To feel so utterly joyless?

[Twointhehand1]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. I feel like I am just existing.

I have a loving family, great DH, decent well paid job, no financial or health concerns and I am so so deeply unhappy. I feel so selfish feeling this way as I literally have nothing to be unhappy about.

I used to be fun. I used to love to laugh. Constantly arranging fun activities for everyone who wanted to come along. I was always the one who hosted the parties. I lived for trips away and socialising. I look at pictures of the ‘old me’ and I look so happy and full of life. I want to be that person again.

Nothing gives me joy. I am about to go away on a lovely holiday. I got my suitcase out of the loft and sobbed because I felt nothing. No excitement, no joy……….nothing. It felt like a chore. The old me would have loved every second of packing, outfit planning, looking forward to activities that we’d do whilst there.

I feel empty. I just float along, faking smiles. Nothing and I mean nothing makes me feel……happy, excited fun.

Am I alone here? Is it my age? (42 and no peri symptoms yet) Is this a phase? I really want to just shake my head and snap out of this rut!

Talk to your GP.

Sounds very much like the anomie of peri. See your GP.

I’m worried they’ll just throw some sort of anti depressant at me. I’m not against that, I’d just rather understand what’s going on 🙈 but thank you for replying.

I feel the same but it's more life situation and the people around me, where I am in life etc. I feel worthless. Still at home, single. No kids, toxic family where I am the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong. Chronic health issues. Unattractive.
I am only a few years younger than you.

I hear you regarding anti depressants but you'll never get to the bottom if it until you try. This is your first step. Speak to your GP and take it from there.

Big hugs. So sorry you feel this way too.

Hopefully if you know at least some of what’s troubling you, it can help to make a change xx

You might need HRT.

I am the same, and also 42! Feel like I'm just kind trudging along, going through the motions and everything feels like a chore. I know I am so lucky in so many ways but I just can't seem to get out of this fog. I don't think I'm depressed as such but I often feel quite miserable.
Will be following for others good advice...

Thank you so much for your replies. I am grateful for your advice. And also feel like I’m not the only person on the planet who feels meh!

I hear you. I'm 52 and definitely in peri. HRT didn't help and I tried all types. I feel that there's so much I haven't done and will never do due to money issues. I feel completely trapped like i'm just waiting for the end.
Sorry I realise that doesn't help but just wanted to make you see there are others out there feeling the same. I hope things improve for you.

Tbh I did have this with peri! HRT has helped.

But have made some lifestyle changes too which also help - pursuing hobbies more, changing jobs etc - so I don’t think HRT is a magic cure.

Edit - I’m 45 btw but have been on HRT for a year. I was lucky to get to speak to the HRT lead at my GP surgery.

Time for some soul searching?

You're entering the second phase of life where holidays, money, and having a nice family don't matter so much. [Although obviously life is a lot easier and more pleasant with these things!]

It must be 42! I have/had a few peri symptoms but really nothing major but 42/43 was just an awful time just like you describe. And I couldn't figure out what was wrong really - work was a bit stressful but nothing terrible. From 44 onwards it got better for me. Not quite sure what helped - I did speak to my GP who would suggested she would give anti depressants but like you I wasn't sure, tried my work counselling service (useless and unsympathetic), saw a work coach who was more of a life coach really which I think did help, took a big holiday, started prioritising myself (and healthy eating and exercise habits) more. Hope you get through the other side soon

I feel the exact same. I just don’t find anything fun. It’s not unenjoyable, I don’t feel sad or angry but i couldn’t tell you when I last had actual fun. Just very flat.

I’m 41 and felt like this for a couple of years. So I moved abroad and realised it was my environment.

45 and feel entirely like this. I need a new job and a new hobby but for various mundane and boring reasons neither of those can really happen for a few years. I’m bored and flat and feel like I’m on an endless hamster wheel of the same things. Dunno how to change it or feel better about it.

