Misery loves company (New mums)

[Smurf1993]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago after years of infertility and I honestly couldn't be happier. For the first time in years I am not stressed, depressed and sick from IVF medication. I'm happy, healthy and sleeping and feel better than I have in years. This seems to piss other parents off and it's really getting me down.

When I was pregnant all the women at work my age and in other friendship circles with babies went on and on about how I would never sleep again, I'll never go out again and how I JUST CAN'T POSSIBLY be prepared for how hard it's going to be. I simply have NO IDEA how much my baby take over my entire body and existence. (It can't possibly trump 4 years of IVF on that front but moving on...) It's impossible to even have a shower or get dressed before 2pm according to many mums I know and getting out of the house is an hour long mission. It really felt like they were trying to ruin my excitement and make sure I knew how shit it was going to be.

My baby girl is here and I am SO SO HAPPY. The first few newborn weeks were really hard, obviously, but by around 4 weeks I'd found my feet and confidence in being a mum. Baby sleeps through the night and since having her my endometriosis and PCOS has settled so I feel fantastic. All the older women I know and health workers I interact with tell me how well I look and it's nice to finally see me happy and loving motherhood. All the women my age are SALTY AS FUCK that I'm not some exhausted, miserable, unwashed swamp monster that actually goes outside and lives life pretty much the same as before just with baby in tow. I don't even like talking about my baby with other mums because it soon just devolves into snide comments like WELL YOUR BABY SLEEPS SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS REALLY LIKE or YOU HAVE AN EASY BABY SO YOU DON'T GET IT or my favourite OH LUCKY YOU YOU HAVE A NICE BABY with evil eyes and a barely held back FUCK YOU.

I never bring her up, never gloat as I get that some people struggle and honestly I hate talking to other mums about her now because of how salty every one is but other mums ask about her alot. it's like they're looking for company in their misery and get angry when I'm not miserable. Does baby sleep through the night? Yes I'm really lucky. WELL FUCK YOU! Sorry was that the wrong answer? I just don't understand why other mums are so pissed off that I'm happy and enjoying motherhood?

Did other people find this? It's really getting me down tbh that I finally got my happy ending and everyone seems desperate to shit on it.

You seem angry yourself tbh. Just ignore people and enjoy your situation as it is at the moment.

Misery does love company, that's why there's a saying!

People are struggling and they find common ground with other people that are struggling. It's not really difficult to understand. If you'd made a serious of wonderful financial investments and were now really wealthy your friends relying on food banks wouldn't want to hear it. It's much the same with motherhood.

Chill out, enjoy your baby, don't worry about what other people say/do.

It agree it’s weird with parenthood how so many people want to tell you how shit it all is.
I have a toddler and find people constantly telling me “it gets harder”, normally with a smug grin on their face as if they are enjoying trying to make me miserable.
I was having a really bad day recently and bumped into someone I know. It was visible I was struggling that day (about to burst into tears) while explaining how my toddler was behaving. Immediately got a “they get worse! Hahaha!” With a full on laugh. Was that meant to be helpful? I could have slapped them.
I guess you just have to try and remind yourself you’re allowed to be happy and enjoy this time, even if other people don’t. And if you can avoid them, do.

Just ignore. Some people like the baby stage/toddler stage/preschool stage, some babies like being babies/weaning/crawling/whatever. Ime it’s best to roll with it and take enjoyment where you can because not all stages suit everyone.

There is a bit of competitive “just you wait til…” with young kids, where people are determined to piss on others’ chips. Just ignore.

But these people aren’t predicting doom and gloom, they’re struggling themselves now! The OP is absolutely allowed to be happy, but that doesn’t mean other people who are having a miserable time with mastitis, reflux or high-needs babies, are obliged to self-censor and pretend everything is lovely.

What@NuffSaidSam said, OP.

The four month sleep regression on my first was honestly one of the low points of my life. No, I didn't want to hear how other women were loving life. I didn't recognise my life, body or mind.

I do know what you mean. I had my child very young so got a lot of judgement for that anyway, but a certain group of women seemed absolutely viciously gleeful to tell me how ruined my life was now. I'll never sleep again, I'll never have money again, bye bye sex life, bye bye nice holidays, bye bye flat tummy and perky boobs, bye bye freedom.

These women all had kids and to be honest it absolutely terrified me because I was so young and so not ready really and they were supposedly experienced and knew what they were talking about. And they honestly seemed to enjoy it, the way they'd smugly relish telling me how hard my life was set to be now.

And then my daughter came along and made me so happy. None of their doomsday prophecies came true and I remember feeling so, so resentful that they'd made my pregnancy a time of misery and fear.

