To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

To add , much of SH is now mid market rent; you must be employed and meet the affordability checks, it is NOT for low income.
I'm pretty shocked at the amount of PPs with no knowledge of how SH works yet spout utter nonsense.

Unless you are Central London, £65k is a massive wage for one earner, more than double the UK average.

I agree that there shouldn’t be an entitlement because people have “reproduced beyond their means” but surely the people who are earning well should use less of things like social housing and HA properties so we can help people more in need?

Going by your argument, why should I pay more tax on £60K than someone does on £20K? Not my fault I was a self supporting tax payer and worked hard to get there and my tax deductions definitely make my life less easy!

It maybe depends where you live - I know several people in HA properties and all are either in receipt of UC or working minimum wage positions. It is 100% not a mid-market rent where I live either. I have a relative in a 3 bed semi HA property paying less in rent than my brother is on a one bed flat private let.

When people are "in need" because of their own poor choices, I really don't have much sympathy. Why should a productive taxpayer get the short end of the stick so that people making anti-social life choices can be more comfortable? HA isn't charity.

I don't think hers is a "massive wage" at all.

why should people give up a secure tenancy for a private rent? Where I live a 3 bed council house ( with drive and garden ) is£120 a week ……a private rent is minimum £900 a month for an ex council property ( just looked on rightmove. So the council tenant is going to have to earn at least £400 more a month to even break even ….then there’s the upheaval of finding a new home….maybe moving the kids school and new uniforms etc…..finding a deposit/bond ( there’s no deposits with council houses) and the expense of moving as well as having to leave a home that you’ve decorated to your liking and put flooring down ( council properties come with no flooring) and spent time on the garden and really made into a home ….,all those extra costs to move into a house with no security….. no one is going to feel motivated to improve their prospects if this was the case…..might as well stay on benefits…..might as well stay in a MW job…..at least then get to keep their home……then those people won’t be paying more tax and more and more NI.
65k is a good wage….not massive, but good….but when you are on your own it’s not that great if you looking at buying a house,

Why would someone give up a secure tenancy? Well, personally I couldn’t imagine giving up residency of my child to a dad who seemingly isn’t that interested in the child. I would give up a secure tenancy if it meant continued minimum 50-50 care of my child.

She likely won’t be able to do this without being have secure housing…..and will need a mutual exchange

On 65k a year, in low cost social housing that some people are absolutely desperately in need of and begrudging paying CM? Yeah, sorry, not got much sympathy here, YABVU

One of my DB's met my SIL 20 years ago. She's 15 years his senior and he was a 20 year old student at the time. She was separated from first husband, with 2 primary aged kids. SIL's ex claimed to be "self employed" and then "unemployed" for the next 14 or so years, cried poverty and got out of paying any maintenance for both kids. DB helped support them, plus my 2 nephews who came along later.

For a period of about 1 year when step niece was about 15 with the teenage attitude and bad behaviour to boot, she threw a strop and went to live with her Dad. Despite him never having paid a penny and owing a considerable amount of backpay, and him paying nothing towards the care of his son who was still at home with DB and SIL, he wasted no time getting his CSA claim in and they had to pay him a fair amount each month. It did stick in their craw and just shows how broken the system is when non-resident parents can dodge paying for their own children, but it's how it works

At least you know your son will be well provided for when he's at his Dad's.

Nope, it’s nothing to do with attitude.

I don’t think someone in London on £65k is particularly well paid, particularly if they have to pay rent and cover childcare costs.

I can completely see why this is so galling. He’s basically dodged paying a fair share all those years by earning very little, paying very little and doing little childcare while you’ve done the lion’s share.

However, in this situation, I think it is morally the right thing to pay what the CMS says is due. That’s what he did, right??

Just make sure you’re topping up those occupational pension contributions. That is good financial planning as I am sure you probably lost pension contributions and accrued benefits when your son was young and very dependent. Any decent pension adviser would advise you to pay as much into yr pension as you could, to make up for this shortfall.

Make sure you are VERY mindful of the child benefit situation too. This can be pretty complicated in separated households. If you are the claimant, you would now get to keep a higher proportion of CB than in the past, as the thresholds have been altered, and if he takes over the claim then you could find yourself without CB payments coming in but with last year’s high income child benefit charge to settle with HMRC.

