To feel so utterly joyless?

[Twointhehand1]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. I feel like I am just existing.

I have a loving family, great DH, decent well paid job, no financial or health concerns and I am so so deeply unhappy. I feel so selfish feeling this way as I literally have nothing to be unhappy about.

I used to be fun. I used to love to laugh. Constantly arranging fun activities for everyone who wanted to come along. I was always the one who hosted the parties. I lived for trips away and socialising. I look at pictures of the ‘old me’ and I look so happy and full of life. I want to be that person again.

Nothing gives me joy. I am about to go away on a lovely holiday. I got my suitcase out of the loft and sobbed because I felt nothing. No excitement, no joy……….nothing. It felt like a chore. The old me would have loved every second of packing, outfit planning, looking forward to activities that we’d do whilst there.

I feel empty. I just float along, faking smiles. Nothing and I mean nothing makes me feel……happy, excited fun.

Am I alone here? Is it my age? (42 and no peri symptoms yet) Is this a phase? I really want to just shake my head and snap out of this rut!

Ohhh I've felt this, and so grumpy for no reason. Just so miserable. But.... I did find out I was b12 deficient and since I've had b12 injections I do feel the joy has come back. So please please all ask for your b12 to be tested. It just makes me feel flat and joyless when I need a boost and others have said the same xx

I'm 47 and this explains a lot. We just booked a big holiday & I feel nothing but anxiety & see lots of work. I used to be jumping for joy!! It's DS's birthday soon & usually I'd make a fabulous cake & party, but I don't have the motivation. It'll be a supermarket variety & maybe he can take friends somewhere.

I think peri, but also I now have no friends (all moved away at once!) and nothing for myself as everyone else has things on & there's no time for me (or I'm too exhausted). Marriage isn't great as I carry the mental load & we spend zero time together (and if we did DH would just want sex & I'd feel obligated instead of doing what I want, like going out). If not DH & DC it's elderly parents needing help. I feel drained and like my cup is constantly poured out by others & I can't refill it.

I won't see the GP as I went through many doctors for another issue & they ALL just threw drugs at me - some with quite horrific side effects. I fixed it with stretches & lifestyle changes & an occasional painkiller. They don't want to help you fix an issue, just cover it up and get your of their surgery inside your 10 min time slot.

I think it's quite normal to feel like that. The expectation that life should be "fulfilling" and "joyful" just sets you up for disappointment.

I do think you have a point. It's fine to feel down or annoyed sometimes. There shouldn't be pressure to feel endlessly upbeat.

But when it's constant and nothing soothes you, nothing lifts you – that's worrying and needs dealing with.

Oh dear. I know it sounds silly but go to a forest by yourself.
And listen.

I have read every single reply and I can’t thank you all enough. Some great advice and reading the shared experiences made me feel slightly less of a selfish weirdo. Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I am 40 and after years of feeling exactly like you I have given up and accepted a low dose of sertraline.
I have only been on it a few weeks and it's too early to tell if its working properly but I think the fog might be starting to clear a little bit.
It is awful feeling like this and I tried everything to avoid medication but in the end I simply couldn't face potentially feeling like this for another 40 years!

This is so interesting, and helpful. I'm going to use some of this with my kids too. Thank you for sharing!

OMG. This is me! That is the word I use "joyless". I could have written this post.
I don't think I'm depressed per se, just joyless.
Can't wait to read any help you may be offered.
Here's a 🫂 and 💐 meanwhile xx

What's your general health like?
Do you eat well
Exercise?
Get out in the fresh air?
Are you bored ?
Need new stimulation?
Are you for filling your creative side?
Giving back?

I totally agree. People always suggest going to the GP, who will throw pills at you, which become addictive. Phone the Samaritans; who don't say much, but parrot back what you said. If your life situation is the cause of joylessness, then it will never change until you change whatever it is that's causing the problem. I know medication and the Samaritans help many but this is just my personal experience. It's a horrible feeling but sometimes just letting yourself feel it, knowing nothing ever remains the same for ever can help. Wishing you well.

I feel the same. Also 42. But I think I'm quite aware of the root of it.

I have 2 children, age 7 and 3, and although they are wonderful I really, really struggle with the lack of spontaneity and routine involved with having children.

This week with the whole "back to school" situation has really got to me. I feel so bleak. Because, frankly, I'm so utterly BORED.

Are you feeling nothing about your holiday because you know when you get back nothing will have changed? It's just more of the same etc. I think one of the hardest things about adulthood is that youth teaches you that so much is possible, things change quickly when you're young, and you get used to a certain level of momentum. But then you get into later life and it's all very one track, often for a long time.

