on 1st house, Uni fees, 1st car etc. I do feel we should be allowed to help out our one blood GS in the knowledge that the other 4 have their own set of GP's to help them out?

Get his wife under control? Are we back in the 50s?

@Lampzade So if your uncle has several grand children, say 6 or 8, he would take all of them away to an air show?

My Dad’s a retired head teacher and I’m not sure that he’d attempt to take that many kids to an air show on his own. 😂

If the Sil was desperate for them to go why didn’t she or her husband volunteer to go with them and take their oldest 2.

Since these children have behavioural problems and are violent, leaving them with a grandparent and other children is unfair on all of them.

But their mother or step father could have gone along so they could deal with their children’s behavioural problems. Weird how the brother and sil want their older children, who have issues, involved when it means someone else taking them away and dealing with their poor behaviour.

I can understand your SIL not wanting her older children to be treated noticeably differently to their half sis by the ILs.

But she’s expecting your parents to invite her older kids every time they do anything with other cousins - even when their sister isn’t included?! That’s ridiculous. GPs can’t be expected to take every single GC/StepGC to all events. My DF can manage 2 at a time max! And that’s with him feeling comfortable enough telling them off as they’re his DC’s kids. Cousins don’t have to do everything together as a pack!

I can understand her not wanting older dcs left out. Kids tend to remember being left out of fun events well beyond childhood.

But all those kids are probably too much for grandparents- as a compromise could they all go out for days out but with the older kids' parent/s there as well.. ?

Actually, re-reading this I'm not sure if the nephew OP mentioned is part of her brother's blended family (his biological son from a previous relationship) or another sibling's child.
Because that would make a big difference to me.

I wouldn’t expect step grandparents to treat my children the same as their own grandchildren but if they obviously treated them differently and my children felt left out and hurt then I’d protect them and not go to family events where they were put in that position. I certainly wouldn’t force the step grandparents to take my kids anywhere if they weren’t welcome , again I wouldn’t put my kids in that position. It wouldn’t make for close family ties but all my children’s feelings would come first.

One of my grandfathers was not biologically mine, however I was his first grandchild, I was as loved and adored as the others that come along after me. There was never any difference made by him.

My in laws took on 2 children of mine, included as part of the family, my widowed MIL is actually close to my daughter and her children.

My son is engaged to a lady who has a little boy, he is as much our grandchild as our biological. He has severe behaviour issues, so it is very difficult to take him anywhere without a parent, so we tend to do whole family things with him, they now have a daughter together.

My in laws gave themselves the title of grand parents and lived up to it, I like to think we do the same. If your SIL children are difficult, you have to adapt the way you interact with them, especially as they have blended into your family and there is now a joint child. She is being raised with siblings, no matter to her that they might be half siblings, they are being raised together. Blackmail is wrong, but she is the mother of all of them.

I was lucky, my grandad showed us how it was done.

Same. I thought it was a sibling in the blended family. If it’s cousins that’s different

Blended families are hard. It’s hard being the parent of children who are not thought of / included. It’s hard to know how best to proceed when they are grate from ally and tokenistically. Children see it and know!

I’ve largely been very oh how lovely they thought of you, but it’s getting harder. At Easter my kids got nothing whilst their step siblings got £40. I’m not sure what to do about Xmas when they get £10 in a card and their step siblings will get over £100 of gifts (and they’ll be expected to sit and watch them open them).

in laws see less of us as they only want to really see their grand kids. My family invite us all and treat everyone the same.

Hmm I'm team sil.

You say she came from an abusive relationship. So her kids have likely been victims of DV and have trauma hence their behaviour.

Clearly the 3.5 isn't the same because she's not been in that environment and you all want to spend with her (which also demonstrates it's not sil crap parenting that's an issue here otherwise the 3.5 yo would be the same).

If a blood grandchild had trauma from DV would your GP leave them out?

SIL is absolutely going about this the right way. Treat all the same.

Can only comment as a granny and step granny.
I think it’s the attitude that counts more than the acts . They’re not all going to want to do the same activities but as long as they are all treated with the same love and attention it evens out.
Example, biggish age gap between step gc and first grandchild. So step wouldn’t want a trip out to soft play or toddler music show. But did appreciate a trip to a hobby store and something bought.
Maybe all the adults talking might get you all on the same page , but please don’t leave step children out. Their dads given them one shit message, they don’t need any more.

@Tandora. Yes, my understanding now is that two cousins went to the air show, not siblings. That’s completely different.

None of the SIL’s children went to the event.

Any unequal treatment of grandchildren can cause huge problems in families. However, when the children are not related to the ‘grandparents’ one has to be particularly sensitive .

If I've understood this correctly the SIL is expecting GPs to take her sons out when GPs take out their other grandsons none of whom live with SIL. They are not just taking out the sister and refusing to take out her half brothers. This is like expecting my mum to take out my son every time she takes out one of my siblings kids - which is insanity as my mum has 12 GCs.

Would you let your husband speak to your mother like she spoke to his?

YABU and so is your father. A blended family is still family. You cannot cheat children living in the same home so very differently or it breeds resentment or bullying.

I was the step grandchild and I was left out until adulthood oddly. My full and half siblings were all treated equally, taken away on holiday, got Christmas and birthday presents etc. I was the quiet one but I was left out. It felt horrible. Thankfully my maternal grandmother protected me from the worst of it but I grew up bullied by my full sibling because of it and with not much of a relationship with my half siblings and I’m sad about that. It feels awful in your tweens and teens realising you’re left out. It has lasting effects. It’s not the child’s fault and yet the child is the one who suffers and has their self worth destroyed. Imagine not being wanted by any grandparents

Your granddad sounds like he was wonderful.

As the stepchild in this scenario- I have a much younger half sibling- the damage done by being made to feel "second best" , an inconvenience, not a real daughter, is lifelong.

My father died not so long ago, I did not attend his funeral. Why should I,when he clearly cared nothing for me, my children and grandchildren (whose names he couldn't be bothered to remember). I have no contact with my half sibling.

Is this what you want OP?

I don't suppose I was a easy child- but still, I was a child, and his daughter.

No, but so what? No one needs to be getting anyone 'under control', that's ridiculous.

Nobody should be leaving out kids. Those kids are part of your family now and should be treated the same as every other child in the family. End of story.

Team SIL. all kids in a family should be treated the same.