Cousin is having a child-free wedding… but he has children and his children won’t be there?!

[Whatdoyoureckonh]

My cousin had a crappy divorce. He has two children, aged 9 and 11, and is getting married again. I got the wedding invite the other day and just went on the website to have a look at the details and read that it’s a child-free wedding. I told my mum and she said that his own kids won’t be there.

Don’t you think that’s a bit crap?! To not invite your own kids to your wedding???

We found out the day after the wedding. Didn't even know they were engaged let alone getting married. Fun phone call to get. Some parents are shit.

I was the kid in this situation. Found out a little while later that they'd had a reception afterwards which all my cousins were invited to (they lived closer). That bit hurt most. My dad went on to cheat, divorce, and hasn't been great with his subsequent children either.

The last line just takes the cake. He couldn't be bothered with his kid, but other kids were invited and you're proud of this bit of nastiness. The two of you are delightful. I suppose at least you've been upfront about it, so his Mum knows and she can do what she can to protect her son from the two of you.

It's not good in my opinion.

Ok, so let's say best case scenario his kids don't want to go anyway - which is already an assumption - it doesn't matter at this moment. But when they are older, say adult age they might well have a different opinion. "Why didn't dad invite us to his wedding back then?"

Bit of a self esteem crusher.

@FamilyPhoto

Why "disgusting"? A toddler wouldn't remember or meaningfully participate.

Not everything has to revolve around children.

Heartwarming.

Couldn’t you have found a bloke that didn’t have kids?

If he only has his kids 20% of the time then he’s hardly father of the year

A toddler won’t be conscious of having been “excluded” from anything either.

But you'd think that major family events with huge implications for the children's lives might, you know - if not revolve around them - at least include them.

Then again, you could be on to something here. Other things that really need not revolve around children include family holidays, parents' birthdays, trips to the zoo and Christmas.

I mean, this whole 'kids are important' malarkey has got a bit out of hand, and it's time the pendulum swung back the other way.

If other family are invited they could find out years later that their cousin John was at the wedding and their cousins Mary and Jane were also there. That would be upsetting although not at the time.

School friend of my DD wasn't invited to her mother's wedding when she was a teenager. Broke their relationship for years, she decided to go and live with her father and stepmother. Her mother regretted it particularly when she saw how happy her DD was when she was invited to be the bridesmaid at her father and stepmother's wedding. He definitely got some brownie points there.

If he was a good dad he wouldn't be marrying someone who won't allow his children to be at their wedding.

And I’m sure that when the child gets older and realises that he wasn’t wanted at his dad’s wedding because of logistics and so that you could ensure that his dad could properly enjoy himself without being bothered by his child, it will probably make sense to him as well. Probably.

I’m not looking for anyone’s approval Bloody good job really.

How about when they will be conscious of that fact - as teens / adults?

They'd have to be pretty thin-skinned and self-centered to not realize that a toddler who doesn't even remember the wedding, and who would be a great deal of work on the day, was best left with a sitter.

It doesn't make the parents any less loving, to be of the opinion that children don't belong at adult parties and ceremonies. The kids aren't getting married, the couple is.

If they are of the mind that "we all are joining together," that's one thing, but if they are not, and many ARE not, then it's just an adult thing that tiny kids don't need to attend.

I do think it's mean after age 7 or so.

The fall-out from egotistical insta-ready photo weddings being the most important thing HAS already started and is arguably an even worse trope.

If you have friends/family who can’t control their kids don’t invite them. Not inviting any kids as they might make a slight sound and the focus needs to be 100% on bridezilla is indicative of the lots of negative cultural shifts that has nothing to do with kids.

Would it really bother them that they were not present at an event they are too young to remember especially if no other toddlers were there?

Kids get offended about all sorts. My youngest moaned for years about why I hadn't had him first as he didn't want to be the youngest. I felt that really wasn't my fault but didn't stop him complaining.

Not sure why this is now focusing on toddlers when the OP was talking about a 9 year old and an 11 year old.

Sounds like you are making a big deal out of nothing. Child free weddings are great and maybe they think kids will just annoy everyone, esp if it's a destination wedding or people are splashing out a lot of money to go.

Neither of my parents invited us ‘kids’ to their respective second weddings after they divorced. I was about 10 for my father’s and 27 for my mother’s! They both decided on small weddings with just close friends, no family.

It's crossed my mind thst another possibility is the children's mum being unhappy about it, so he's gone for no children at all rather than have other people's kids there, and not his.
People all have their own reasons for doing things.

@Ericsfurryface You can’t be serious? Oh that poor little boy

Thankful that my child will never have a stepmother.

“I wanted”

What did your DH want?

Is it really that weird to think weddings are an intimate thing between the bride and groom, and that it's a bit odd for children to watch their parents pledging themselves to someone who isn't their other parent?

If I was getting married again I'm not sure I'd want my dc watching it - they might get upset.

I'm also not convinced it makes someone a terrible parent if they want to focus on their partner at their wedding and not be looking after kids. It inserting imo to want to enjoy a day that costs an arm and a leg.

It's what happens afterwards that matters wrt the children - are they loved and made welcome in the home, given time and attention and supported? I don't think the wedding day itself has to be all important.