Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

I'm sorry, I'm getting kids mixed up in my head. Your brother has a son from a previous relationship (the nephew) his new partner has a son with another man, and they now have a baby together, your niece. She has now said that your niece can not go to any family events, unless her son, who lives there fulltime is also invited to go, and you would prefer not to because his behaviour is difficult?

So should taxpayers be forced to provide support for people who aren't their "flesh and blood" ??? Why should any of us care about the welfare of those not closely linked by DNA??

The decent person does what they can for children, particularly disadvantaged children, in their circle.

100% agree with SIL and good for her for standing up for her children and protecting them from people who want to leave them out of their own family simply because they’re not blood relatives. Your SIL’s older children should be treated exactly the same as the younger child. They are a family. That’s how blended families work.

Your parents sound awful. Really cold hearted and cruel. No wonder the older child has some behavior issues if he’s treated like this 😞

I think that your SIL is being more than fair. She's set her boundaries and allowed you all to make the choice of how you want to proceed with this. I'd have just cut you all off.

I agree with the above poster that said your dislike of SIL and her children just emanates from your post. I think you and your family are disgusting to be frank. You all sound seriously nasty 🤢

My experience with this is that my eldest son was treated exactly the same by the new grandparents. He had 6 grandparents and was really loved and never felt left out. I can't imagine why anyone would behave differently towards children tbh.

Agree with this. Reading your post, you can really feel your hatred of SIL and her poor children.

The op has said his behaviour has greatly improved.

I think he should be included and not grudgingly but with a good grace. It's not his fault that he doesn't have a proper dad and any child will act out if they know they are not welcome, they pick up on attitudes.

I wonder how the grandparents would be if any of their grandchildren were adopted? It's not that much different. However at least the boy in question has his mum.

They’re not exactly the same as the younger children. They’re not being ‘left out of their own family’ - they’re not being treated as grandchildren because they’re not grandchildren any more than your mother in law is your mother.

Do they need to care that you don’t consider them to be decent?

No, whether you personally approve or not they’re not obliged to pretend to be grandparents to these children.

Yes I realised they aren't blood relations. It is naive of the grandparents of half the blended family is to expect that blended family to split to enable them to have individual interaction. Its obviously uncomfortable for that blended family to the point that they don't want to be around the partial grandparents unless those partial grandparents make more of an effort. Not something I have personal experience of but I know grandparents playing any sort of favourites game is massively irritating and seeing children hurt by that quickly makes you loose respect for the adults causing the upset.

I think the idea of excluding step kids from extended family stuff is horrible. I can't imagine anyone in my rather large extended family ever considering such a thing. Once a family member marries the kids of the new spouse are included as family members too.

Now - if there are kids in the family, biologically related or not, who have behaviour or other issues that make being with them a serious problem, it might be the case that the child will not always be included in everything. We have one teen in our extended family that has always had to be left out of certain kinds of things because she is severely autistic. She's included when it's possible and enjoyable for her. When she won't like it, she isn't. And in some cases her parents do things without her for their own selves, and her brother growing up was also at times taken to do his own thing because it tends to be all about the sister when she is there. So he needed his own spaces as well.

But if the grandparents have been regularly trying to not include a step child because "not our blood" than they should not be surprised if the whole family does not come to see them.

It's not the splitting of the immediate blended family that is the issue though.

I think some people have misunderstood OP's example.

Three siblings A, B and C, all with children.
A is OP who has children.
C is her sister, children the ssme age.
B is her brother, two step children, a boy and girl, also much the same age, plus a younger daughter.

OP's dad took OP's son and her sister's son on an outing.

B's stepson wasn't included. Nor were his sisters or other cousins. But the boy cousins went and that's the issue.

SIL ( his mum) now says grandparents can't see their granddaughter unless her son is included in everything. (Grandparents were looking after granddaughter twice a week until very recently so close bond.) Not just stuff with the nuclear family, which hasn't been mentioned as a problem at all, but outings with cousins to be inclusive. Also relevant is the fact the child to be included has behavioural issues.

While I feel it would be good to include the child on outings I think it's a bit much to be so demanding. B and SIL need to talk to the grandparents and perhaps offer to accompany grandad to facilitate these outings if they want them to happen.

