Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

No one in my family would treat my stepdaughter the way you treat your SIL's children. It simply wouldn't occur to them to exclude her. My DSD also has a little brother (her mother's child with her second husband). He is not related by blood to me or my DH or anyone else in our family. But he is absolutely included in our family because ties of love and connection are more important than blood ties.

I completely understand your SIL's POV. She has put up with her children being treated as inferior for a long time. Enough is enough.

Please try reading the OP again. Slowly & carefully.

Are your sibling's DC brought along whenever your parents see your kids?

OP, I think you need to ask for this thread to be deleted and then re-write your OP as everyone (bar a few of us with actual reading comprehension skills) seems to think that this is a case of your parents taking out your brother's DC and leaving out his StepDC! They don't seem to have grasped that it's about when they see your DC!

Yes, in my family, bil is with sil who had two children from previous relationship. They were instantly welcomed and included on all activities 🤷🏻‍♀️

Both parents use the OP's parents for free childcare. However, only one of them is turning this into a weapon now it no longer saves them money.

The brother seems to have no problem using his parents for childcare given the recent update where he's left his toddler with them this morning while he goes to the gym. The SIL on the other hand has threatened to withdraw visits unless they take her older children out with the OP's children and cousins. Conveniently only becoming an issue now OP's parents aren't saving her money every week.

OP indicates the stepchildren are 12 and 10, give or take, and their little half sister is 3.5yo.

There is bugger all that 12yo boys and 3yo girls want to do at the same time to the same level. Obviously taking their granddaughter to soft play or something isn't a thing the stepkids can join in. They don't get on with the other grandchildren, so don't get invited along to outings for the sets of cousins.

That would be because they aren't cousins. They are their uncle's stepchildren.

The key is how your brother sees them. Does he treat them as his family? If they are his family, they are your family.

No, the key is how everyone else sees them individually. They may be the DBro's family; this does not make them OP's family.

DBro made the decision to take them into his family, the extended family didn't. If a family relationship develops, great.

I like my SIL very much. That doesn't make her my sister.
She likes me. She's got two sisters of her own, she doesn't regard me as one, she sees me as her DH's family. Rightly so. We still have a great time together.

It depends though whether that works for the family in question. It obviously works for you and your SIL but you're both adults and able to rationalise the relationship. If it's upsetting the children and undermining their core family unit, then this approach might not be working for the brother and SIL.

And if including the stepkids undermines the grandparent and grandchild relationships with their actual grandchildren because of tantrums and physical injury?
What about their right to have a stable relationship with each other? Or, like last year the other children's right to be included in their uncle's wedding, which they were excluded from because he had to go child-free to avoid disruption from the stepchildren.

The boy has meltdowns about sharing the OP's father's attention and gets aggressive, the girl injured OP's niece to the point her dad won't let her come over if stepkids are there.

Including them not a choice without a significant downsides for members of OP's family.

I couldn't even vote on this one, seeing both sides.

I do have one friend who solved this by planning one-on-one outings with both her natural grandchild and her two step-grandchildren. It may not be possible, in this case, but in hers, it did a world of good in making EACH child feel special and included. Sometimes, all were included, sometimes it was a single child.

Then the solution may unfortunately be to see less of each other to protect both families.

If it’s clearly not a new random child is it?

I get the impression a lot of commenters are not reading this right. Am I right to think that when step child and their step siblings are together they're treated same by OP parents but other grandchildren are taken out on trips etc away from that dynamic it's not like they are taking only the biological children in that family out these are other grandchildren. Not siblings of the step kids in question. I think it's perfectly normal Christmas if my mum n dad took out all the kids every time he'd have to take over 30 even if he had to narrow it down to age ranges just those between 10-12 would be 10 at a time you can't expect any grandparent to do it.

I'm reading the OPs attitude.

I don't find it pleasant nor healthy.

😂😂😂😂

OP’s grandparents have no interest in acting as grandparents to the SIL’s stepchildren. They’re kind when they see them, sure, but they’re not their grandchildren any more than their DIL is their daughter. This isn’t in any way unusual in blended families, whether you are familiar with, or approve of, it.

