Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

That is terribly sad . I actually felt really emotional reading your post
Honestly, my children are not at that stage yet.
However, if my children got involved with someone who already had kids I would regard those kids as my grandchildren and they would be treated accordingly.
It wouldn’t matter whether they had other grandparents or not. In fact I would see it as an honour to have extra grandchildren . The more the merrier
I actually would judge an individual who did not treat children equally. I would regard them as unkind

Your bio grandparents are let off because they weren't around? What relationship did your mum have with her family? Did you see your father and his family?

Just as well you aren’t required to agree with me then, isn’t it?

She was an in law to them, not a grandchild and they weren’t obliged to pretend otherwise.

Are you saying the parents should have bought her extra presents to make up from none from the grandparents? I imagine if the grandparents had that attitude towards present giving, their general attitude towards said child was probably lacking aswell. Children definitely pick up on that. It isn’t nice.

They didn’t leave one child out, they didn’t take their DGD either (half sister of DSGC).

But I wouldn’t expect my dgc to be treated as anyone’s flesh and blood relations. Why would I ?

Maybe because we all are ? From a genetic point of view it makes sense to spread the gene pool a bit further, but in reality we really aren't that far removed from our ancestors. Regardless of whatever Tribalism you choose to follow !

I suspect you are the type to not love an adopted grandchild. Because DNA
God forbid any of your children have fertility issues.

So from reading your previous posts op. Sils previous relationship was abusive and she left that relationship with her two children. So those children have been through significant trauma. And going from your post here, your family have become extremely important to SILs children and they become upset and distressed when they are left out of things.

And you and your in laws want to leave them out of things and focus only on your brothers biological child.

I'm not sure I understand. You're adults, you don't choose what children come into your family - your brother does that either by having children biologically or marrying and becoming a blended family. It's like saying that because someone decides to adopt a child you won't bother with them because they're not a blood relative. I think it's pretty heartless to treat young children like that.

These children it sounds like are being 'shittyily behaved' because they've experienced trauma. They need to be supported, valued and treated consistently the same to help them recover from that.

Ultimately if I was your brother I'd massively fall out with you all if you treated children that I took on as my own the way you have been.

"It is ironic that her elder children don’t have a relationship with their father’s family and she wants this fate for my niece as well."

Is it really ironic given that her ex was abusive and she had to take steps to safeguard her children? And now she wants to do what she can to have them involved in the family she married into. Shame on you op. She's doing the little that she can to try and secure a loving and inclusive family for her children. I can't blame her one bit.

I’m saying the parents should have planned Christmas a lot better for their dc.

For sure the DGPs were thoughtless and mean for giving so many presents in front of the poster but it’s the parents who bear the greater responsibility for allowing their daughter to be given a pair of knickers.

Tbh it's not about one child still having 'their' grandparents. The other grandparents should include the other child too. It's not about who 'owns' the grandkids. It's about being part of a family unit.

All of this
I agree, shame on Op and her parents

Agree with most others, it's a fair boundary to at least give the step siblings the option to be included!
I didn't have grandparents growing up, and I have really clear memories of the 2 grandmas of my 2 closest childhood friends who would always bring me sweets/other small gifts when they were visiting my friends and knew I would be there too - the same gift they'd bring for me friends and their siblings. I wasn't close to these friends on a sibling-like level and there was no reason for me to get special treatment (I had a two parent home for example) but I still remember how pleased I was to be included. Treating step siblings differently is bound to cause problems and the kids' parents are the ones who have to deal with any fallout.

There is something rather nasty about SIL's ultimatum to the grandparents: do what I say or you'll never see your grandchildren again. Is that the way to deal with loving grandparents? And to even think of depriving
the children of their GP,s is cruel.

Perhaps the GPs feel they can't handle the stepson - after all his own mother can't. Perhaps they feel their GC need a break from an aggressive somewhat disturbed child. Does the boy bully or hurt the younger ones? Does he need attention all the time? Perhaps the GPs aren't horrible and mean but afraid for the little.ones.
I think the husband should tell his bullying wife where to stick her ultimatum and start watching his kids more carefully

That's great from your dad, but he chose to be a step dad. Might be harder for the grandparents as it wasn't something they planned or necessarily agree with. But they should make every effort to include all if possible

Does the step grandchild have grandparents from their mother (the sil) or anyone from the mother’s family? If so the same rule applies - her parents/family must take the stepsibling out as well. Let them follow their own ideas first. It’s quite straightforward that your parents focus on their grandchildren. Is the sil expecting her child to be in your parents will? Sorry to bring this up but her pushy behaviour makes me think of this.

There’s no ‘should’ about it - you can’t demand that other people consider your unrelated children to be their grandchildren. They may choose to and that’s fine, but equally they may choose not to and that’s also fine.

Who said they aren’t family? They are - in laws. These children aren’t grandchildren anymore than a SIL is your sister or a MIL your mother.

Quote from op "None of us have ever been rude to a child ever, the two oldest children have been included at Christmas. When they are present they are treated the same, board games etc."

If her sil wants them to be more included on other occasions she needs to take into consideration their age. How old are the ops parents and do they have the energy. If they have been a handful because of trauma do they have the energy and are they equipped to deal with them if they did play up. They're not spring chickens anymore with endless energy.

He probably just wants a quiet life

My elder sister married a man who had 2 DD’s from his first marriage, they have a DS together, my parents live abroad but when they go to the US to visit them they but gifts for all kids and take them out etc. They do not differentiate between the grandkids. The step kids stay with my sis half of the time and rest with their own mum. I can’t imagine my parents taking out only their grandson and leaving the girls behind, they would be appalled at the idea! Their thought is always more kids so more of em to love!

Difficult, but neither side is right or wrong.

Are you feeling ok? Blackmail & using a child as a weapon is not wrong?!

So if OP's DF wants to spend time with OP's DC, then OP's brother's partner's DC have to be there? Huh?
If you have a DC and a sibling, are you saying that every time your parents spend time with your sibling's DC, that your own DC have to be there?!? That makes no sense

I would put money on there being a back story of accidentally being hurtful. Families can be very blind to their own behaviour. It is quite naive for the grandparents to think they can disregard some children in a family and there not be issues.

You and many other posters on this thread, have misread the OP. The SIL is OP's brother's wife. She is saying this when OP's parents spend time with OP's DC.....! Think about it slowly.....

The SC are not being rejected. They are included at christmas etc but you can't expect extended family to magic up emotions towards children they bear no relation to.

On these threads it's usually the mothers who want a new husband to sub in for their elder children's absent/deadbeat father & his family, & create the "perfect" nuclear family.

The feelings of rejection anger at the step family are unfair/misdirected. The people they should be angry at are the biological dad.

. It is quite naive for the grandparents to think they can disregard some children in a family and there not be issue

But they aren't these children's grandparents. These kids have their own grandparents