To feel so utterly joyless?

[Twointhehand1]

I don’t know what’s happened to me. I feel like I am just existing.

I have a loving family, great DH, decent well paid job, no financial or health concerns and I am so so deeply unhappy. I feel so selfish feeling this way as I literally have nothing to be unhappy about.

I used to be fun. I used to love to laugh. Constantly arranging fun activities for everyone who wanted to come along. I was always the one who hosted the parties. I lived for trips away and socialising. I look at pictures of the ‘old me’ and I look so happy and full of life. I want to be that person again.

Nothing gives me joy. I am about to go away on a lovely holiday. I got my suitcase out of the loft and sobbed because I felt nothing. No excitement, no joy……….nothing. It felt like a chore. The old me would have loved every second of packing, outfit planning, looking forward to activities that we’d do whilst there.

I feel empty. I just float along, faking smiles. Nothing and I mean nothing makes me feel……happy, excited fun.

Am I alone here? Is it my age? (42 and no peri symptoms yet) Is this a phase? I really want to just shake my head and snap out of this rut!

This is so me, I'm a little older and have always been the social arranger for family and friends. Not any more tho, I love being asked out and having a full diary but when the day arrives I always think - hope it gets cancelled lol. I do enjoy it when I go but it's getting me there these days, it must be an age thing.

This is so sad to read.

Maybe things will improve when your children are older and are more independent? Then you could get your old self back, so to speak?

Best of luck.

I completely understand how you feel, have felt the same for the past 5 or so years. Wandering through life but never feeling truly "happy" even when events/holidays externally were great. I honestly felt like each day was something to get through, rather than enjoy. I tried HRT and it helped a bit. I finally went back to GP and I've started Fluoxetine. The first 2-3 weeks were pretty grim, anxiety, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, restlessness. My GP had warned me it would get worse before it got better. I'm now on week 6 and I honestly feel SO much better. I was out at weekend for a walk to a nearby beach and I felt truly happy and lucky to be there. I've also started to feel motivated with things like housework and my appearance, and just that I've started to get enjoyment and pleasure from things again, so I feel like I can do some of the things that will help long term like improve diet, get back to exercise. Not for everyone and I resisted medication for a long time but just to say don't rule it out completely, just be aware the first weeks are rough. I never felt depressed as such, just completely flat and like I was existing rather than living.

I hope so @Crushed23 but then when I think that I feel awful about wishing the years with my children away. I love spending time with them but just am not suited personality wise to the level of consistency/routine etc they need to thrive.
If I didn't have kids I'd definitely move abroad or take time out travelling now just to shake things up a bit.

@LostittoBostik
I echo your thoughts.
I long to be able to just be free for a bit and not think about responsibilities and the daily grind.
I think hormones play a part but the COL and weather is by far a bigger factor for me. Work all month and we are left with nothing as everything costs just so much. 9 years of university between me and DH and we have to work out how many time we can put the heating or tumble dryer on offset with what we can do for kids. And it's not down to stupid money choices either, just that life is so expensive offset by constant rain that in turn makes life more expensive

This is such a great post, thank you.

Thank you. I’m getting a feeling of this from quite a few posts. I’m definitely going to explore HRT.

I think it’s perimenopause. I’m 43 with none of the physical symptoms but I definitely have the emotional/mental symptoms. It’s not uncommon to have the physical symptoms show up later.

I feel exactly the same. Nothing truly excites me anymore - not even the exciting things! I often think back to my teen years when I was so excited by everything, and so full of curiosity, and always laughing. There was so much that I wanted to see and do, and now that I more able to see and do these things (financially) I feel they are wasted on me because I am so flat.

I have had a very difficult few years though, and I’d put it down to that, but perhaps it’s not about that, as I see a few of you feel you have your lives where you’d like them to be, yet you are still experiencing the same joylessness.

I have nothing of value to say, apart from I am in the same boat.

I have nothing of value to say, apart from I am in the same boat.

Sharing your experience has value.

I really recognise this

Yes absolutely! DH and I in a similar position financially despite three degrees between us, professional jobs and also the luck/bad luck of some inheritance. It's so depressing to be chasing our tails all the time.
Our DC also have some (minor) additional health needs which add to the daily mental load and anxiety

I feel this way too. Hate it. Used to be the first one organising the day trips, the hols, the kid birthday parties. Now I dread every upcoming event and whilst I try to ensure the kids have great birthdays, I subconsciously try to get them to do things with their friends instead of me!

I force myself to do all the things pps have suggested, find joy in stupid little things.

The whole try a new thing everyday isn't very easy when you're a FT carer for a disabled child 😢 trouble is the feeling is just getting worse and I know my other DC and DH can see it. Sex drive is completely non existent. Another thing I used to live for and now force myself to do. I feel so trapped. 😢

45 and GP won't prescribe HRT yet and all the ADs I've tried haven't worked or side effects too bad.

Can't believe how many of us feel the same and I bet we're just a tiny snapshot of women feeling the same across the country 😢

I sympathise with everything you are all saying and feel very flat myself - I think it’s a combination of peri-menopause but also just getting older in general, losing my looks, feeling insignificant, having dcs leaving home and feeling like I don’t have a purpose as such any more. I sometimes feel like I’m having an existential crisis!