I do get some joy out of my children's happiness but I feel a shadow of the person I once was because that person has been obliterated by the responsibilities and anxieties of parenting.

Do you know that Miley Cyrus song "Used to be young"? The first time I heard it on the radio in the car I literally broken down sobbing

@AuraBora
It's shit isn't it.
We thought when School started we would be ok but mortgage increased, food petrol and all bills shot up and we can't afford to even go out for a meal or anything. All our money is spent on crap like soft play.
DH is a teacher so no chance of a cheap holiday either, the cost is eye watering.
Our relationship is on its arse as we never get quality time, or I'm told to go out and make friends like there is a magic tree they grow on where you can do free activities, I don't speak to another person all week sometimes.

Op - that IS a massive peri/ meno symptom…

Oh my god the same... I used to adore Xmas and now it feels like an endless chore that I'd rather sit out (but can't because I'm a mum)

I can relate. I think whether you are childless or whether you have children, the 40s can be a time of thinking Is this it? It’s kinda disappointing that life in many cases isn’t as positive as in our 20s & 30s. A lot of us feel less energised.

I’m in my 50s now and generally ok with my life. It’s easier when the children become older ( for people who have them). I try to count the positives these days not the negatives and not to compare myself to others who seem to have more.

Do you have a good GP? I think it'd be worth seeing them. Hopefully there are some easily identifiable and fixable things that'll make a difference.

FWIW, that sounds similar to how I felt before starting on HRT. Had a month or so of headaches whilst getting used to it, but overall I feel so much better (and joyful) with the HRT.

I’m sorry you feel this way, the grind of family life could be behind it. Family life is amazing but can be dull and monotonous. If you want to understand your feelings better and can afford it- counselling.

@ComeWineWithMeAgain
Any side effects? Everyone I have spoken to ref setraline says they were sick or more anxious to start with and with a huge workload and school runs I can't face either of these

You think you don’t have any peri symptoms because you’re expecting physical ones. But this is the main symptom I had - I didn’t get flushes etc. I just felt a deep darkness of the soul and couldn’t understand it. HRT helped. I hope you sort it.

I'm long past menopause but I feel similarly. I'm almost 60 and have a small group of friends who I see, DH and adult DC but feel no joy at anything social. I plan to see friends and hope they cancel. I'm happiest at home alone really. I love a day at home cleaning and tidying. I think this is just the new me who is happiest with a simple life.

Hello 🙋‍♀️ as soon as I read your title, I could relate - also 42. I’m definitely not in peri (lots of tests recently as I’m also trying to conceive), but feel so joyless and as though I’m just trudging through life. If I genuinely laugh at something, I’m surprised and remember that feeling as though it’s a different person.

I feel like it might be a combination of realising I’m autistic, age and just the relentlessness of recent years. I have a fantastic husband and a good life (though I hate my job), but it’s all so relentless. I’m normally such a positive, happy person - I’m trying to count myself lucky to be here at all and live in the moment but all I crave to do is stay in bed all day.

I’m 43 and feel exactly the same.

Work is a bit stressful and I don’t get to do as much of the high value activities as I want, as we’re short staffed and I have to do more of the boring activities to pick up slack. Very angry to see others get promoted above me. Kids 8 and 6, still need a lot of help with everything. In the after school club every day. Husband great but I carry the mental load. I love exercise but don’t get to don’t often enough. Nice house but constant mess, and wherever I look there is something to fix. Parents at an age where they start needing help but refusing help.

I feel like I am spread too thin and constantly low grade failing on all fronts. I should put more into work, and kids, and house, and garden, and exercise, and time alone with husband, and there is not enough of me to go around.

I feel like I am just going through the motions with everything. I organise parties but socialising is a huge effort as I have to pretend to be a normal human being.

I feel like I’ve become a fucking support human. There is no me and nothing in this world for me; I organise parties and holidays and dinners for colleagues and friends and my kids and relatives, I organise kids activities and organise house repairs and organise things at work that support others. I’m just a life manager for people around me and not a human being in myself.

I had therapy, and it was just a woman saying “*it’s a really hard stage at life” to me for £80 an hour. I had Sertraline, which made it a little better in the sense it made me care less about the fact that things were shit, but did nothing to change it. I got off Sertraline because it made me fat, which was yet another front on which I could be failing massively.

I don’t know what’s the solution. I feel
a little better when I exercise but when the fuck am I supposed to exercise???

I do think this is common in your 40s. Firstly there are plummeting oestrogen levels which can make you feel completely flat. Then there are life pressures- work, kids, aging parents etc.