I'm also 42 and feel exactly the same!
Even down to the holiday.
I tried hrt and it actually made me worse.
I've been given sertraline but I'm not keen to start them so now DS is starting school this week I may use my days off to go to the gym and do other things for me more.
WFH COL and having a young child with so little time to myself have def contributed to how I feel.
I feel like... Is this just it now..school runs, paying endless bills and shite weather. Blergh. I'd love to move abroad but DH digging his heels in, this fucking rain doesn't help me.

I felt just like you. It's called anhedonia. It's a form of depression and I found it more scary than ordinary depression. Mine kicked in about 4 years before menopause. It probably was peri-meno but I'd never even heard the term peri-menopause until years after I was through it!

I really worked on getting over it. I took vitamins, did exercise, meditation, journalling, spent time in nature. I didn't make myself feel bad if I didn't feel any joy while doing these things, I just did them because i knew they were good for me.

The thing that helped me most was doing a new thing every day (someone has just started a thread about it.) I started small (walk down a new street, try a new fruit tea etc) and moved on to more ambitious stuff - kayaking, dancing,weight training, new jobs and work-related skills etc. I kept a short journal of what I'd done each day and how it felt. After about three months I realised I was feeling brighter and that trying something new seemed to have created some new neural pathways. I got my confidence and zest for life back a bit and by the end of the year it was pretty much back to normal.

Awe and gratitude help too. For gratitude write down three nice things that happened to you each day - things people have done or said, or anything you are thankful for - a cuddle from the cat or husband , a favourite song playing on a building site radio - tiny things. And awe is simply stopping for at least 1 minute each day to gape at nature. Just stop and stare if you see beautiful flowers or leaves or clouds or sunset, a singing blackbird or a waddling duck, anything. Just watch for a moment, that's all. Don't attach feelings to it. It's quite important not to. Don't think: beautiful sunset tonight and I don't care. Just think beautiful sunset - the clouds are almost orange now - or whatever - just notice. Don't judge it or you.

One thing I realise now is - you are allowed to change., You might discover you find less joy now in being the social organiser, and more joy in quieter activities or new aspects of work. Doesn't matter. You don't have to get back to doing what you used to do - you just need to get back to enjoying life.

I said anomie when I meant anhedonia.

This is really helpful, thank you

@Meadowwild that was such an inspiring read, thank you so much for writing that. I've saved it as I'm 40 and starting to feel my hormones fluctuating and that makes it feel so much less scary, so approachable and fixable.

I feel like this too. The worst one for me is Christmas…I’m such a Christmas person and I’ve always been SO excited, but last year I didn’t feel much. It felt like I was going through the motions.

I find things like organising the children’s birthday parties a massive chore, and I hate feeling like that. I wondered if it was because I was just over it having done twice a year for 9 years…but I don’t know.

I’m sad with the general state of the world; things that used to hold such prestige (football tournaments, the Olympics…even Saturday night TV) are all so saturated and just don’t have the same sense of spirit that they used to have. It’s bleak.

If you are feeling an emotion you can’t name then you can garuntee the Greeks will have a name for it. Acedia a listlessness that is not depression!

happened to me around 38. A conspiracy of adhd and difficulties from childhood, peri and life events. im not out of the woods yet but I’m feeling bette than I was. I had a huge urge to turn my life upside down but I’m glad I didn’t.

going to a counsellor can be helpful as a good one will ask you lots of questions and might help you work out what is going on.

Yep same here... I think mostly having two young children and hardly ever having any real time to myself is the main issue.
Relationship with husband suffering as we are worn out and never have time along (well maybe once or twice a year!).
COL really biting noq aswell - I thought a couple of years ago we were doing OK and things were on the up but now I just see years of work and financial commitments ahead and it's such hard work. Probably had my head in the clouds a bit but seems like in last couple of years I've realised how relentless it all is.
Been looking at a holiday abroad in Oct and the amount it costs is insane, can't seriously justify it when our house is falling apart...

Some helpful advice on here tho which I will try to implement...