To feel resentful over paying child maintenance

[kittycats100]

I know I'm being unreasonable but hear me out. I've been the full time parent since me and DA dad split up when he was 2. DS goes to dad every other weekend and half holidays. Over the years child maintenance payments have varied from his dad paying nothing on the beginning to then me getting some CMA. The first years was £120, it went up to £300 for a year then back down to £120, there was two years I was getting nothing and some years of around £100. Currently it's £55. From secondary school, DS will be living with his dad most of the week so I'll be liable for child maintenance and I'm sure he will claim from me. I've just done a calculation and it's worked out I'll have to pay £450 p/m. I feel really resentful by this because I'll pay it with no drama but I had to struggle along for 8 years with no help with anything other than the CMA amount.

I need to come to terms with this and just accept it's for my son but it's really pissing me off. I had a convo with my partner about this and he thinks it's only fair as I claimed against my ex which has annoyed me even more.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to feel like this?

My reading skills are perfectly fine thank you.

There’s also been recommendations she changes her pension contributions so she has to pay less, which would be purposefully attempting to avoid paying the amount that would be owed.

I also stick by my earlier points that because he didn’t pay enough, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t.

I think OP would struggle to buy where she lives on 65k
social housing is for whoever applies and meets the criteria ….end of

I think begrudging paying it at all, for whatever reason, begrudges the boy - it’s money for him, paid to his other parent.

Nobody is under any obligation to leave a secure tenancy for insecure private rental and it takes time (many years!) to save a deposit for a property. Presumably OP is doing just that. You expect people to give up secure tenancies as soon as they start earning a decent salary?

Where did OP say she would not pay it? Please quote.

Yes? There are disabled people who can’t work, low income families, people earning less than half of the OPs wage, etc, all waiting on these properties desperately. I couldn’t occupy somewhere I didn’t need. But you are right, that’s not how tenancies or the law work and the OP is under no obligation. I’d say a moral responsibility, maybe. It definitely doesn’t take many years for a single person on £65k to save a deposit for a property of the size she would need.

That’s not the vibe I’m getting from the OP at all. It seems massively skewed to be identifying her as the issue here.

People assume that housing association properties are reserved for the poorest in society and that's a fallacy.

Council properties maybe, but HA are sometimes a different t beast.

Before they place you, they do affordability checks, where you have to provide payslips and bank statements to show you can pay the rent. That's before they confirm your offer.

For the HA the OP is an attractive tenant, because her rent will be paid.

There's a reason only around 15-20% of councils / housing associations opted for fixed-tenancies that need reviewing periodically. They prefer you stay put, pay your rent, behave well and have minimal interaction with them.

I need to investigate further, but basically I think I will have to work and continue making in the appropriate contributions until I am 69.

Work done when I was on a work visa (probably) doesn't count.

Looks like you can't pay in to make up the lost time - you can only pay for gaps in employment.

I already have paid so much more in tax than most people probably do in their lives, and I am stuck here due to marrying an abusive British arsehole who will take my child if I would try to return to my home country, where I also have a working history. It all feels very unfair.

Ah, thanks for answering. I'll be investigating that as well, so I can share (fellow immigrant).

I'm sorry you're stuck in an awful cycle with that abusive prick 💐.

Well may be worth working on those reading skills, because not once has OP said she will not pay or that she is trying to wriggle out of it... She did say she think it's unfair her shitty ex didnt pay, but she will be paying her share regardless.

Apologies! I didn't realise this.

Surely it’s his responsibility now to pay for uniform, trips etc? That might go some way to making the payment more acceptable.

I think everyone is missing the point here. The OP is more than happy to pay for her son. However, she has put her career on hold, paid for everything bar some small irregular payments. It doesn’t sound like she’s had any financial stability whilst ex-DH has been living off his gf and paying the minimum towards his son’s upbringing.
OP I say if he does claim this then uniforms, lunches, travel for your son comes out of this money. Don’t give additional as you said in your post. As someone else said what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. £450 is over and above to cover all these expenses

Alright, attitude 😂

She did also say that she’d looked at changing her pension contributions, but has already established that isn’t likely to make a difference to the CMS amount.

I’d say doing that would involve trying to avoid paying the amount your finances mean is owed.

Like I said earlier, when men try (and manage) to find a way out of paying what is due, we all say they’re wrong.

Hi OP, I agree with everything you are saying. Your ex has been a selfish ass all these years and left you struggling so much, anyone would feel resentful in your situation. Congrats on the new job, as you know, you need to do EVERYTHING you can to now get some stability for you and your son. Agree with others and you re paying into your pension as much as possible to create further stability for you both. You will have to pay the correct amount of CMS, I would make sure your son knows how much you are contributing and what it’s to be used for. Do not get pulled into your ex’s games, you will lose out, not your ex. It’s also worth trying what others have said and kindly remind him he can cancel his CMS payments now, and ask for his account details so you can pay him (don’t even mention the £55 amount 😂) Any time you get to yourself this weekend, away from DS, rant and rave to yourself!! Scream and shout and punch the pillows! Then next week remind yourself what an absolutely amazing job you have done, and are doing. Be proud that you are earning more than the ex, hold your head high that you can provide well for your DS 😊 As others have said, your DS will eventually see his dad for who he really is. Now enjoy the weekend!

:P
I get what you are coming from. But the man in this case wriggled his way out of looking after his child financially for 8 years... So I am cutting OP some slack, as regardless of her salary, she went through a lot of hardship and the bellend was not helpful at all- but he himself will never find herself in the same position as he left her.
I can see the unfairness, because as she is trying to get out of debt, he is living rent free with a new woman and not a care in the world.

Mine does

I think @kittycats100 has misread my post.

Those advising not to pay - the CMS are extremely efficient at removing it from your wage with 20% added on top for the privilege. I would pay it direct to him. Don't make my mistake and miss one payment or they will go straight to taking it from your wage and you can never reverse it.

I'm now paying my ex maintenance despite him not paying me, and despite him being a massively high earner. He has alienated my child against me and now he's taking money from me too. He claimed child maintenance as well even though he won't receive it, just so that I don't.

The CMS is so easily fiddled by lying self employed twats but if you have a permanent employed job you are fucked.

Thanks...hope that your pension situation turns out to be ok!

As others have said OP don't be a mug. Explain to your ex and your son that now he's at his Dad's uniform trips etc are his responsibility. If ex whinges point out that they've been your responsibility all this time. Expect him to claim. That will be annoying but don't make it worse by stepping in and paying over the odds. If you want to help your son put what you would have spent in a savings account for him.

What’s the likelihood he’ll actually use that money for DS?

Who gets to decide what size dwelling single people need?

People who reproduced beyond their means aren't any more deserving of societal benefits or an easier life than someone who has been a steady self-supporting taxpayer all these years.

And £65k is not really all that much, for someone who a) is mid-career and b) is making up for lost time in terms of savings and pension contribution.

@Dotto and @Terracata
Give up a secure SH home for what? to pay a landlords mortgage at overinflated prices and live waiting for an eviction notice?
SH is not for low incomes only, anyone can apply.
Sick of the stupid and ignorant attitude to SH on MN