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Original poster

DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
crockofshite · 10/09/2024 07:46

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 10:22

And saying 'well you done it now, so it's done, you told her I wasn't coming and that's that' then walking around all sad

Response to this rubbish is .,.

No, you said you weren't coming. Several times. Quite clearly. You said you didn't want to come, couldn't be bothered. So that's that.

Then pack your bags and get out of there

MargotEmin · 10/09/2024 08:35

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 08:26

I am going to message my friend today, he started an argument with me on her last hen do whilst I was out too which is something I very rarely do.

You know this is a recognise coercive control tactic right, ruining special events? These men are too clever to overtly stop you from going to events, but they know that if they huff or behave appallingly around said events the woman will eventually cave and not bother going to these things.

Tell us about the other ways he manipulates and upsets you. I guarantee this isn't his first rodeo.

Namechangey23 · 10/09/2024 08:39

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Ah there it is! Needs his 'space'. He has basically engineered an argument so he can spend time getting his rocks off elsewhere. Sounds like a deadbeat dad to me. Always someone else's fault. I'd read him the riot act and telling don't bother coming back. You could not have won in that situation and at least you did the decent thing. He obviously doesn't like the idea of not appearing as mr wonderful in front of mutual friends or family, the hallmark of a covert narcissist who gaslights all around whilst covertly abusing you until you don't really know what's going on. I bet he is passive aggressive all the time OP?

Lyraloo · 10/09/2024 08:46

beanii · 10/09/2024 00:28

Will you sit together for the meal or on the top table?

If it's the top table I can see his point - you won't really see him until the night do.

Why? She’s already said several of their friends will be there so he could sit with them. He’s not a child! Weddings are much less formal these days and people mill around anyway.

ClockwiseHoneysuckle · 10/09/2024 09:13

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:12

He has been at it all day.

I have made him look bad, I'm making him look a cunt, I have jumped the gun, 'you have done it now, it's fine'.

I feel like i'm loosing the plot. He has said for months nothing but bad things about this wedding, nothing but snide comments, done nothing but insult my friend and the groom to me, or looked for excuses.

Tell him he looks like a cunt because he's acted like one - and is still acting like one.

ClockwiseHoneysuckle · 10/09/2024 09:14

two people he is very good friends with are sat on our table.

I asked him why he didn't want to go and he said he just didn't, that he couldn't be bothered and why would i want him there if he was just going to be miserable all day.

Do make sure you tell the people he is friends with exactly what you've put here.

ranchdressing · 10/09/2024 09:19

Leaving a relationship because it simply isn't the life you want to lead (even when things aren't 'bad') is a perfectly fine and reasonable thing to do.

You don't exist to serve him as the main character.

bevm72yellow · 10/09/2024 09:23

don't give him audience to his bad behaviour. dont entertain poor me and blaming you conversations. he is trying to undermine your good feelings and spotlight on the day.

GCAcademic · 10/09/2024 09:25

The most depressing thing about this thread is just how familiar this pattern of behaviour is to so many posters. So many pathetic, inadequate men out there who, despite their low quality, expect everything to revolve around them.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 10/09/2024 09:28

He has been invited to a wedding where he actually knows people, and with his own wife.
Some people turn up on their own and hardly know a soul and get on with it.
This idiot hasn’t thought it through, has he?
How can he be ‘made’ to look anything? He said he didn’t want to go, so OP is taking her mum.
As for going to his dad’s, I bet he is like a mirror image. Two miserable sods keeping each other company.
Look fabulous, turn up and don’t answer any calls.
And then hope he stays at his dad’s…. Permanently!

partygate · 10/09/2024 09:29

Let him go. He’s going to grind you down. This will happen again and again and his behaviour will get worse. It’s completely reasonable to want to go to your best friend’s wedding. He is utterly selfish and manipulative. He will destroy your confidence and happiness. Get rid of him now before he sucks the joy out of everything. He’s not a good role model for your child and your child will know your unhappiness.

if you stay with him you’ll miss out on so many fun things with your child - little things like dancing around the room, deciding to go to the park last minute, all because you’re too worn out / walking in egg shells

6pence · 10/09/2024 09:54

Did he ever go to his dads?

Ohnobackagain · 10/09/2024 09:57

@Strawberrysaucee don’t be taken in by this ‘woe is me’ crap. He whinged about the wedding. He made a lot of fuss about not wanting to go. You made it so he doesn’t have to go - he should be happy. This is all about controlling you. You go with your Mum regardless of what he does. If he pulls the ‘can’t look after child’ card, make sure your back-up is ready. Also tell your bride friend what he is trying. Do not end up unable to attend - that is what he wanted. All this other ‘going to stay at my Dad’s’ is a diversion. Stick to your guns. You will be happier with less money and no whinger in your life than sticking with him. And so will your child.

