Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

I think your in laws should invite him to things that his sister will be going to when she's a bit older, and be seen to treat the siblings the same (ie presents etc). That way he won't feel left out from his sister.

I don't think he should have to be invited on weekends etc that their other grandchildren go to.

Thats interesting. Is your argument the GPS can never spend any time with any subset of the grandchildren without inviting them all?

that will be very difficult given ages and numbers?

so grandpa can’t take out the older kids without the younger babies? Given the number of grandchildren he can never take them out alone?

given the behavioural problems with the oldest step child None of the grandchildren get to spend time alone with the grandparents because they couldn’t cope?

when the little girl is dropped off for babysitting, the grandparents say no - unless all five grandchildren are here it’s a no?

the resentment that will cause will be unreal! These kids will grow up remembering uncle Dave married a woman with badly behaved kids. The new wife insisted we couldnt see grandma and grandpa unless her kids were all so there. So we never got to do anything on our own anymore because grandpa couldn’t cope with Tyson’s temper tantrums. These kids changed my childhood - they had their own grandparents why did they need to dictate my relationship with mine?

I remember your previous posts I don’t think your that fair, even the language you use “step neice” and neice. You don’t include them, they are apart of your brothers family, and by extension yours. It sounds like your sil is hurt. I probably would be too. I think you should rethink how you and your family treat innocent children.

Wow OP. It’s no wonder SIL has said that. Your family have no interest in the other children? How nasty. I totally agree with SIL, I wouldn’t let you or your family see any of the DC unless they were all included and treated equally. Do you even have any understanding of the impact of your family’s behaviour on the other children, clearly they aren’t good enough in your eyes, clearly the boy is too much hassle. Uniquely special? So one child is more important than the rest? Are you actually reading what you are writing. Poor children.

Her sil wants the grandparents to take out her children when they take out ops children. She hasn't asked the grandparents to spend time with her children for the day. The op has already stated that her stepchildren fight when they are with the other children they become competitive for attention. They like to be centre of attention.

I personally think what the ops sil is asking for is unreasonable when she could have asked for one to one with her children. I think ops sil likes to be centre of attention as well and that's where her children get it from. She doesn't sound reasonable or willing to have a conversation she would rather throw her dummy out of the pram.

My husband and I had both been married before. He has 2 children and I have one. My mother would not treat any of them differently, if one got it they all got it.
MIL was nothing like her. She lived at the other end of the country so we didn't get to see her regularly One summer we took a three and went to visit for a week. She was horrendous she bought things for 'her grandchildren' and left mine out. One day while we were out she bought an ice cream for hers and happily walked away from the ice cream van. While I was buying one for my daughter my husband went off to her house. When we got back he had packed all our stuff into the car and told his mother that he was disgusted with her and how would she feel if the same was done to hers. We never took them back again. Now this was 50 years ago and all 3 kids remember it vividly.
The look on my daughters face was heartbreaking, she didn't know why she was so disliked. Her grandchildren asked her why she was so nasty. They were 6,5, and 4 at the time. My husband adopted my daughter and she would not accept her. She was the one who lost out.
Just an insight to the other point of view OP

Seems overkill to go NC for 50 years over an ice cream. She lived at the other end of the country, exoecting her to have a bond with her step-grandchildren was a tall order.

tenaladyfan

That's awful!

Op hasn't really said that much about what her brother's step children aren't being included in.

You don't have to have a bond with a child to buy them an ice-cream in these sort of circumstances @armadillo.

It wasn't just an ice cream, I would be here all day if I listed everything, the horrible things she said and did. We didn't expect her to bond with my daughter just to treat her the same as the others. We didn't take the children back to visit but she could and did visit them. I never said we went no contact, just never went back to visit.

To be fair it sounds like the OPs grandparents would do things like buying all the kids present things like an ice cream. It's just that they also want to do outings with only their grandchildren some of the time.

That's not what the ops grandparents are doing they do treat them equally when they are together. This is about the sil demanding the grandparents take out her children when they take out ops children. You sound well rounded with no high expectations a lot of people out there are not like you.

