To think this comment about women with no female friends is problematic?

[Newlifeincoming]

I saw a comment recently that said “women who don’t have any friends that are women are red flags. I don’t care what anyone says.”

I find this a bit troubling and potentially judgemental.

AIBU for thinking that this perspective is unfair and doesn’t account for individual circumstances or preferences? What do you think about this kind of statement?

If I socialise with people and have coffees and nice chats, are they friends or acquaintances? But for me, this completely fills any desire for anything more with other people outside of my husband and DC. I used to have more time and had friends generally though in younger days! I am in the trenches right now working, DC is a toddler, visiting family on weekends, housework, running errands - I’m pretty busy like many other people. But I always make time for MN.

One of my neighbours makes me chuckle.
She'll go out of her way to talk to a man, any man.
Always, looks away when a woman is out on the street.

Good for you for having boundaries and going where you found good company. So many people would have tried to make the bullies like them. I actually think women do talk about each other way more than they'd admit to also, even the 'nice' ones so the bitchy observation is correct not necessarily an internalised misogyny thing.

In my experience, they don't make good friends.
I befriended a girl with no friends and she royally shit on me.
She had no idea how to be a friend!
So In future, I will not entertain a friend in any female that had no friends, no training 👊

I much prefer male compact than female.
I do have several circles of female friends whom I love very much.
However, I prefer male company.. I'm married so it's not too flirt or for attention, just cause it's less hassle

Sounds like confirmation bias to me. I'm assuming that you talk about other people so assume all women do.

Internalised misogyny is the belief in negative stereotypes about women which you're doing by saying all women talk about others and are therefore bitchy. To call a woman a bitch is mysoginist, never mind smear all women with the same flaws. I find it unbelievable that you've never encountered a man that has talked about other people. Some of the biggest gossips I know are men.

It's women that help other women though when they really need it.
Men don't.

I think this is very true, it is in my experience.

99% of my close friends are male. I'm absolutely not a "pick me" girl. I'm happily married, and all but one of my male friends are married or in long term relationships. I have limited contact with their partners and they're all happy for me to be friends with their husbands. I'm not a threat.

I have a "typically" male hobby and interests, so naturally, I mainly socialise with men. I've always been the same - in school, uni, and in my first job I was the only woman on a team of 23 men. It was just the way it was. I certainly don't profess to be "one of the lads". I can't stand sport of any kind and I don't drink. I'm not "laddy". It has just fallen that way. (not saying all men are drunk football hooligans either 😂).

I do have a couple of close female friends, who are fantastic. If someone is nice to me and we get on well, then I'm happy to be friends with them. I don't care if they're male or female. If you're a woman in a male-dominated environment, why wouldn't you be friends with some of your acquaintances?

I find it more of a red flag if a woman is judging another woman for who they're mates with.

I have lots of female friends now as at my my age many are divorced and their kids are grown up so lots of time to play sport/socialise etc and not actively seeking exclusive coupledom.
I have one ‘friend’ who is hard work. She has no other female friends and periodically decides to ghost me. I just get on with my life and don’t get into any drama. She is 69, but has a superiority complex and thinks she is irresistible to men, but is is obsessively on dating sites and looking for ‘the one’ and is quite dismissive of other women. Her only other interests are constantly decorating her home and going her garden -solitary activities.
I feel sorry for her and see her from time to time but think she would have a far more fulfilled life if she spent more time nurturing female friendships that seeking the elusive man who will complete her life.

“However I imagine this comment is more directed to the type of women who say "I just get on better with men." "Women are too bitchy" etc. Which personally I do feel is a massive red flag as they clearly have some internalised misogyny”. Working in an office with bitching, moaning, backstabbing, two faced women can do that to you. 😂 I’ve gotten on better with men in that environment. Thankfully I’m out of it now and it was a very long time ago.

I work with someone who doesn’t shun women at all, but she’s really into her footie and rugby, she plays it, goes to matches. None of her friends do so she will naturally just speak to men about it, I personally can’t stand sport. A few of us occasionally go to the cinema together, but I find it difficult to have a conversation with her as it’s always bloody sport related, some of the other girls play tennis, go running etc. She’s lovely and definitely not a red flag.

