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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To always shower before sex?

151 replies

Schleep · 05/09/2024 18:24

Inspired by someone's statement on another thread.
I've admittedly got some issues around intimacy so could well BU.
I cannot have sex without being absolutely certain I'm completely clean beforehand - I will always wash before. I don't care if DP is freshly showered, assuming he's not really filthy obviously.

So, Mumsnetters, AIBU?

YANBU - I always wash before
YABU - Its not essential

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 05/09/2024 20:03

I would only shower if he did too.

But I prefer morning sex and have a shower afterwards.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/09/2024 20:09

Schleep · 05/09/2024 19:51

No. Never. I know this disappoints my DP

Show quote history

How do you feel about it? I know your immediate feelings are 'must shower before sex', but does the idea of being a bit more free in the future appeal? I'm sure, if you wanted, some kind of sex therapy could help.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 05/09/2024 20:12

Showering (for me, not fussed about him) isn't a prerequisite but it's a strong preference. I'm self conscious about smell and don't let him go down on me if I haven't at least had time to sneak in a wipe with a flannel.

But we're old and have teenagers roaming the house so sex is almost always in bed late at night or early morning.

Melodysmum12 · 05/09/2024 20:12

With a child and three jobs between us, we tend to have to plan sex 😆 It’s always in the evening and we always shower/bathe first. But if we do happen to have spontaneous sex… I’ve shower once a day anyway so am usually clean!

angstypant · 05/09/2024 20:27

MysweetAudrina · 05/09/2024 18:43

God no. I read that post like this Shock. Sex is meant to be smelly and messy. Obviously not manky but at any given time I would at least have had a shower that morning. I like the smell of a body when I'm having sex. Pheromones and all that stuff. There is a huge difference between someone who has poor self care and someone who showers daily and generally looks after their body.

But by evening we have so much residue of urine and poop.

I don't always shower but I've been with dh for over 30 years. But I do like sex when we are all clean after a shower on holiday or on the weekend

rainsofcastamere · 05/09/2024 20:29

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/09/2024 19:38

PUT IT IN THE SEX TOPIC.

NO BECAUSE WE ARE ALL FULLY GROWN ADULTS THAT DON'T ALL HAVE HANG UPS ABOUT SEX.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 05/09/2024 20:32

Agree with PP, I don't want to be squeaky clean to have sex, I like the skin to smell like skin. (Guess I'm between the OP and Napoleon, mentioned in the thread)

Ginnnny · 05/09/2024 20:34

I get it but also don’t. I used to go to a vigorous exercise class every Tuesday night and would have some vigorous sex afterwards while incredibly sweaty because my DP found it hot as fuck when I was so damp even when I’d want a shower first. Maybe not relevant but 🤷🏼‍♀️

YankTank · 05/09/2024 20:38

KreedKafer · 05/09/2024 19:37

Each to their own, but I personally would find it really offputting and unsexy if someone insisted on showering before sex. Assuming someone has a generally decent standard of basic hygiene, they don’t need to be sanitised before a shag. To be honest, I’d rather a man smelled like a man being rather than smelling like soap and water, and men who are prissy about that sort of thing gives me the ick on a grand scale. As I say, absolutely each to their own so if a mandatory pre-fuck shower works for both partners, that’s great - shower away! But for me, it just feels prudish and uptight to be worrying about that sort of thing.

An ex of mine once confessed that a previous girlfriend of his (she was American; I have no idea if this is standard there!) had insisted on washing immediately before sex, and that he would have much preferred it if she hadn’t. Partly because of the lack of spontaneity, partly because it just seemed like an inhibition to him, and partly because - well, I’m sure you can fill in the blanks on why a man who is extremely attracted to women wouldn’t necessarily want them to be, er, freshly rinsed.

Nope, not the standard in the US.

lissom · 05/09/2024 20:40

I would always shower before sex as does DP if it's in the evening after the sweaty day. If we've showered, slept overnight and then do it in the morning I would still have a quick genital scoosh (!) and brush my teeth. I just can't unless all the bits are clean. For me that is a turn-on. If there is an occasional spontaneous situation outdoors or whatever, fair enough, but otherwise, it's soap and water.

YankTank · 05/09/2024 20:44

spikeandbuffy24 · 05/09/2024 20:01

@GoldenNuggets08 yeah that's an option for me now i just need a way to tell the FWB why I won't do it for him....

“I don’t want to,” should do it.

KreedKafer · 05/09/2024 20:46

But by evening we have so much residue of urine and poop

Speak for yourself

YankTank · 05/09/2024 20:46

angstypant · 05/09/2024 20:27

But by evening we have so much residue of urine and poop.

I don't always shower but I've been with dh for over 30 years. But I do like sex when we are all clean after a shower on holiday or on the weekend

Show quote history

Poop residue 😂

ForeverPombear · 05/09/2024 20:48

A lot of the time but sometimes I decide to meet my DH in a field somewhere for a quickie in his tractor and that's the cleanest of places and he's incredibly unlikely to be sparkling clean.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 05/09/2024 20:50

I always do as does DH. I fecking hate the lack of spontaneity but I can't risk getting a UTI.

0BonneMaman0 · 05/09/2024 21:04

After too 🙌🤣

Coconutter24 · 05/09/2024 21:19

DoYouReally · 05/09/2024 19:32

What's the worst that can happen if you don't smell of roses (well, shower gel really!)?

I'm not trying to be smart but what's the fear or where it is coming from? Rejection? Germs? etc? I think you need to understand why before you can look at changing it.

Cystitis!!

Coconutter24 · 05/09/2024 21:24

LittleBelleBelle · 05/09/2024 19:45

Ha ha! No. Do people really plan sex like that? Have I been doing it wrong for 30 years?!

There’s no right or wrong way everyone does what they feel comfortable with. Some people need to plan, some are spontaneous it really doesn’t matter

Missingpate · 05/09/2024 21:28

Surprised by how many are surprised some people might enjoy sex more when feeling clean. I get it, OP, and usually feel the same. We do often have early morning sex as that happens to be when our house is quietest and we are least likely to be interrupted, and we don’t shower before that, but equally I wouldn’t be up for it if I hadn’t showered the night before.

Coconutter24 · 05/09/2024 21:30

I always shower in an evening before sex, if I’ve been having wees throughout the day I certainly don’t want my DH tasting that!! People think it’s weird or unspontaneous to make time to shower but not being clean would ruin it for me I’d be so paranoid and certainly wouldn’t let him do oral on me unwashed. Plus the risk of cystitis is just not worth taking.

GladAllOver · 05/09/2024 21:53

It often starts for us IN the shower. And sometimes finishes in there too!

Original poster
Schleep · 05/09/2024 22:28

I'm glad I'm not completely strange, its been really helpful to see such a breadth of answers and just have a conversation about it.
Thank you to all the posters who sent kind messages, I appreciate all the advice and I'm sorry for not replying individually - I have read all the replies though .

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 05/09/2024 22:35

@Schleep if showing helps you relax and enjoy sex more you should absolutely do it.

We are all different and as long as everyone is getting the sex they enjoy then that’s all that matters 😊

angstypant · 05/09/2024 23:01

KreedKafer · 05/09/2024 20:46

But by evening we have so much residue of urine and poop

Speak for yourself

If you think you haven't then you are sadly deluded.

Especially if you only clean yourself with toilet paper

DaughterNo2 · 05/09/2024 23:12

StarSlinger · 05/09/2024 19:03

She works in an office, not down the pit

Show quote history

You do you