It would be doubly galling if you’ve been consciensciouslt repaying the HICBC for years, only for him to take over the claim and get to keep it all because of a tax rule change ( unless of course his resident partner is a high earner bringing in £80k plus in which case he would have to pay it all back anyway ;)

65k and paying rent and childcare in London is not doable unless you are in a one-bed flat, and get some help with childcare costs from the state.

take-home on 65k after pension contribs is somewhere around £3.7k. One bed flat is at least 1.2k pcm in more distant parts of London. Transport around £70per month presuming two days in office per week. Full time unsubsidised childcare would eat up at least £1.5k of the remainder per month. There wouldn’t be loads left for council tax, essentials, food, utilities and fun money.

if you’re two people each earning £35k and each having one or more non working days that is very different -lower marginal tax, lower childcare costs etc.

Very wise, ignore the people making irrelevant comment about your housing costs

Also you would be absolutely mad to give up secure, safe, suitable social housing. Like, bananas. Not only do you have lower rent , you also have security of tenure and no worries about huge unexpected maintenance costs like a new roof or boiler or whatever. Hang on to it for dear life.

Usually, I would agree. I don’t believe OP should give up her secure housing simply due to her salary. This, however, is quite a unique situation and there is no way I’d allow my child to live with their father full-time when he has previously not shown himself to be a good parent.

Focus on the payment going towards your child , will hopefully.
This crap of non payments happens to plenty of parents.
Your son may yet return to you full time.

CMS is after pension. So it's worth increasing your contributions.

Do you think his dad will use the money for him?

If not, and you're going to be providing for your son anyway, I'd do this.

Also I think they will start with your last tax return so it may be a while before he clocks your new salary.

Teenage boys can eat an unreal amount of food so you would easily be spending £300 ish a month on food for him so think of the maintenance as that. School lunches and uniform and any other school costs can be paid for his dad as he's there during the week.

£65k will still feel like a lot and you'll still be able to save even with this. definitely do not give up your secure accommodation, long term buying would be better because renting on a pension is poverty making.

I also think that a single woman earning £65k taking up a housing association property is awful.

She’s not a single woman - she’s a co-parent whose son will moving to spend the majority - not all - of his time at his dad’s. He’ll still need a room at his mum’s.

As to the CMA payments OP, I think you need to reframe it to yourself. The money’s for your son’s upkeep, not for your ex.

Is your ex currently cocklodging, or was that in his past? Either way, I don't think you'll be paying maintenance long. Men like your ex don't do consistently safe, good quality parenting. It's hard work for no personal gain. So unless he's currently on the grift & has a girlfriend to do the heavy lifting, I think son will be back with you by Xmas.

If he spent the years fiddling the system and working cash in hand YANBU, but if they were lots as he didn’t earn much YABU.

65k makes you very wealthy? Maybe in the North East, but I’m on 63k and living in a 2 bed flat in Surrey and sleeping on the sofa when my son’s home from Uni as I can’t afford more than the £1400 I’m already paying in rent. Sure I’m not struggling but I can’t afford to buy until I can move to cheaper parts of the U.K. when my children finish their education. I wouldn’t give up a secure tenancy and cheap rent but I do think HA and council tenancy’s should not be for life. I know a few people who live a great lifestyle as their rent is very low and they earn well and it does seek unfair, but at the same time I don’t blame them if they system allows it.

OP I’d resent paying it too when he fiddled the system to pay minimal. You’ll have no choice though, but don’t pay the extra like dinner money and uniform, just let him know you pay dad maintenance for that so he’s to ask him. Sure give him some pocket money but don’t pay extra’s as £450 is a decent amount

I would be furious and insulted. I never received a penny from my ex and like you say we have to manage.

But hold your counsel. Your DS wants to be there because it's fun. Let's see how fun he thinks it is after everything has settled. As you will be paying CM he cannot come to you to pay for it twice. Everything is covered apart from gifts. Then he will see how feckless his DF is. It will also be interesting how his DF deals with the hundred little things that make up looking after a teenager.

Just make the most of being able to focus on your career and life now. The cost of being a lone parent is far more than 5k a year. You’ll be able to make that back easily by not being the default parent: late meeting - no problem, three day conference - of course.

Sounds like your a single income household too; it’s not easy to meet a partner as a lone parent. Here’s another area where you could build your life now, if you wanted of course.

Pay the money with grace knowing that it’s a bargain 😀

The OP has only recently started to earn that salary. She hasn’t had time to save a deposit to get a mortgage, plus she has poor credit. There is no guarantee that the job will be long term. Staying put for a while is the sensible solution. I certainly wouldn’t give up a secure home to pay a private landlord’s mortgage!

Given the attitude of her DS’s father, no wonder she’s resentful, but surely as the resident parent he will now pick up the expenses related to weekday living, like school uniforms, lunches etc?