Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Yes but the blended family has every right to do what's right for the children who depend on them too. These children deserve to feel loved and validated regardless of who's blood they share it works both ways. The grandparents don't have automatic rights to any grandchild, they have to earn this by being decent grandparents and decent human beings

This one is hard. Your brother hasn’t adopted these older children and therefore they aren’t your parents grandchildren.

he and his wife can’t force your parents to change how they view family.

if the older boy has behavioural issues that makes it even harder for your parents to take care of him.

if the boy had two sets of involved grandparents then there would probably not be a big issue here - but your SIL wants your parents to step in and replace what the children have lost from their own grandparents.

What age are the older children?

i m pretty disgusted by your update. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt of a back story but actually you have none. The only reason is as you said “frankly not wanted”.
so for me you sound like a horrible family and I agree with your sister in law. I hate blackmail but she is right in the idea. They are a family and should be treated as such.

as an aunt and as grandparents you should model maturity, healthy relationships and inclusivity - and humility. You could be in that position in a few years, who knows.

YOU have to decide what kind of person you want to be and if thats the kind, your niece is better off without you in her life.

I’d assume grandad rotates triplets? And doesn’t always leave the same one behind?

There’s no evidence there aren’t decent human beings or decent grand parents.

They took 2 of their many children out. Non were siblings of the step grandchildren.

The mother of the step children wants her children included every time they do anything with any of their grandkids.

This. My family were under no obligation to accept my DSD as family. But if they had chosen not to, DH and I were under no obligation to maintain contact and allow a child of our family to be traumatised by inequality. The brother and SIL are protecting their children. ALL of them.

Myself and my DSDs stepdad have her inheriting equally in our wills, yes. Lots of families don’t give out money based on a DNA strand. Would you disinherit an adopted child?

The grandparents don't have automatic rights to any grandchild, they have to earn this by being decent grandparents and decent human beings

Providing free childcare excepted?

What do mean equally.

How you would you even ensure that?

Dsd inherits from mother, father, step mum and step father. So 2 sets of parents.

any kids that her mother and step father have only inherit from their parents.

Any kids you and her dad father have inherit only from their parents.

How can you make sure all the kids involved have an equal amount?

No, that's not it. SIL is inhappy that her DS has been excluded from an outing with step-cousins, boys of around the same age. His sisters didn't attend and neither did some other cousins.

Equally within our families. DSD inherits 50% or 33% or 25% etc of her Mum and SDs estate, same with ours. Neither family is done having children so can’t give exact numbers. We have the surviving spouse as sole benefactor, then the children of that family inherit equally when the second parent or stepparent dies.

Yes DSD will get more because this will happen twice for her and once for the others. That’s her reality. We believe she shouldn’t suffer financially because her parents were young and stupid and couldn’t live together. There is no 100% fair way to do it so we’ve gone for this and consider it a tiny compensation perhaps for the 50/50 childhood her siblings won’t have to have.

I think we need to a bit less inflammatory.

he hasn’t excluded his sons adopted son.

Relationships take time. A lot of people who form blended families think it is instant: that a grandparent should view a new half grown child the same way as their own grandchildren.

yea ofcourse adults should be kind and welcome to new children.

In my family an aunt got remarried and instantly had three new teenage step children. They refused to come to family gatherings (fair enough), they didn’t want to know any of us. My uncle gives very generous cash gifts at Christmas - they weren’t there at the Christmas weekend, had met my uncle once and yet their dad kicked off because his kids should have got a cheque like all the other cousins. My uncle laughed and said he didn’t even know which boy was which why would he give them £500 each for Christmas.

that couple have since split - I wouldn’t know my ‘cousin’ if he walked into this room now. My aunt didn’t speak to her brother for years because of the Christmas money issue.

Their kids, their rules.

That's the choice of the parents and grandparents and irrelevant to the point I'm making. My own PIL have sat my kid in front of the tv for an hour with some chocolate buttons babysat for us very occasionally. Sorry but I really don't think that gives them automatic access rights if they're being dickheads. For a start they take their other gc om days out/frequently have them over for the night/go on holiday with them/shower them with love that my own dd will only ever dream of. I do appreciate them keeping my daughter alive for a handful of hours in the 6 years she's been on this planet as I would any other babysitter but sorry it isn't going to make me respect them any more or feel in debt to them.

That's not what is going on her sil wants the GP to pick up her older children when they take out ops children. If I had a Dil like that I would emigrate quickly.
Quote:
"My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children."

@Youcantcallacatspider - two days a week free childcare for a three year old to save on nursery feed is nothing like your situation. SIL is punishing the toddler and her grandparents when she should be focusing on addressing her older children’s issues.