The brother it seems is quite happy for his family to have a relationship with his daughter, no matter the ultimatums his wife wants to level behind his back.

I posted a thread the op posted last year read it. Ops brother had to make adjustments at his wedding. All children on his side of the family was not invited because of the sil children they will get into fights with the other children. The bride invited her nieces and nephews and other children in her family. He didn't want his wedding day ruined with conflict. I do wonder how the ops sil is raising her children if they can't behave in public and struggle to share.

Oh get off your high horse. SHE is the one who is using her child, her H knew nothing about it (according to the OP). Why should I bring the man into it when this appears her doing and she has gone behind his back??

Now the free childcare has ended - SHE is the one sneakily saying she wont bring the granddaughter around unless the step GP;s include all of her kids. Very convenient timing

The sil needs to parent her children his family can't do that job for her. I had a neighbour like that she was trying to use me to bring up her only child alongside my 4 children. She told me she had anxiety why is that my problem??? I wasn't having any of it.

I can’t help wonder if SILs issue is actually with her own husband.

That he doesn’t see the kids as his. He may treat them well, but there may be a difference between how he treats his own daughter and the step kids.

Instead of tackling him she is trying to force the grandparents to treat them the same.

Blended families all work in different ways. No one would tell a step mother that she must treat her child and the step children exactly the same. But I wonder if the problem Sil has is that she expects her husband to actually be her kids Dad and that’s not for him.

There are many possible solutions here, but the problem seems to be that all parties are stuck with either this or that. What if SIL used the time the kids are with GF to spend some quality time with her older child? Take him somewhere special. Talk to him about how he feels being in this family? He's probably feeling sad to always have to share time with these kids he never got a say in living with. Or your son could spend some time getting to know this other child better, without his own kids wanting his attention. There are so many ways to use this as an opportunity to strengthen this family, but because everyone is angry about this one solution, creative thinking and problem solving have gone out the window.

@ChorltonCreamery

children have feelings and they need to learn how to manage them which is hard - even us as adults we can get it wrong so lets all be compassionate.

when a child misbehaved he needs clear boundaries, firm rules and a lot and lot and lots love.
NOT EXCLUSION. A child needs his family to know that whilst they ll will not tolerate a misbehaviour, they will always love said child unconditionally.

you and your family might like to think you are inclusive but you are not.

you have showed nothing but desdain for your not blood related niece and nephew.

honestly the more you post the more i m confirmed in my feelings that i would hate to know you so i hope i dont. But then again i am only friends with people who have values of love integrity inclusivity and who are intelligent people. Not you.

I was thinking along those lines. Step parents should embrace step children,but only in rare situations should they act as parents. It should NOTbe forced. This is common advide given to blended families. The relationship is often more like an aunt / uncle.

It follows that the same should go for step grandparents. They can be supportive, but it should NOT be assumed that there is a standard grandparent relationship.

The step grandkids aren't being excluded.

When they are all together, they are treated equally.

Grandparents might take OP's older kids out as a sibling set. That makes sense.

They might also take the toddler out without her preteen siblings. That makes sense.

It would be odd and creepy to take the step grandkids out separately, unless they have really developed a relationship with the grandparents, because they aren't their grandkids. They Mohr develop a grandparent relationship with time, but the worst thing that you could do is force it!

OP, your SIL does not get to dictate to your parents.
Blended familys do work differently.

When it comes to treating them the same when altogether and being warm and welcoming and including them in family gatherings and weddings and the like, I 100% agree they should be included.

But certainly not dictating to your parents their private choice to bring a couple of grandchildren on an outing.

That is batshit and hugely presumptuous.
I think your parents should hold the line and leave it to your brother to sort out.

Unfortunately the cold facts remain, should your brother split with his wife, would any of you see his step children again regularly?
Highly unlikely.

So on that basis whilst of course they need to be welcomed and included in all gatherings, it is not unbelievable that your parents wish to spend individual time with their grandchildren.

Blended family. SIL is right, your parents are wrong however much they'd like to see just their DGC. It's all GC or not at all, it's not fair on them. Sorry OP. BTW I have DSS, DSGC.