Oh I see, is it that the SIL and BIL feel like there is a favourite set of grandchildren who get treated to more opportunities and attention? I think this is a common and potentially hurtful situation. It is strong to issue ultimatums and not something I would start with myself. Is this the first time the issue has come up? I agree the children's behavioural issues do need to be considered. Also have a long look at whether favouritism is featuring and try to come together to address the issue without further harm being done and what could have caused this issue. SIL and BIL can and may well follow through on their proposal. Whether we think that is reasonable or not. Once you start feeling like family members cannot be trusted with your children's feelings a lot changes. Whether they need to be involved depends on whether they are consulted. If for example the grandparents have taken most but not all of the cousins to a theme park without any prior warning just letting the kids find out later I would be upset if I was SIL

I think talking things through would be a lot more helpful than issuing ultimatums tbh @CountryCob.

I can see why the ultimatum approach could feel like blackmail from the grandparents' point of view and they may be wondering why SIL and their son aren't considering their youngest daughter's feelings (as she probably has a bond with grandparents from the childcare they did).
If they've been helping out twice a week and so involved I can see why this is hurtful. It's feels like all that help is disregarded now.

I can also see why SIL wants her son included, but I just don't think she's taken the right approach. Something could have been worked out. One parent may need to attend outings if grandad can't handle 3 kids. I have a DC with mh issues and grandparents would not be able to take them without me or DH being there too. OP mentioned meltdowns and that's something that needs to be taken into account.

Your SIL is a stone cold bitch, OP.

She took free childcare for her toddler twice a week. Now that she doesn’t need the childcare (OP says child is starting at a new nursery) she’s issuing ultimata and threatening to keep the little girl away from
grandparents she’s used to seeing all the time?

SIL wants the OP’s parents to take her older children out when they take their actual grandchildren from the other two siblings’ families! (OP and get sister’s children) That’s insane.

This isn’t the cruel Dickensian fantasy some posters are blithering on about where grandparents take the 3.5yo out and leave her half siblings behind.

OP clarifies the step children are included in birthdays and Christmas, given gifts, treated well and played with.

In return they have been violent and had meltdowns to the point BIL won’t let his children visit their grandparents if the stepchildren are there.

They behave so badly the OP’s younger brother excluded all his siblings’ children (OP’s kids, OP’s sister’s kids, and the toddler of the brother and SIL) from his wedding to avoid offending his brother and SIL by not inviting her older two.

Your SIL and brother need to be getting help for their older two, not trying to force them onto your parents, OP.

They are punishing a 3.5yo and her grandparents. Grandparents who are already kind to the stepchildren.

If for example the grandparents have taken most but not all of the cousins to a theme park without any prior warning just letting the kids find out later I would be upset if I was SIL

Sure, but upset 'we need to talk about this as feelings have been hurt and we'd like to avoid that in future'
would be better than upset 'I'll take away your granddaughter if you don't include DS in every extended family activity starting now', his behaviour being presumably irrelevant?

@ChorltonCreamery First off, my feeling is that your parents' feelings are secondary here.

Also, there is a reason that your SIL has told them that her other children from her first marriage must be included in activities. I'm guessing your parents previously excluding them??

This is a situation where everyone needs to understand and include everyone, not make special little spaces for the special kids. I say this as a someone who was once a stepchild and treated like a second rate thing.

Here's another point of view... my son's wife has a nine year old son from a previous relationship, and they have my 4 year old granddaughter together. From the start we tried to be extra family to the boy and initially he constantly asked to stay over at ours or go places with us. But my DIL would never allow it due to her embarrassment with his behaviour. I hasten to add it was HER saying that... I had no issue at all with him... he was 3 1/2 when we first knew him, just a little boy and that was what he was being. I never thought he was particularly badly behaved. But he, despite him still asking, has NEVER been allowed to do anything with us. So as a result he is always excluded when we take out our granddaughter. My DIL'S doing, not ours. But at birthdays and Christmases etc we always do our best to get him what he wants, and if our granddaughter gets a little pocket money or sweets, we always send the same home for him. But we're not going to restrict what we do with our granddaughter. It's not our doing that there's a divide. We've tried our best. But I have a sneaky suspicion that it may be my DIL'S parents who don't want us muscling in on THEIR grandson. They are definitely the jealous type and I can see our being kept from him may well be their instigating. I do think step grandchildren should absolutely be included, but not all the time. There can't ever be the same bond. We would always have wanted some alone time with our granddaughter, but had we been allowed would have included her brother if the outing was suitable for both ages. The SIL in this case is coming on way too strong. She should ASK that her older children be included SOMETIMES, but it's very wrong of her to make threats in such a manner. Nasty and unnecessary.

