To feel so utterly joyless?

[Twointhehand1]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. I feel like I am just existing.

I have a loving family, great DH, decent well paid job, no financial or health concerns and I am so so deeply unhappy. I feel so selfish feeling this way as I literally have nothing to be unhappy about.

I used to be fun. I used to love to laugh. Constantly arranging fun activities for everyone who wanted to come along. I was always the one who hosted the parties. I lived for trips away and socialising. I look at pictures of the ‘old me’ and I look so happy and full of life. I want to be that person again.

Nothing gives me joy. I am about to go away on a lovely holiday. I got my suitcase out of the loft and sobbed because I felt nothing. No excitement, no joy……….nothing. It felt like a chore. The old me would have loved every second of packing, outfit planning, looking forward to activities that we’d do whilst there.

I feel empty. I just float along, faking smiles. Nothing and I mean nothing makes me feel……happy, excited fun.

Am I alone here? Is it my age? (42 and no peri symptoms yet) Is this a phase? I really want to just shake my head and snap out of this rut!

I feel the same, OP. My life seems like an endless parade of just waiting for things to be over, even when I'm doing something supposedly enjoyable like being on holiday. It must come across that way to other people too, a work colleague that I worked closely with for a year told me that she'd only seen me look genuinely happy once in all that time and that she hoped that my transferring to another team at work would help (this was actually happening, she wasn't being horrible). The "flat and joyless" description is spot on.

I'm 41 OP and completely understand. I don't think I feel as bad as you, but I definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. The bit about the holiday hit home. We went abroad for the 1st time in years recently. I packed, etc, and was looking forward to the holiday, but years ago, I would have thought so much more about planning outfits and jewellery. I work full time. My job is demanding, I have two dc. I have little enthusiasm left after all that.

It hasn't always been the case. When I was a teen in the 90s my mum didn't work, my dad had a mid management professional job and we had two foreign holidays a year and a new car every 4 years or so.
Yes I remember the interest rate anxiety in the mid 90s, but ultimately the anxiety was running a household on one salary.
We have two equivalent salaries and a much smaller house and are on the cusp of going into debt just to meet our outgoings (because of nursery fees) and we can't afford holidays anymore.

I could have wrote many of these posts word for word. We have a decent size house, several holidays a year, we have a good joint salary coming in. And yet. And yet. I constantly want more but i know that won't make me happy.
I'm miserable and joyless. I'm constantly saving up for the next thing/always waiting for the next thing to happen. The days and weeks merge into 1. Life feels like an endless chore of tidying/cleaning/working/planning.

I can't remember the last time I laughed.

Omg I feel exactly like this, down to your description of the holiday. I look back at picture of myself and how much of effort I put in, now I'm just muddling along.
If I'm being honest, it changed when I had children. I know people say kids have been the making of them, brought out the best and so on. For me, the utter relentlessness and parenting has drained the soul out of me. I'm just being honest. I love my kids so much more than anything, BUT being a parent is nothing I thought it would be.

@MintyNew I feel exactly the same, to the letter. It's very hard to cope with the feeling of restlessness and flatness. You're not alone.

Are you familiar with the Japanese concept of ikigai? There's basically a westernised version which is a diagram that shows you what makes you happy. what you're missing from that is generally what you need to work on. it really worked for me.

This sounds really interesting. Thanks. Going to look it up.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I can’t believe how many of us feel the same way. I think that lots of us simply don’t talk enough about how we feel, especially when it’s hard to pinpoint the cause of the issue.

This weekend I found out a friend of mine had suddenly passed. It’s knocked my socks off but it’s also (combined with your helpful words) given me the push I need to do something. I’m not willing to simply ‘exist’ anymore.

So much great advice on here. Let’s hope they have reached a few of us on here and left us feeling less alone.

thank you ♥️

@LostittoBostik I feel the same way as all of you but am single and childless. I carry different burdens, they don't have to be the same to count.

I feel a lot like many of you. HRT doesn’t seem to help but would anti-depressants?

I would say the majority of the time, I do feel like this. Although I do have moments of joy and excitement, they are few and far between. I even start to question myself if I'm happy for too long. What I am is content, and I like being content.