In this specific incidence SIL is in the wrong, none of her children were invited on the trip, she doesnt control your dc relationship with your own father , it would be different if the younger sibling was asked too.

Peraonally, Tbh this is why if DH and i were to split i wouldn't enter a LTR until the DC are adults, this situations can be very difficult to balance.

Exactly. And, in the example the OP gave about the air show, they hadn’t included any children of that family (including their own granddaughter) - they’d taken the OP’s son and her sister’s son. I’d have some sympathy with the SIL if she was saying that the GPs couldn’t just take her youngest DD and not her half siblings - but to impose that rule on all the cousins is out of order.

The SIL does actually get to say that the grandparents are behaving appallingly. If her husband disagrees the marriage may fail. So his choices may well be to let the SIL to dictate or the grandparents get access on his days.

I find it bizarre that you don't grasp this.

I find it bizarre that you don't understand that this woman does not get to dictate the time her in laws spend with their grandchildren.

If she wishes to refuse contact with her child and her husband agrees, so be it, that IS her choice and his.

But she certainly has zero entitlement to comment if her inlaws wish to spend time with their other grandchildren completely separately.
It is none of her business whatsoever.

What an utterly bizarre and entitled idea.

How is it appalling? The dd wasn’t taken either?

Losing a controlling spouse is no loss, so if his choices are between allowing her to dictate to him, and the marriage failing, going for the latter would be in his best interests tbh.

Jesus, I’m glad I’m not part of your family, in this situation I would be the stepchild and I have a wonderful relationship with my dads family. I may not be blood related but I’m definitely part of the family and in this situation I would hope my parents would make the same decisions that your SIL has made. Whilst it wasn’t your parent’s decision who your brother married, equally you are talking about a children who not only by the sounds of it has a shit father, but also has a shit step paternal family.

@RedToothBrush the SIL can only dictate for her own children.

she can’t police how the grandparents relate to her husbands nieces and nephews.

to be honest, in this situation I wouldn’t be blackmailed as the grandparent. Someone can’t marry into a family and start dictating every relationship.

if SIL doesn’t want the grandparents to see any of their grandchildren unless her children are involved she is in a hiding to nothing. She can only say she won’t let them see her daughter - but she has no control over the other children in the family.

unfortunately what will probably happen here is the grandparents won’t have much of a relationship with the little girl. Until The SIL and her spouse split up. Then the grandparents will have access to the granddaughter through their son and the older two children will likely only see that side of the family at the odd birthday party.

My cousin shared her opinion with me over people who divorce "Some people are addicted to divorce". If she can't be reasonable then divorce might be the only option. Ops brothers stepchildren will have to see who ever she has left in her family. She is only hurting herself her children will turn against her if they haven't already.

I think your sil is right. It's not nice to leave them out and make them feel like lesser relations.

She's advocating for her kids just as you would if yours were being treated unfairly.

Speaking from experience of you have this attitude towards your niece’s siblings she will resent the lot of you. She won’t care for anyone who doesn’t recognise her siblings as ‘real family’ and if she is taken out she would likely want her siblings there as other kids do. Fair enough step children not going with other grandkids but they should be invited to what their sister is

If you say so.

I don't think that will happen because she's coming from a place where she views it as protecting her kids and this is what the kids will grow up understanding. They won't know anything different.

If she divorces it will be a messy divorce and the child in the middle of that, won't be her first child, i'll be the shared child.

But is that not exactly the point: if she divorces the older children won’t be in the middle - because these aren’t their parents and grandparents?

unfortunately the older children have already been through a relationship breakdown. Their paternal family has rejected them and that is awful. There is a dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles out there who don’t bother with these children. Even their mothers family sounds a bit useless.

this step family can’t replace that. There is a high degree of probably this second marriage will also break down. In twenty years the older children will still feel the sting or rejection from their dad and their biological grandparents. Will they have higher exceptions from their mum’s second husband’s parents and siblings - probably not.

I think their mum wanted instant relationships to compensate for what they lost. But it takes years and years and years to build relationships - and you can’t force people to feel it.