Honestly? Just call agree, call her bluff on it and pull the plug on any family outings for the time being. Stick yo the holiday status quo, etc… When SHE wants babysitting, your parents should let them know that they don’t like the kids being used as blackmail and they should refuse. It’s a two way street. Come to an agreement that’s FLEXIBLE that allows for some inclusion of stepkids if appropriate, but not all invitations.

I am really surprised at some of the responses above.

SiL is being unreasonable - if your brother had two or more children of his own, your parents wouldn't always do something with all 4+ children - doing things with your children and his children separately would be completely normal - and partly bound up with their relationship with you/your brother.

to say they couldn't go things with her daughter without the stepson would be reasonable - and maybe being miffed if your children were being treated to extravagant trips and theirs a trip tot the local park - but there's enough grumbles on here about different sets of grandchildren being treated differently.

Absolutely agree.
I’m a middle aged now. I remember my stepfather’s family doing this on me. They’d take out my step siblings out, buy them Xmas gifts, have them over for a visit while we waited in the car and it had a big effect on me as a kid.

@ChorltonCreamery Your parents sound vindictive leaving out a kid like that. I agree with your SIL. I’m glad she’s sticking up for her kid. She shouldn’t need to. And you brother should have something to say and not leave it all up to your SIL to say. Your parents should be kind to this child and accepting of your brother’s family.

I’m here to say the same. Your tone is sneering about this lady who is trying to do the best for her kids, and to be honest you and your parents sound like peas in a pod. the idea that grandparents don’t have enough room in their heart for two more children is deeply saddening. It’s not like they have a brood of ten to think about already. Your posts sound like you look down on them because of their behaviour. Good for her for sticking up for her kids.

@Nosleepforthismum I’ll join you on team SIL too. Well said by the way. At the end of the day they are just kids and wouldn’t really understand why they are being kept on the outside and treated as not being part of the family. It would be very hurtful to them and I personally couldn’t treat children like that.

@ChorltonCreamery If you want to alienate your brother and his child, keep excluding his step kids and hating on his wife.

OP my situation is a bit different and I won't bore you with the details. However, I absolutely know what it feels like for grandparents to favour one set of grandchildren over my own. Tbh in my situation I'm not going to fight for a relationship that my in-laws have made it obvious they don't want. I'm not going to passively play roulette with my daighter's emotions and let my already traumatised dd be even more damaged by their pathetic weakness and callousness.

We maintain a superficial relationship
but that's it. My dd will eventually realise that they favour each other over her massively. I can'
t avoid this but hopefully she'll realise that I shielded her from it as much as I could and that the love myself and dh have for her is more than enough

None of you are obliged to have any time or affection for any of SIL's kids if you don't want. However, SIL and Brother aren't obliged to waste time on anyone who they don't feel is bringing love and positivity to the lives of all the kids they're raising either. Their priority is all of their children not just the ones you prioritise. Your parents need to accept that and decide where that leaves them. Tbh you probably need to butt out a bit. It's really easy to criticise when it isn't your own children being snubbed...

FWIW I don’t see it as blackmail to limit contact with her child who is biologically related to you and your parents. She is protecting this child from the damaging impact of being favoured over her half siblings and the bad influence it could have.

When two people choose to blend their families it doesn’t always automatically follow that their extended families will want to/be able to blend. Your SIL is being unreasonable (and ungrateful considering your parents provided free childcare). Moreover her violent child is reason enough for your parents and the cousins not to want to spend lots of time with him. The bigger problem is your brother who is basically enabling her ridiculous behavior. He should be advocating for and insisting his daughter has a relationship with her grandparents. It’s easier to blame her but the real conversation needs to happen with your brother.