To think this comment about women with no female friends is problematic?

[Newlifeincoming]

I saw a comment recently that said “women who don’t have any friends that are women are red flags. I don’t care what anyone says.”

I find this a bit troubling and potentially judgemental.

AIBU for thinking that this perspective is unfair and doesn’t account for individual circumstances or preferences? What do you think about this kind of statement?

Thanks. If I've come across as a bit 'over invested' it's probably because a lot of posters on here tend to jump on anybody that dares to question the accepted narrative by looking at the other side. It's easy to become defensive when people get snarky.

My points were mainly that the data paints an arguably different story from what most people assume/accept as 'truth' and that neither sex really comes out smelling of roses, although in aggregate most people are decent if not perfect.

I do think some branches of modern feminism (especially online) focus too much on the blame game and that non abusive men and women (the majority of the population) are best off working together to tackle the deviant minority rather than infighting.

I don't feel it's helpful to confront every male with "oh, but how do we KNOW you're not one of the bad ones. We have to assume you could be a rapist". You'd never leave the house if you applied this logic universally.

You think?

Personally, I'm bored to tears with the amount of 'strong female leads' I see in films/TV today whose only perceivable attribute seems to be being independent and sassy. As somebody pointed out in an interesting article (which I'm really annoyed I can't find again) it's rare that we see men portrayed this way outside of cardboard cutout action heroes.

Sherlock Holmes isn't 'strong'. He's wry, brilliant, aloof, occasionally arrogant, insightful yet reserved....many things but not just 'strong'.

I do think that. Yes. And there's a difference between representations of women in the media and how women are perceived and judged in real life.

Characters on TV don't have to do the whole justifying using full time child care in the same way for example

I had one girl appear in my social circle in my mid 20s. A couple of my (female) friends had met her when they were out in a bar, as she was with two guys they ended up talking to. It did cross my mind at the time it was weird she seemed to have no female friends and kind of came from nowhere but I just shook it off and welcomed her as a friend. Let me tell you - she wreaked absolute havoc in my friendship circle for the next decade! And I learnt exactly why she gets new friends every two years.

I’m definitely more cautious about opening my circle to friends with no discernible “friendship history” after that 😆 OTOH one of the kindest and most principled coworkers I’ve had, had no friends other than her sisters.

I wouldn’t judge someone for having no friends or no female friends but I do switch off when they start going on about how terrible women are and how cool men are.

I am also ND and I get how male friendships can be easier. Until I was 12 and sent to an all girls school most of my friends were boys. I didn’t have to work so hard to figure out all the unwritten social rules with them, we could just ride our bikes and play football. And even now as an adult one of my very best friends is a (married) guy .

So I do understand but at the same time I feel there’s a certain depth and richness I gain from my conversations with fellow women that I can’t get from most men. I think the type of woman that is happy with having only male friends is probably not going to be the friend for me, but I won’t necessarily think badly of her.

Well women can be all those things. Men can be abusive violent arseholes so they are not perfect either obviously.

I've met plenty of dickheads from both sexes. I try not to stereotype and generalise.

There's a difference between not having friends due to a set of circumstances and actively avoiding women and befriending men.
I've known quite a few women who clearly do not like other women; usually very nasty and belittling of other women & 'oh i'm one of the lads' that's a red flag type

I think the statement is pretty shallow. There could be many reasons why a woman has only male friends. Maybe she went to all girls school and was bullied badly, and lost confidence in approaching women for friendships. She becomes a people pleaser and attracts women in adulthood who are her friends for the convenience. She also meets men who are nice to her, may be out of interest in her, but they treat her better than any of her female peers did, so they tend to feel more comfortable with interacting with males.

Other reason could be growing up with oldet brothers, being shy. And ended up playing sports with brother and his friends and in adulthood repeating the same patterns in friendships.
Red flag has become such an every day word that anyone a little out of the normis a red flag for some people.

But people tend to generalise when they have too much of bad experience from one group of people, even if it is purely coincidental. Humans becomes, subconsciously, a bit irrational after a string of bad experiences.

