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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend should have told me they hadn't bought me a ticket this year?

148 replies

thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 15:59

Me and a group of friends go to an event every year.

It started with me and my closest friend going, and gradually others began coming with us/joining us there until there was a group of around 20 of us.

My friend always bought my ticket for my birthday as it is around the same time.

He buys the ticket for next year's event straight after the event, because it sells out very quickly.

This year he apparently has not.

The reason I know this is his girlfriend has sent me a message saying 'Spiky you might want to get your ticket, I don't know if (friend) has bought you one this year!'

I was busy and said 'Okay I'll ask him' . Few days passes and girlfriend then tagged me on SM in a post regarding the tickets selling out soon.

I have just had another message from her saying 'You have to get your ticket! They'll sell out by the end of the week!'

Anyway,

AIBU to think that, given friend has bought my ticket for the last 17 years, he should've told me he hasn't this year? It's absolutely fine that he hasn't by the way, quite happy to buy my own. AIBU to wonder why HE hasn't contacted me, why she has?

AIBU to wonder why he hasn't (it is definitely, definitely! Not a money issue).
Maybe he's upset with me/doesn't want me to go?

WWYD?

For a long time (about 5 years I think), up until a couple of years ago, I wasn't really enjoying this event any longer, if it is relevant. I told him not to buy me a ticket, I didn't want to go. Friend INSISTED, absolutely devastated that I'd said this and nagged and nagged until I relented. Each year. I did quite enjoy it once there but that's more because I make the most of situations. I have enjoyed it in more recent years.

I wonder if something has changed and he doesn't want me to go any more?

I think I will just msg and ask him. The issue is if he doesn't want me to go/is annoyed with me, I'd rather not go anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:45

MissUltraViolet · 04/09/2024 18:04

Your main concern is that he (maybe) hasn't got you one because he has randomly decided, despite being good friends for many years, he doesn't want you there. Nothing you have said points to this at all IMO.

If he hasn't it could be for all sorts of reasons, saving for a mortgage/baby/holiday/car etc. Some issues or worries with his job and future.

I'd say the fact that his partner is hassling you to get a ticket before they sell out means that this friend has absolutely no issue with you going, surely he would have told his GF if he felt otherwise.

I think you just need a chat with him, Sounds like communication within your friendship group isn't great. His GF doesn't know what he is doing, you don't, just talk to him.

Thank you for this. It's good advice.
FWIW, I know they have communication issues. For example I once asked him if I could stay at their house and spend some time with them one evening as I was in their town for a nearby event. He said no as gf was working early the following day. Fair enough. Shortly after event, GF is mesging me upset that I hadn't gone to theirs after said event because she would not have at all minded, and she would've liked to have seen me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:47

BirthdayRainbow · 04/09/2024 18:05

Maybe he got sick of you saying you didn't want to go so he didn't think he'd bother.

I haven't' said it for 2-3 years now as explained upthread. It would have been welcomed a few years before that. I have enjoyed it at least the last two times and don't think I said anything the year prior either (I get confused with which year was which, apologies but it is definitely at least 2).

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:48

Hazeby · 04/09/2024 18:06

Normally yes but as he’s been buying her one for 17 years, I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption. He’s the unreasonable one for not telling her he’s doing something different after 17 years of doing the same thing.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you-yes this was my thinking-a simple 'hi, I am not going to buy you a ticket for x this year because of y, so if you want to go please get your own, hope you still come!' would've been absolutely fine. I do not have a temper, I am not unapproachable, he knows me inside out.

OP posts:
Missmarymack2 · 04/09/2024 20:49

was it always a gift ? There is an event some friends and I go to every year. I always buy the tickets and either they pay me back or they have offered at the event to pay for the food etc to make up for the cost of the ticket approximately. The last couple of years they have wanted to go but neither paid for the ticket nor the food. It’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m not broke but they make more money than I do! Thinking of putting it in them to get their own next year .

Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:49

Maddy70 · 04/09/2024 18:16

His girlfriend messaged you. You ignored it

I didn't ignore it? I acknowledged it, replied and was confused by it, then I got another, got more confused and asked here.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:50

Mabs49 · 04/09/2024 18:18

but youv'e said you don't enjoy it and you don't want to go - so now he's not asking you - which is normal in my opinion.

If a friend said repeatedly they didn't enjoy something and didn't want to be there, why would I continue to force them to come.

maybe he thought OK- she's had enough.

Add the spicy girlfriend to the mix - of course you're not going.

Edited

I understand this but as I've said,last (at least) 2 years have been fine and that for me would've warranted a conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:51

KreedKafer · 04/09/2024 18:21

The level of confusion and angst involved in this whole thing is giving me a slight headache. Why are you all making this so needlessly complicated?!