JoyousPinkPeer · 10/09/2024 10:02

Let him go and get yourself a lodger to help pay the rent.

He's not going to change and will bring you misery.

TheRavenSaid · 10/09/2024 10:06

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 08:12

it's just embarrassing for me as people will be asking where he is as he has friends that are going too

"You'll have to ask him why he's not here, I don't know"

Not your embarrassment

TheRavenSaid · 10/09/2024 10:08

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 08:28

Financially i am going to be in a real tricky spot on my own. I have a child.

Is he the father?

Runsyd · 10/09/2024 10:11

OP, he's an immature, narcissistic, controlling shithead. You know this really. You will be so much happier in the long run if you leave him.

ranchdressing · 10/09/2024 10:51

GCAcademic · 10/09/2024 09:25

The most depressing thing about this thread is just how familiar this pattern of behaviour is to so many posters. So many pathetic, inadequate men out there who, despite their low quality, expect everything to revolve around them.

and women who are trapped by finances or their own low self worth

it's really depressing

StarShipControl · 10/09/2024 10:56

If any other guests ask you where he is and you don't want to tell the truth, just say "unfortunately he had a clash of plans! Such a shame. Gorgeous wedding, isn't it?"
As for your dh, he's desperately trying to bring you back into line. Wanting you to grovel to him and make him your priority.
When you feel like talking to him, you could say that you want a mutually supportive relationship and it's a shame he doesn't want that and you don't want a relationship with someone who sulks and spoils things for you. Agree that It's best he goes and stays with his dad for a while so you can both think about things.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/09/2024 11:22

@Strawberrysaucee

It's been 3 days since he threatened to go to his Dad's and that's what it was - a threat.

He wanted / expected you to plead and beg for him to stay.

Did he go ?

The wedding is this week ?

How are you ?

MyNewCat · 10/09/2024 11:24

@Strawberrysaucee this is going to turn into a bigger drama the closer it gets to the wedding, so please do as much as you can to minimise the impact on you on the day.

My suggestion would be to get all of your stuff together & go to your Mum's, or a friend's, or a hotel the night before - preferably leaving whilst he is out. Don't keep your childcare friend as a backup, but make definite arrangements for the day.

Then turn your phone off (or temporarily block him)

All of this will mean you won't have to deal with any of his mantrums on the day & you can relax & enjoy the wedding.

Have a fabulous time!

ps: I've never commented on Mumsnet before, but I'm a bit concerned about you - please update us!

outdamnedspots · 10/09/2024 11:31

MyNewCat · 10/09/2024 11:24

@Strawberrysaucee this is going to turn into a bigger drama the closer it gets to the wedding, so please do as much as you can to minimise the impact on you on the day.

My suggestion would be to get all of your stuff together & go to your Mum's, or a friend's, or a hotel the night before - preferably leaving whilst he is out. Don't keep your childcare friend as a backup, but make definite arrangements for the day.

Then turn your phone off (or temporarily block him)

All of this will mean you won't have to deal with any of his mantrums on the day & you can relax & enjoy the wedding.

Have a fabulous time!

ps: I've never commented on Mumsnet before, but I'm a bit concerned about you - please update us!

This!

What a cunt he is, op. You deserve better.

StarShipControl · 10/09/2024 11:39

I agree about firming plans for childcare. When dh knows you're going and he failed to control you, he'll use childcare to manipulate and control you.

Starlight1979 · 10/09/2024 13:09

Channellingsophistication · 10/09/2024 07:04

Threatening to go to his dads is meant to punish you and make you beg him to stay…let him go.. but I suspect he won’t.

He is unhappy that your mum is going in his place because him not going was meant to spoil it for you. If your mum is going with you that won’t happen.

This isn’t a good relationship for your child to grow up within. I think you would do better on your own and should plan to leave.

Edited

He is unhappy that your mum is going in his place because him not going was meant to spoil it for you.

This 💯

Jingleboots · 10/09/2024 13:24

OP has disappeared.

You get accused of thinking other people's lives are soap operas if you dare to mention no update but it's not that for me. Those who come here seeking to tell of their bad experiences with their partners make others concerned for the wellbeing of this random stranger who is suffering.

I'm not for one second saying they owe people any more details nor to follow any advice given but it would be nice to pop back and just say "I'm okay. Don't worry".

I might be a dopey bugger but I tend to worry that those who don't come back are going to show up on the news instead.