As I said to the pp some women do behave that way though. You see many threads on here about the perils of friendship groups and their dynamics. I wouldn't refuse to be friends with someone on the grounds they are a woman but, these days, I would swerve being part of a group.

I think it's weird. I used to have mostly male friends, and now I have mostly female friends. You just make friends with who you make friends with 🤷🏻‍♀️

Obviously people generalise or you wouldn't have people dismissing 3bn people because they've encountered a few bad apples. If I said that I didn't like Asians because I had been bullied by some Asian people, I doubt I'd get much understanding or sympathy.

I have one real friend my other friends over the years have turned out to be self centred users out for their own benefit. I consider myself to be decent person who knows how to be a decent friend, i wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of anyone but people often take advantage of me, so I drop them. Does that make me a red flag, then? I do have boundaries, hence I end the friendships!

Fair point. And by now the 'strong female lead' is in many ways just another safe stereotype, a tickbox.

But the cynical part of me feels that society is evolving in spite of feminism rather than because of it. Similar to how it arguably wasn't the suffragettes that got the vote so much as times changing - the female war effort and other countries like Australia having already granted women the vote.

The only woman I knew with no female friends also said she didn't trust women and preferred the company of men. Continued to say she actively disliked a lot of women and thought they were "bitchy". Her marriage lasted 2 years and now apparently she is a lesbian...go figure. She was not a stable person at all so from that experience I'd agree with OP.

I would find it unusual for a woman to have no female friends whatsoever. Even just one or two close ones, then plenty of male friends as well.
But I can't imagine having the closeness one gets in a single sex friendship being as meaningful.
I've got plenty of male friends, but yeah, I have to say no female ones would look a little off to me.
But if they were enthusiastic to be friends with me then I wouldn't shun them based on that alone.

Is she with very feminine partner or more masculine? The dynamic can be different in intimate relationships, maybe she got along with men more because she herself has more masculine traits and can relate to straight men?

And 98% of ALL sex crimes are committed by men. But apparently, women are still worse?

🤣

It is all hilarious. Surely none of this is that deep. Just everyone be friends with who you want 🤷

Why would you say that?

Women aren't worse. This isn't about blaming one sex. My whole point is that the blame game achieves nothing and both sexes should work together against the violent minority of both sexes.

But yes men commit 98% of sex crimes whilst women commit the majority of child abuse (usually the mother) and according to most studies commit similar/maybe slightly higher levels of DV.

Neither sex is perfect so rather than this endless merry go round of blaming that feminists seem to love we should actually accept that we need to work together as members of the same society.

I don't think the poster is saying worse, just that women are impactive in their own way when it comes to such heinous crimes. I work in the justice system and I have focused solely on women's abuse of men in the past and the poster has a really valid point, one I never would have believed without seeing it for myself time and time again.

Thanks.

I never would've believed it either. 21yo me would've argued with my current self till the cows came home.

Sorry, what on earth? This is like telling a child "so what if you got scratched by a cat, don't you know there are dogs out there who bite people? Now go and pick up that cat to prove that you're not a horrible cat-hater!".

Trauma is trauma, and your lack of empathy here is shocking.

I am a walking red flag. I am also high functioning autistic. I grew up with brothers and I also did a hobby that traditionally attracts males, so my social time outside of school was also with boys and men.

Girls bullied and excluded me at school for being ‘different’. So rather than trying to fit in or figure them out, it was easier to hang out with the boys.

Today I have female friends and I am in a stable monogamous relationship. I still struggle to relax and be my authentic self in female company.

Nobody here can speak to anybody else's lived experience so I don't know where the defensiveness and 'get off my board!' is coming from, it's ridiculous.

We have our individual reasons for friendships. If there is a negative experience from engaging with a group of women (or men), it might well colour somebody's propensity (or lack of it) for engaging again.

Birds of a feather and all that, leave people to make the friendships they do without judging them or their reasoning. Again, it's women - not all women - but certainly some women overthink other people's actions and choices but to what end? Perhaps men (not all but some) are not very deep, or they just don't care?

Live and let live is such an underrated principle.