I suppose the other side of the coin is that it's good that people are honest about how parenthood isn't always a walk in the park. I guess it makes it less of a shock when things are tricky, just think there's got to be a nicer way to pre warn people.

But that was a different situation. They were predicting future horrors for you. The women the OP is talking about are having a tough time with their own babies now!

The fact is that early motherhood is so hard for some people that seeing someone appear to find it all very easy brings out their insecurities. They don't hate you or want you to fail, but their subconscious is screaming at them "look at her, she looks so healthy and happy and put-together, how come she can manage it and you can't? You're bad at this, you're failing, you're weak, you're a crap mum..."

Feel sorry for them, be glad you're not them, and ignore them.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby 😘

I pretty much agree!

Oh no they carried on long after she was born. They very much expected me to be suffering and were perplexed I wasn't. Constantly telling me the worst is yet to come, "wait until X phase then you'll get a reality check!" OR being snide with me because for whatever reason I'm not having the same struggles as them. You even see it on here any time anyone dares mention they have an easy baby: "wait until the terrible twos" "come back when you've had teenagers!" etc etc.

A vast majority of other mums are lovely and supportive, but there are a select few who are filled with doom and want everyone else to be right there along with them.

Just ignore them.

Do bear in mind that no one knows what’s around the corner with a baby - your sleep-through-the-night baby can still go through a sleep regression and take months/years to come out the other side.

Unfortunately having babies can bring out an ugly side in some women - snide comments, competitive, unsupportive with each other etc. Pick your friends wisely and learn to ignore the others.

If you were surviving on 4 hours sleep a night for months on end with a reflux baby, and had PND bought on by exhaustion you’d be feeling hateful thoughts too (been there, done that). I’m not proud of how angry and jealous I was of mums who weren’t going through the awful time I was. Particularly with their smug, judgmental remarks. Just be grateful you don’t need the support to get through it. Give it a few months and babies will be sleeping better, falling into routines and other mums probably sleeping better. They’ll hopefully be better company for you by then.

Absolutely this.

I have 5 and 1 grandson all of them were sleeping through the night before or defiantly by 6 weeks old! Never tell anyone that has a baby that! They will hate you just say they sleep ok mostly and change steer the conversation to something else. 🤣 people struggle with no sleep and it makes them unreasonable.

I was in the TRENCHES at that stage, so I'd have probably burst in to tears if I'd heard your baby is sleeping through! Mine didn't till 1 and it's still not a guarantee at 2. I do agree with you about the "just you wait" though, I hate that. I think it's unkind for those enjoying things and those struggling equally- I remember being so low and being told "oh it gets way worse just you wait" when he was about 5 months, waking hourly and only napping if I walked him in the sling (exhausted didn't cover it). I also haven't found it to be true, things don't necessarily get easy but for me things have certainly got better as I can now sleep, have dinner with my husband, I'm back at work, etc. I feel human again!

Ignore them, enjoy your bubble, you sound like you have an angel baby and you should certainly enjoy every bit of that!

I totally disagree. There’s absolutely a time for confiding in people in the same boat and share the challenges but I have found it to be totally overwhelming how negative people are. It’s almost competitive misery.
and if someone is in front of you, on the verge of tears because they’re finding it so hard, how is laughing about how much worse it gets meant to be helpful.

Those women are going through something incredibly hard, if you are so blissfully happy then why give a second thought to those people who are clearly struggling? You sound angry, too.

yes I was the same. I found Mummy groups tedious because people just complained.

People talk about their situation it is not all about you, if you are so happy then why on earth would others worry you

You sound way to intense

I agree with this. A lot of these women are suffering, their mental health is in the gutter - I know because I have been there.

If you are happy then enjoy it!

It depends on the group I suppose, lots of mums actively seek out baby groups because they're struggling and want support, so naturally people offload or the people who arent struggling read the room and dont harp on about it being easy. You say you don't talk much about it, but if they're reacting like this then surely you must be or how would they know? DS was a decent sleeper but best believe I didn't mention that at baby groups and instead offered a hug and some coffee. Many people don't feel comfortable offloading to friends and family so these groups are an outlet, they're not all the same though maybe try some others.

People do seem to love making others miserable. It's really weird. Of some I know with kids they seem to argue whether boys or girls are worse. It's odd how many people aren't supportive but competitive with each other.

The thing is people can’t win. For every post like yours - and you seem really angry, if you’re so happy why are you so angry? - there are more asking ‘why did nobody tell me how hard it is?’

lives life pretty much the same as before just with baby in tow.

Let us know how this goes when they're a toddler, when you return to work etc.