Well from a lot of the replies, I am far from alone in thinking there might have been more to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:53

Allie47 · 04/09/2024 18:34

It's the GF behind the decision, she's threatened by your friendship, he'll have made it clear it's non negotiable and they'll have agreed boundaries (he'll be going along with to keep the peace). He's making her do it because he doesn't know what to tell you. Just reach out to him, agree to meet up another time and say you're not buying a ticket because you don't want to go. You can either ignore the GF messages, she doesn't get to micromanage your relationships, or to keep the peace send a brief 'thanks but I'll give it a miss this year.' 💐

From my further thinking I think the micromanaging may be just down to the fact that he's always been bad at communicating and she's picked up the slack for him in a lot of his situations if I am honest, and he has let her because it makes for an easier life. Not an uncommon scenario I suppose. And this is just the beginning of it with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:54

GreatMistakes · 04/09/2024 19:49

THERE IS NO PLOT!

Seriously, you're creating drama out of nothing.

Show quote history

It is an unusual thing to do IMO and a lot of others agreed. And then she said she may have got me one all along, of course something had happened.

OP posts:
Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 20:56

I find people being overly invested in opposite sex friendships & relationships with other peoples partners quite peculiar. Phoning, messaging, expecting gifts etc. All very odd in my eyes and I'm sure in the eyes of many. As always though each to their own & nobody else's business.

Veebee89 · 04/09/2024 21:03

YANBU OP, it’s really odd to suddenly stop and not say anything after 17 years! I wonder if his gf has told him she’s let you know and he sees it as being on behalf of both of them?

Original poster
thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 21:03

Okay so after trying to ring him I spoke to her again and got to the bottom of it.

Apparently they both got very drunk one night and bought tickets because she had nagged him that they may sell out.

They forgot that he'd usually get me one because they were drunk.

I don't know exactly when this 'drunk' night was. She's then messaged me to tell me to get one.

I've wondered why he'd not message me, and say he wasn't getting me one.
I've then thought, I am not even sure I want to go so I'll think on it for a few days and if it sells out, it sells out, I'll live.

Then this conversation today. After this thread had had some answers I responded to her saying that I wasn't very interested in going. I said I didn't expect him to buy my ticket at all, but it is a bit odd to not tell me he wasn't.

She said they both really want me to come and that he does want to buy me a ticket for my birthday but just forgot, while buying theirs because they were both drunk.

While I was having this very conversation with her, a message pops up from him asking 'Do you want an X ticket for your birthday?'

I just responded with a laughter emoticon! And am now going to try to call him.

OP posts:
AmyDudley · 04/09/2024 21:04

I find people being overly invested in opposite sex friendships & relationships with other peoples partners quite peculiar. Phoning, messaging, expecting gifts etc. All very odd in my eyes and I'm sure in the eyes of many. As always though each to their own & nobody else's business.

It sounds as if OP gets on well with the GF and considers her a friend too. I could understand if you thought that an opposite sex friendship was at risk of becoming a romantic relationship, but obviously that is not the case here. It is just a friendship I give my friends gifts, phone them, message them and they do the same back - I see nothing odd about it at all.

sparklybead · 04/09/2024 21:05

What would I do? As you stated at the end of your OP: message him and check. It sounds like you don’t have a ticket this year.

I wouldn’t give it too much thought though, I’d buy a ticket for myself if I wanted to go, or not go. It doesn’t sound like you’re that bothered about going if you haven’t contacted him to check or bought a ticket.

ETA I’ve just seen you’ve finally contacted him.

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 21:09

AmyDudley · 04/09/2024 21:04

I find people being overly invested in opposite sex friendships & relationships with other peoples partners quite peculiar. Phoning, messaging, expecting gifts etc. All very odd in my eyes and I'm sure in the eyes of many. As always though each to their own & nobody else's business.

It sounds as if OP gets on well with the GF and considers her a friend too. I could understand if you thought that an opposite sex friendship was at risk of becoming a romantic relationship, but obviously that is not the case here. It is just a friendship I give my friends gifts, phone them, message them and they do the same back - I see nothing odd about it at all.

If my DH was sitting beside me then announced I'm going next door to call female friend for a chat & to arrange lunch & ask her what she wants for her birthday I'd think he'd taken leave of his senses 😂

beenwhereyouare · 04/09/2024 21:20

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 20:56

I find people being overly invested in opposite sex friendships & relationships with other peoples partners quite peculiar. Phoning, messaging, expecting gifts etc. All very odd in my eyes and I'm sure in the eyes of many. As always though each to their own & nobody else's business.