I sometimes think my lack of emotion, enthusiasm, and joy is down to hormones. Sometimes, I just think humans are not meant to be happy all the time, or even much at all. Mostly, I think it's hormones, though.

I recently had my second child and felt pure joy for the following days after the c- section. Despite being in pain and sleep deprived, I felt so happy. As much as I should try and convince myself it was because of the birth of my child... it was definitely the dramatic change in hormones.

You would probably benefit from antidepressants- they get a bad rep, but work amazingly for a lot of people and shouldn't looked down upon. Also some HRT.

Just for reference, I'm 31.

this all resonates, and I’m sorry you all feel the same. Today was my birthday and it was objectively lovely - DH and kids did everything they could to show me a good day, and I knew I should be enjoying myself, but I just felt flat. Flat alternating with anxiety that I felt nothing but flat. I can’t remember the last time I felt joy or genuinely laughed. I was on anti depressants for a while and they helped the anxiety a bit - maybe? - but I wasn’t sure they really made a difference and I felt even more emotionally dead so came off. I’m absolutely exhausted and burnt out so I think that’s part of it. I feel bad because my kids try so hard to do things to be kind, and I fake joy for their benefit, but I feel bad it’s not more genuine. I’m 39 and have felt like this for years so can’t be menopause. I suspect I’m autistic/ADHD and it’s overwhelm/dysregulation/a kind of systemic shutdown.

I have been recommended ‘change your diet, change your mind. By dr Georgia ede

I can guarantee that is exactly what your GP will do and it is not the right answer. You've sunken into a bit of a depression like millions of people do. There are many other ways to get out of it without becoming dependent on chemicals.

Have you had your thyroid checked?

Why I could have written this myself, especially the husband and sex part?! I’m near enough the same age. And can relate to the friendships part too, although different reasons

I just can't be arsed.
I repeat 'match their energy' but fundamentally after a bit of a healthy scare I can't be bothered with most of my family.
My nieces and nephews on the in-laws side I find trivial reasons to dislike. My favourite pathetic logic is disliking the pompous 21 year old who unapologetically burnt through most of my fancy Japanese coffee pods without thanks or guilt just arrogance and entitlement.
He's off my Christmas card list.

I used to think with family it would be a shame to fall out over a trivial matter and maintain a silence or a snub for decades but looking back over my relationship with my brother, all that making an effort was fruitless and unreturned.

I don't even dislike my in laws or families for any great crime, I just get more joy out of timing the dishwasher emptying to excuse me from providing drawing room conversation these days.

I think that many people - many of us - feel much the same. Part of it for sure is getting older, and all that that means, but I do find that the world is generally a less joyful place than it ever used to be. Now maybe that's also a perspective that comes from getting older, but I don't think so. Everyone is more aggressive, everything seems to be harder work. "Enjoyment" seems to be such had work and so false (and forced) for so many people and something that so often comes at the expense of others. I hope you feel better soon, rest assured you are not alone in the way you feel!

I know this was a thread from a couple of months ago but I'm 44 and so much of what has been said resonates with me
I've just found out that I have very low ferritin (iron stores) levels are 8 and should be more like 100 apparently. This can lead to lots of the symptoms that have been described and anhedonia - that inability to feel joy. Might be something relatively easy to get tested for, its a standard blood test.

Hi Decisionfatiguequeen
Sorry to hear this. It's exactly what my DS has. He has had a blood test and has been prescribed Ferroglobin but he refuses to take it as it tastes absolutely disgusting! I have tried multi vitamins and iron tablets but there's only 7 mg iron in those and the gp said it's not enough. He's only 11. He feels very tired all the time. His diet is bad too as he's so fussy! It's a constant worry.

It could well be your thyroid.
One of the things that alerted me to what I at first thought was just the menopause was yearly events coming round and feeling very flat about them compared to previous years.

Please don’t dismiss anti depressants. They really can help. They helped my DH hugely.

@BooseysMom Has your DS been tested for coeliac disease? That can cause anaemia due to malabsorption.

I’ve just found out my ferritin levels are 18. I had no idea there were emotional side effects to this. Very interesting.