To always shower before sex?

[Schleep]

Inspired by someone's statement on another thread.
I've admittedly got some issues around intimacy so could well BU.
I cannot have sex without being absolutely certain I'm completely clean beforehand - I will always wash before. I don't care if DP is freshly showered, assuming he's not really filthy obviously.

So, Mumsnetters, AIBU?

YANBU - I always wash before
YABU - Its not essential

Does he not, um, use his fingers as well as his mouth? You could always do that if not freshly showered.

YABU

NO ONE ELSE MINDS

THE SEX TOPIC IS FULL OF CREEPY WEIRDOS, YOU CANT HAVE A PROPER CONVERSATION IN THERE.

Calm down, eh? It’s not like the thread title doesn’t make it perfectly clear what it’s about.

YOU GO TO THE SEX TOPIC. WE'RE HAPPY HERE.

You obviously want to change this so may try starting small.

Tell DH that is a concern for you firstly.
Then maybe try just a quick hygiene wipe etc and reduce it over time.

If you aren't comfortable trying that, then continue to shower. Other than the lack of spontaneity, it isn't harmful. No one should have sex when they aren't comfortable. What works for you, works for you. Only chabge things if you want to.

Ha ha! No. Do people really plan sex like that? Have I been doing it wrong for 30 years?!

Well yeah, if i was less than fresh. I'm not a particularly smelly person but when you've been active all day long and been to the toilet throughout the day, it's good manners to be clean for your partner. I'm bisexual and with all women I've been with, they've always wiped down before I've gone down.

YANBU.
I can't enjoy it unless both freshly showered.

I also can't have anyone's hands near my vulva or vagina unless their nails are trimmed and hands clean.

Is that a stealth boast?

I don't think I could stop my DH for a quick wipe down if he'd decided he was going down, which is why I was curious.

Thank you, I was getting a bit worried I'd done something wrong posting here

I'd dump someone who did this.

It sounds like some weird ideas about sex. Possible CSA?

Maybe because your sex is so planned and perfunctory? I'm being a bit tongue in cheek, sorry, but do you seriously never have firey, passionate, completely 'in the moment' sex?

Yes CSA.
Also Catholic school (though atheist upbringing)

No. Never. I know this disappoints my DP

That's sad for you, your DP should be making sure you orgasm somehow every time

Sorry, me again.

Would you consider getting a vibrator?

You could use it to explore your body a little more, what feels good, what doesn't etc. You also wouldn't need to shower and it'seasy clean with wipes etc.

The more confident you are in your own sexuality, and knowing what works for you, the more confident you can be with your partner.

Exactly this.., every time I comment it’s always followed up with lots of dms from perverts. Much better posted here where an intelligent convo had be had!

No CSA for me, just experience of being with men that have been to the toilet all day and not cleaned/washed
I don't fancy the taste/smell of urine so I'm paranoid about it myself

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong! Ignore Miss Shouty All-Caps, you’re doing just fine.

OP, you sound like a very nice and thoughtful person and your follow-up comments suggest that there’s a lot more going on here than just a preference for a pre-sex shower. You mention low libido and not really getting anything from sex and only doing it to please your partner, and I feel like you deserve better than this. Obviously you don’t have to share but is there something in your past or unbringing that’s maybe affected the way you think or feel about sex/sexuality? Is your partner considerate/open-minded/giving in bed?

It makes me feel genuinely quite sad that you feel you’d be too ‘dirty’ for him without a shower, and that you feel you have to have sex that you don’t really enjoy. I hope this is something that does improve for you because you deserve to have sex that’s relaxed and fun.

I understand this somewhat but honestly I'd just use hands for foreplay rather than oral and carry on instead of stopping and washing if we were in the moment. 😅

Yes CSA

Oh @Schleep, I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s completely understandable that you have conflicting feelings around sex and I really hope your counselling helps you.

@GoldenNuggets08 yeah that's an option for me now i just need a way to tell the FWB why I won't do it for him....