Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

My comprehension isn't great as well and I am on the ops side. My excuse it's Friday. I re-read it again that's weird and very demanding. Fair enough if the GP are with her daughter and her older children no problem but to expect them to take out her older children when out with the ops children is bonkers. What kind of person did the ops brother marry?

I think there is probably a bigger back story here if SIL is prepared to take this action. It's incredibly damaging to children to be treated this way. Maybe she is seeing the damage it's doing to her kids and stopping it.

Even if they are with ops children?

But did they take out the grandson and the girls when they took out the other grandkids?

Because that is what OPs issue is. The GPs are not taking out their half siblings and excluding them. I would never expect my mum to take out my child when she takes out my brothers kids. Surprised this seems to be the expected from many people. I think it's incredibly entitled and manipulative of SIL.

That sounds very nice.

Just wondering though, for those saying they'd never leave a child out, what about when it comes to inheritance?

Do people think a parent should divide their assets equally between their children and step-children in a will? If a grandparent leaves something to a grandchild should they also leave the same to that child’s step-sibling?

How far does the not leaving out actually go? Because I think, for a lot of people, while they try to be as kind as they can day to day, there is probably a limit at some point.

@ChorltonCreamery OP I'm with you entirely. That's appalling behaviour using her DD as a weapon to blackmail her DD's grandparents with.
Do your DP have a long established and provable relationship with your niece? A few posters will jump on me and will try declaring this as false or "rubbish" but it's not -
If your parents do have what I asked and have plenty of evidence of it, then they can potentially take this matter to court.
Your parents really do need to have an abundance of evidence & proof that they have a long standing, strong & provable bond and strong, regular relationship with their Grandchild (and even better, some kind of written evidence of the blackmail ie: it being said in writing in a text or email). Even with all this, it may not be entirely as successful as your DP may hope. But there's definitely a chance and a family Solicitor would certainly send a letter to your SIL formally requesting visitation be reinstated and that if not, your parents will apply for permission (Leave) to apply for a Contact Order.

Regardless of whether your parents are right or wrong to see your DC without every other child & step child on both sides of the family being there(!), the Courts will take a very dim view of a mother using their child as a blackmailing weapon.

Proof of legal claims - www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/information/what-are-grandparents-rights/

@4andup Exactly. If only more people on this thread correctly understood the issue then OP would be getting more appropriate answers and advice.

Why are people so blind to the importance of inclusion in step families.

A lot of people have extremely limited experience of it!

There are currently no step parents or children among my grandparents generation, my parents, or my own, in either DH family or mine.

The only experience we have of blended families was when my uncle remarried & his wife had a daughter, shared custody with her dad. We all treated her the same as my uncle's other daughter, but in reality, when my uncle separated from that wife 3 years later, we never saw her daughter again. It was a relationship that existed solely due to the parents marriage, transient, non permanent. By contrast, we had always seen my actual blood cousin, despite my uncle being divorced from her mother.

You cannot force step children to be considered as the same as blood relatives.

@InterIgnis I agree, it's not their responsibility and that's why I can see both pov's. It's a hard one because forcing the GPs to take all the kids out and treat them the same could cause resentment on their part; but just taking the bio-grandkids will cause fractures in their relationship with OP's brother, SIL and all of the grandkids.

No DC myself but two DBs who have 2 DC each, with middle brother married to SIL with 2 older DC from her first marriage.

Step Niece & Nephew were usually always automatically included in family celebrations, events, Christmas etc and without a fuss being made about it.

Whilst there is quite an age gap between my middle brother's kids and step kids (step niece & nephew are mid 20s, nephews are 19 & 16) and my youngest brother's kids (5 and almost 3) so this wouldn't really have been a scenario that would ever have occurred, I can't imagine my SIL ever demanding this of my parents.

I can understand wanting all kids within your own household to be treated equally but I think it's very entitled to demand that this extends to time the GPs spend with the cousins.

Good for her. I will never forget how my niece was made to feel by her little brother's grandparents. They would openly hand sweets and presents only to him in front of her- knowing she had no relationship with her father's side at all. It isn't hard to include all of the kids, and you begrudge doing that then maybe the kids would be better off without you until you can be a decent human.

She is protecting her children and she and your brother are treating all the children of their family equally. Good for them. Your parents sound awful. My DSD is every bit my parents granddaughter and my husband and I would never have accepted anything other than this. Siblings being treated unequally can destroy mental health well into adulthood.

That's sociopathic. I cannot imagine being so callous toward a child.

I wonder whether this is the exact issue that the SIL is rightfully trying to avoid. I do feel she's using a hammer to crack a nut though.

So true!

you’re all being SO cruel. Those poor kids

This is ops quote "My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children."

Do your parents take out all their grandchildren when they go out? I've never heard of it myself sounds like a lot of hard work and traveling to pick up all grandchildren.

OP you and your mum are very mean. Of course you should take step son also. Poor boy. Its horrible to left the boy out, no matter how naughty he is. He is probably behaving like that because he feels rejected, jealous and got some trauma or something.

The ones from the same family is what is being discussed here. It’s different not picking up 4 sets of cousins or whatever, all on the same day, but would you seriously think it was ok for a grandparent or any relative to take 2/3 or 1/3 children from your household for a day out and leave one behind?

That's not what's happening here her sil is imposing herself. I have respect for myself I wouldn't expect my parents to pick up my children when they pick up my brother's that's unreasonable.

Glad you weren’t part of my stepmothers family. They opened their hearts and arms to us lowly step kids.

@adviceneeded1990 That is NOT what is being discussed here. Read the OP again. Carefully

Oh gross. What if a child was adopted instead of “blood”? Would that matter too?

However painful this is for your parents, this is 100% on their son whom has brought this drama into the family.

Her children dont have birth father involvement and she is trying to cover for that.

Accept it or leave it are their choices.

It is on their son to solve.

But the step children are nothing to your parents. It’s totally different wanting to spend time with your own flesh and blood, than also having to care for some random children who you have no emotional or physical connection with. Supposedly your sil expects her older children to be considered in your parents’ will too? Madness…

I agree.

The ones from the same family is what is being discussed here. It’s different not picking up 4 sets of cousins or whatever, all on the same day, but would you seriously think it was ok for a grandparent or any relative to take 2/3 or 1/3 children from your household for a day out and leave one behind?

Yes.
I have friends with triplets.
The grandad wouldn't be able to cope with them all at once, but their parents are really appreciative of the Grandfather taking one child out when he can, both as it eases things at home, and also gives one child a special 1:1 time with Grandad.
I think that's perfectly reasonable.

On this thread, the Grandfather is taking 2 of his grandchildren to something, which, I think we can reasonably assume is something they'd be interested in, and that those 2 get one and will behave for him and be manageable for him. Any parent would be cutting off their nose to spite their face if they didn't let a Grandparent do that. You just spin it for the child at home that you can do something special with them.