From the OP’s posts, the cousins don’t want to be with her son because he demands sole attention from their grandfather and tantrums when he doesn’t get it. He also hits them. Why would he be invited to a trip with them and their grandfather in that situation? That’s the consequence of his behaviour.

SIL’s daughter may be quiet but she also physically hurt DSis and BIL’s daughter to the point they won’t visit if she’s there.

All the children were excluded from a wedding to avoid singling out the SIL’s older two specifically.

Every child in the extended family is losing out. That’s only going to make them less likely to want to accept her older children, not more.

But isn’t her boy the same age as the cousin he took out? In this scenario, surely you would take all 3 boys and not leave one out.

I don’t think people are reading this right. OPs dad took her son and one nephew to an air show. Other grandchildren were excluded not just SILs older children. Isn’t that normal? My ILs take out their other grandchildren without my son, and my son without their other grandchildren and that’s fine and normal. Age differences for a start, not enough room in their car as well. SIL is being very strange and also needs to address her kids behavioural issues

it depends how well the grandparent knows the step child and whether he can manage the behaviour.

I don’t know the ages involved here. But imagine a grandfather who takes his 8 and ten year old grandsons away overnight every year. A new boy is introduced into the family - a step child with behavioural issues. Doesn’t grandpa now have to take an eight, ten and twelve year old away overnight when he isn’t nearly as. Familiar with the older boy and not able to manage outbursts? Does the family weekend become about managing this older boy’s behaviour?

If grandpa can’t cope with all three - especially the older boy - do the younger boys miss out on a bonding weekend with their grandpa because their uncle remarried a lady who has children?

as I said upthread, I technically had step cousins - I don’t think of them at all as family and don’t know them.

like it or not, step relatives don’t mean as much as adopted or blood relatives. People don’t research family trees to track down step cousins.

it’s lively if relationships develop and people become close - but you can’t force it.

My brother met a woman with 4 children. She was in a DV relationship her ex husband was in and out of prison but is not allowed near her or the children now. They are good kids considering what they have witnessed. His GF has her parents who dote on them and obviously their mothers love and support. She has never wanted or asked for anything from me or my mother.

Doesn't the op sil have family who can dote on them. They lost their dad and whatever family they had for someone else's family who isn't their own that's why they are angry and withdrawn. Where is her family or was she brought up in the care system? There's no mention of them and if she has no family she needs to talk about it rather than threatening and using children.

The GP's were taking out cousins.

NO SIBLINGS were taken out.

They did not go to SIL's house and take one child and not DSC.

Sorry, but I think it is completely unreasonable for anyone to expect GP's to include all grandchildren and step-grandchildren on all outings - which is effectively what SIL is demanding.

I feel sorry for the little girl who will end up alienated from extended family as there is no way that SIL's terms could be met - even if GP's wanted to.

Exactly @Newtt some are not getting that

Does the SIL and her blood related family take out the OPs kids on every outing they do? Answer I imagine is no. She needs to follow her own rules first before complaining about others.

Every single time there is a family type party, Christmas, summer barbecue etc EVERY child is treated the same. My parents have been excellent parents, my dad a bit absent as he was working a lot when we were younger. They are excellent grandparents and my father in particular always talks and pays attention to step-grandchildren, I think the fact that the step grandson wanting this relationship with him proves he is nice to him.

As unpalatable as this might be we do not consider them nephew/niece/grandchildren. Again unpalatable to many but my cousins’ kids are family.

My father took my son and my sister’s son to the airshow; I don’t necessarily think this was trigger for sister-in-law but ultimatum came once they no longer need childcare.

In addition to my brother’s toddler there are five other grandchildren and my other brother has one on the way.

All children are treated the same when in the house but there is no way these children would be included in separate trips. The dynamic would change and the actual grandchildren wouldn’t feel uniquely special.

Well as I began to type didn’t my brother turn up at my parents with toddler; Mum was out but it emerged that brother had no idea about the ultimatum. I don’t know where this will end but niece left with Dad while brother went to gym.

I have a lot of sympathy for the stepkids’ situation and I did concede that they were better at regulating their behaviour around my parents.

If sister-in-law had her way I don’t know how she would think that it was in my niece’s best interest.

People asked about my sister-in-law’s family. Widowed father who had partner at wedding but now single and one brother who lives in London.

Doesn’t sound like your brother agrees with SIL then. How did he respond when he found out?

And meh, let it be unpalatable for some. You’re under no obligation to pretend anything contrary to appease anyone else’s sensibilities.