Why? OP is gay and not romantically interested in the friend; friend's gf has no problem with OP's friendship with him. You've never had a chat with a friend's OH? Even about an event like this? It's not as though it's a private event; there's a group of friends that attend together.

The friend has given OP a ticket without fail for 17 years- a birthday gift. It's a very well-established routine. It's not a case of CF; there's no entitlement. It's just that he always has and it's a tradition the two of them began, so if this year is different, why didn't he just say so?

You use terms like "overly invested", "peculiar", and even "odd". You presume that many people people feel the same way. Of course you are entitled to form your own opinion, but in this case, I don't understand your reasoning.

beenwhereyouare · 04/09/2024 21:20

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 20:56

I find people being overly invested in opposite sex friendships & relationships with other peoples partners quite peculiar. Phoning, messaging, expecting gifts etc. All very odd in my eyes and I'm sure in the eyes of many. As always though each to their own & nobody else's business.

Why? OP is gay and not romantically interested in the friend; friend's gf has no problem with OP's friendship with him. You've never had a chat with a friend's OH? Even about an event like this? It's not as though it's a private event; there's a group of friends that attend together.

The friend has given OP a ticket without fail for 17 years- a birthday gift. It's a very well-established routine. It's not a case of CF; there's no entitlement. It's just that he always has and it's a tradition the two of them began, so if this year is different, why didn't he just say so?

You use terms like "overly invested", "peculiar", and even "odd". You presume that many people people feel the same way. Of course you are entitled to form your own opinion, but in this case, I don't understand your reasoning.

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 21:25

beenwhereyouare · 04/09/2024 21:20

Why? OP is gay and not romantically interested in the friend; friend's gf has no problem with OP's friendship with him. You've never had a chat with a friend's OH? Even about an event like this? It's not as though it's a private event; there's a group of friends that attend together.

The friend has given OP a ticket without fail for 17 years- a birthday gift. It's a very well-established routine. It's not a case of CF; there's no entitlement. It's just that he always has and it's a tradition the two of them began, so if this year is different, why didn't he just say so?

You use terms like "overly invested", "peculiar", and even "odd". You presume that many people people feel the same way. Of course you are entitled to form your own opinion, but in this case, I don't understand your reasoning.

Show quote history

Nowhere did I read OP was gay(I may have missed it) and I didn't assume this was the scenario. This obviously changes the narrative although my thoughts remain the same in the context I added my post.

Ottersmith · 04/09/2024 21:32

thoonerismspread · 04/09/2024 20:48

Thank you-yes this was my thinking-a simple 'hi, I am not going to buy you a ticket for x this year because of y, so if you want to go please get your own, hope you still come!' would've been absolutely fine. I do not have a temper, I am not unapproachable, he knows me inside out.

Show quote history

Ok but he didn't buy you one this year. So move on and get your own! If you are such good friends why would you think he doesn't want you to go?

beenwhereyouare · 04/09/2024 21:34

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 21:25

Nowhere did I read OP was gay(I may have missed it) and I didn't assume this was the scenario. This obviously changes the narrative although my thoughts remain the same in the context I added my post.

Edited
Show quote history

Another poster asked if the OP fancied the friend. This is the reply:

thoonerismspread · Today 16:40

"I am the gayest thing that walked the earth and we've been friends almost 40 years. Nope."

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 04/09/2024 21:44

beenwhereyouare · 04/09/2024 21:34

Another poster asked if the OP fancied the friend. This is the reply:

thoonerismspread · Today 16:40

"I am the gayest thing that walked the earth and we've been friends almost 40 years. Nope."

Show quote history

🤦‍♀️😂Thanks beenwhereyouare. Sorry OP, I missed this. It's no wonder you felt sensitive about it all. I hope everything ends well 😊

LongTimeReading · 04/09/2024 21:50

DRTFT. I got to page 3 but my head was hurting too much. Is the OP now going to this event that she doesn't like? Who got the tickets (if any)?

newfriend05 · 04/09/2024 21:54

The girl friend has messaged you twice and tagged you in a social
Media post, you making this more then it is .. either buy your ticket or tell them your not going ..

ScruffMuffin · 04/09/2024 22:03

Ha ha, your last update is great! The million dollar question is... do you actually want to go?!

ThinWomansBrain · 04/09/2024 22:03

if he has bought them for you in the past, it wouldn't be weird to ask if he has before purchasing one.
If you speak to him frequently, why didn't you mention it after the conversation with the GF? - as in "GF mentioned tickets are going fast, just wanted to double check before I booked one that you hadn't booked for me when you got yours"

Now that she has mentioned it more than once, I'd just get on and buy your own.