I’ve always had mostly female friends outside of work, there have been male friends (nothing romantic).

Wow, 200 friends is a lot.

I am of the opinion that it depends on whether-

They struggle to make any friends, isolated, vulenrable, have no friends - they arent a red flag

They have views as stated by others that they are superior to being friends with other women, or will only be friends with men - I don't like this and I think these people have underlying issues, and they do tend to resolve through age and being healthier and happier. I know friends who have talked about being this way in the past and how insecure they were as a result of bullying and so isolised male friendships. I think we all learn sometimes that some of the men were never simply to be 'our friend' and want to get the goods.

I’ve said it before on this thread and elsewhere but I would far prefer people to only have male friends than not have friends at all.

I find the trend towards stubborn pride in not having friends other than your husband and family really disturbing. There are people who for various reasons struggle with friendships for whom I have sympathy.

But people who say they have their husband and that’s all they need really worry me. It’s utterly bizarre that people could not only be comfortable with this but actually advertise it.

If you prefer the company of blokes to chat with about football or gaming or whatever knock yourself out. Female friendships aren’t mandatory. I happen to think they are life enhancing but I can see they don’t work for everyone. I couldn’t care less who people hang out with, what sex they are and what they chat about as long as they have people outside the family who have their backs.

But convincing yourself that the healthy way to live involves shutting our everyone other than your spouse, children and siblings is really dysfunctional. We are not meant to live like this and for most people this leads to an isolated and unsatisfying life.

Completely agree @Thepeopleversuswork These are often the same people who will complain they don’t have any friends when they need some help due to their partner dying, leaving or mistreating them.

I guess each to their own but I think it’s pretty sad.

And a bit defeatist too because I get the impression some people who think like this deep down don’t believe they can find and maintain a healthy friendship.

It's a fairly meaningless generalisation and not worth all this thought to be honest.

If you reverse the statement and met a man who only had female friends how would you view him? If it’s a red flag then the statement you’re complaining about is accurate, if not then you’re right in not liking it.

@Rollorock

And a bit defeatist too because I get the impression some people who think like this deep down don’t believe they can find and maintain a healthy friendship.

Possibly. In some cases it’s obviously denial because they are people who struggle with friendships and you can usually tell this a mile off. I have more sympathy with this as it’s a defence mechanism.

What really scares me though is this pose some people on here take that friendship is somehow an unnecessary indulgence if you have a spouse, something you should give up when you get married. There’s a sense with these sorts of that it’s an immature thing which you ought to grow out of. This is not only incredibly self harming it’s damaging for society at large.

Friendship, of whatever form it takes and with a person of any sex, is hugely life affirming and can in some cases save your life. Anyone who thinks that can be wholly replaced by having a spouse is dangerously deluded.

Oh FFS.

I know🙄

Regarding women who only have their husband for a friend, I only have my husband for a friend, and have been judged for it. ‘Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket’, etc. I understand that but for some of us, even having one friend is a miracle. He’s my best friend and I’m grateful for him everyday. I think it’s likely true as PPs said that for those women who say you shouldn’t have friends once you’re married, maybe they feel ashamed of not having friends and are using that as a defence mechanism. It does make you feel like a reject. Regardless, I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to tell someone how many or how few friends they should have. We don’t know what someone has been through or what kind of struggles they have.

Yes this is my experience unfortunately. No qualms about targeting other women's partners and open about doing so.

@nomud

I agree it’s no one’s place to tell someone how many friends they should have.

I think what I find baffling (and I have said this before on here), is that it’s so much harder to form a romantic bond like a marriage than a friendship. If you have gone through the emotional rollercoaster of building a marriage why can’t you do the same thing with a friendship, which is far lower risk?

In my case it wasn’t harder, it was much, much, easier. He’s a very kind and understanding person. He doesn’t think I’m weird, he just accepts me as I am. I think I just got lucky as I’ve never felt like I could truly relax around anyone, not even family. Marriage hasn’t been an emotional rollercoaster for me (over 10 years on now).