I also find the comments such as being educated/both having full time jobs yet only just having enough money to get by interesting as I think this is something we attribute to modern times and the COL etc when in fact I think it’s always been the case. When I think back to being a child, my parents never went out, didn’t have a car, go abroad etc and lived very frugally as did most people. I honestly think with the internet/social media and everyone knowing everyone else’s business it’s become very common to expect a certain level of lifestyle nowadays - and that if you don’t have it you are somehow failing or feel resentful that you’re not living the life you should.

It may sound silly but Im reading a biography of a favourite writer of mine atm who lived through the war and also through the abject poverty that many did in those days and hearing accounts of what it was like, not just through the war but life in general honestly makes me feel so lucky. I agree with trying to find things to be happy about and writing it down or even just pondering what you have to be thankful for in your life when your feeling down.

Also I really think the rubbish weather has a huge effect on my mood and lack of vitamin D is something not to be dismissed. We’ve had barely any sun this year (in fact I don’t remember the last really good summer) and I think it’s a big factor.

Im also open to trying HRT if this carries on too long though I too hate visiting the doctor and always put it off.

I feel exactly the same way. Am sure it's an age thing. I don't have friends now and don't want them. I used to sit in the restaurant or pub and just think 'wish I was at home having a cuppa'. I do enjoy a day out on my own and the freedom of not having to be sociable. Love a quick chat here and there but am always glad to get back to my cats and that cuppa.

Jerranium just to respond specifically. You should absolutely be able to be prescribed HRT at 45. I am a GP. Unless you have a proper contraindication (mainly oestrogen receptor positive breastfeeding cancer) at 45 they don't even need to check your hormone levels. They can just do a 3 month trial. I would download the balance app and fill in the symptom questionnaire to take with you. If you still get resistance ask them to look at the BMS diagnosis and management guideline. Sorry you experienced poor advice.

It’s a horrible feeling when you previously know what it’s like to feel joy in your life.

So many great comments on practical things to do, (sunshine vitamins hormones) but one thing I think about is that when we are young we put a lot of energy into creating our own life away from parents. Things like: finding a partner, taking exams, studying, good friendships, having a family, building careers, finding a home, hobbies.

My experience is that when we get older, we can hit phase of needing a meaning and purpose beyond all this. We still want to be developing and growing not stale and predictable, but some things like holidays and material things just dont hold the same meaning and joy for us,so we need a space to really know ourselves as mature adults and time to be open to where we want to explore next. Not necessarily practical stuff but more connection and value.

Also agree with PP about without any judgement stopping to notice the good stuff. Being in nature every morning by yourself if possible, look at the stars, sunrise, use all your senses to engage fully just being present like a child and not examining your feelings. I also write a gratitude list every night as it magnifies the good stuff which can get overlooked.

OP I hope you can find a time and quiet place to explore your new stage and use the uncomfortable feelings as a push into new growth and that your joy comes back again.

It sounds to me like even the "fun" things you do all fall to you.
You're stretched beyond means and that means you can't actually enjoy things.

Offload as much as you can and carve out time for You.

Same age, feel the same.

I hear you. I feel similar but I do have issues that are contributing - issues largely outside my control. I am on hrt which I take mainly for joint and arthritis issues and to be honest I saw improvement in these issues but not much improvement in mood.

The thing that really impacts me is the feeling that time is moving fast and I've day blends into the next.

The things that help me are swimming and walking in nature. It helps me recalibrate somehow. I also take a few supplements but mainly for my joint issue but I think they might help too. Might add vitamin b12 after this thread. I also like to help others and find this gets me out of my head a bit. It might be at work or in private life. I also love solving problems as it just gets a different part of my brain ticking.

I like the suggestion of trying something new every day but if I am honest that's a bit daunting to me.

I heard somewhere that there is a part of the brain that increases in size when people do things they don't want to do and in elite athletes this part of the brain is huge. As I recall it's good for this part of the brain to be bigger. I think of this every time I go swimming as I rarely want to go but I know it will make me feel better afterwards.

If I were you I would try HRT but don't expect it to be magic. I would also suggest doing something different in your life - is there anything you have wanted to try and do e.g. learn a new skill, write a book or short story. Also have a look at volunteering in a space that helps people or something like a school governor or magistrate. I might listen to my own advice there.

The thing is, my single child free friends of the same say they simply aren't feeling like this.

How much of it is hormones/age? And how much of it is our shitty circumstances of literally carrying EVERYONE and having no mental space left for joy?

I feel this too. I don't want to have money to be 'rich', I want it to be able to go to places and experience things. I feel like I/we will miss out on so much because of a lack of money. Sounds really materialistic, but it's not about the 'stuff'.

Op read back what you wrote and think of what you’d say to another poster. I’m currently going through similar but dh told me he’s not sure he loves me and we’re living like strangers so there’s a physical reason. If you don’t have a reason it’s something that needs to be looked at. Huge hugs op x

This is so easily said but without wealth to pay for services often impossible to achieve