Sister-in-law’s ultimatum to parents

[ChorltonCreamery]

My parents but especially my mother are incredibly upset.

My sister-in-law has told them they will not be able to see her three and a half year old daughter unless her older children from her first marriage are included in stuff that they do with our children.

So Essentially if my dad takes my son and nephew out without brother’s stepson they won’t see my niece.

I posted before about the impact my brother’s stepchildren have had on my family.

They see their own father rarely.

In all honesty the stepson’s behaviour has improved in the last few months but I think this is the most terrible blackmail.

My brother won’t say anything.

Your brother and SIL have a point.

Excluding children is very unkind and will be more noticeable as their daughter becomes older.

If any of my dc get into a new relationship with ppl with children, that’s fine. However these children are not my dgc and will not be treated the same. Obviously I’d buy token gifts for them at Xmas and birthdays but not much more.
I’d certainly not be taking them on holiday with me or similar. They’ve got their own grandparents to do this stuff.

Really unkind to exclude a step-child. Everyone has to adapt in a blended family, including the grandparents.

If any of my dc get into a new relationship with ppl with children, that’s fine. However these children are not my dgc and will not be treated the same. Obviously I’d buy token gifts for them at Xmas and birthdays but not much more.

And if you got run over by a bus tomorrow, you would be happy for your dgc to be treated the same way by other grandparents, or would you expect special treatment for them because you were no longer there to give them preferential treatment ?

No they don’t. They didn’t choose to date or marry or live with someone with other children. They have no legal and barely a moral obligation.

You decide to date marry love a person with children that are not yours. Nobody else in your family did.

You are only a child once.
Don't exclude them.
It's hurtful.

But they’d be horribly unkind to exclude a stepchild that’s part of a blended family through no fault of their own. I can’t imagine nice grandparents doing this.

It’s shitty that their behaviour is used as an excuse not to involve them. Isn’t the best way to help their behaviour to include them, set a good example and be nice?

I was that child. Despite my step father being in my life since I was 2...I had to sit with my sisters and 'their' grandparents on Xmas day and watch them both open 10+ presents each, all expensive toys. Whilst through embarassment I tried to hide the random pair of (inappropriate) lacy knickers I opened as my gift. I was 11 and it was the day I realised I would never be part of the family.

I remember it like it was yesterday, I never forgave any of them.

I understand your point and the point of view of you're mum and dad here but try and see it from the pov of your SIL. Her older kids have no real father or presumably grandparent presence and are seeing their younger brother and sister get 'preferential' treatment. This will of course upset them and will have ramifications as all of the kids get older. Personally, I've been the step-grandkid in this situation, treated as such and heard how I wasn't 'real' family from my step-grandparents. It really hurts. Just be kind and treat all the kids the same and encourage your parents to do the same

But they haven’t excluded him alone have they. They took out other grandchildren. Not his siblings. And then he attacked one!!

Even if they where all biologically mine a child who attacks others wouldn’t be my highest priority.

Ops said they go to whole family events, or they are made child free because of the behaviour of those child.

The sil is over egging her pudding expecting her aggressive violent child to be invited on days out and sleepovers.

What a sad thread all round. It's not the kids fault 😞

Get their mum to get them to behave or black mail their actual grandparents… no wait that’s too hard.

Obviously I’d not be here in that scenario, but I’d trust my dc to monitor any such arrangements.
But I wouldn’t expect my dgc to be treated as anyone’s flesh and blood relations. Why would I?

Did you have grandparents on your bio mother's and father's side? Did they not get you anything? It's okay to feel jealous but I think your hurt is misplaced.

I don’t think her hurt is misplaced. That’s a horrible way to be treated as a child.

Who says they’ll have a problem with the grandparents not considering their half siblings to be their grandchildren? Sure, some may, but equally some won’t. Who ‘they really are’ is not the grandparents of the older children, no matter how much anyone would like to pretend otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️

And who said anything about superior? I said they’re different - they are.

Not sure how it’s ’kind’ to tell kids that they have grandparents, when said grandparents are only pretending in order to have a relationship with their actual loved grandchildren. That’s guaranteed to work out great(!)

Then she needs to take it up with her actual grandparents, not people that weren’t.

Her parents should have compensated so she didn't feel left out.

The SIL is trying to force her in laws to make up for her children’s actual grandparents not being involved. As hurt as she is that her older children don’t have that, that isn’t the fault of her in laws and it’s not their responsibility to make up for anyone else’s perceived failings.

But they haven’t excluded him alone have they. They took out other grandchildren. Not his siblings. And then he attacked one!!

Would love to hear this scenario from both sides, especially after the my little Prince was attacked by a rabid toddler thread recently, where the child suffered tiny superficial scratches and was photographed munching on his sandwich, so deep was the trauma !
As I mentioned I have seen siblings take absolute chucks out of each other, and parents dismiss this as part and parcel of family life, add in someone who isn't blood related and all hell breaks loose !

Hard disagree. There’s no excuse for being made to feel an unloved outsider when you’re an 11 year old child at Christmas. If you’re close enough to be at this family’s Christmas, you should be included.

No doubt if the grand parents discipline the step-son for violent behaviour, their DIL will be crying ‘my little Prince’.

Grandparents can’t win.

Why no blame on the parents? Why just the grandparents?

This is horrible. I agree with your SIL. These are children not toys. You cant leave one child out. Your SIL is protecting all her kids here. I hope your brother stands by her to on this.

DH has a niece who isn't biologically his niece but has been part of his family since a baby. She is now an adult. She is treated the same by MIL as her other grandkids and she is treated the same by DH and most of the rest of the his family. This is despite his nieces mum and dad's marriage ending years ago. She is and will always be our niece and a part of the family.