Misery loves company (New mums)

[Smurf1993]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago after years of infertility and I honestly couldn't be happier. For the first time in years I am not stressed, depressed and sick from IVF medication. I'm happy, healthy and sleeping and feel better than I have in years. This seems to piss other parents off and it's really getting me down.

When I was pregnant all the women at work my age and in other friendship circles with babies went on and on about how I would never sleep again, I'll never go out again and how I JUST CAN'T POSSIBLY be prepared for how hard it's going to be. I simply have NO IDEA how much my baby take over my entire body and existence. (It can't possibly trump 4 years of IVF on that front but moving on...) It's impossible to even have a shower or get dressed before 2pm according to many mums I know and getting out of the house is an hour long mission. It really felt like they were trying to ruin my excitement and make sure I knew how shit it was going to be.

My baby girl is here and I am SO SO HAPPY. The first few newborn weeks were really hard, obviously, but by around 4 weeks I'd found my feet and confidence in being a mum. Baby sleeps through the night and since having her my endometriosis and PCOS has settled so I feel fantastic. All the older women I know and health workers I interact with tell me how well I look and it's nice to finally see me happy and loving motherhood. All the women my age are SALTY AS FUCK that I'm not some exhausted, miserable, unwashed swamp monster that actually goes outside and lives life pretty much the same as before just with baby in tow. I don't even like talking about my baby with other mums because it soon just devolves into snide comments like WELL YOUR BABY SLEEPS SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS REALLY LIKE or YOU HAVE AN EASY BABY SO YOU DON'T GET IT or my favourite OH LUCKY YOU YOU HAVE A NICE BABY with evil eyes and a barely held back FUCK YOU.

I never bring her up, never gloat as I get that some people struggle and honestly I hate talking to other mums about her now because of how salty every one is but other mums ask about her alot. it's like they're looking for company in their misery and get angry when I'm not miserable. Does baby sleep through the night? Yes I'm really lucky. WELL FUCK YOU! Sorry was that the wrong answer? I just don't understand why other mums are so pissed off that I'm happy and enjoying motherhood?

Did other people find this? It's really getting me down tbh that I finally got my happy ending and everyone seems desperate to shit on it.

You sound more hard work than the women you're so aggrieved at.

Your baby is just 4 months old, so I really wouldn't be drawing any conclusions on you or anyone's babies, or mothering abilities, just yet

This is tough, I had a baby that slept through and was so placid. When talking to other mums whose babies wouldn't sleep or cried more, I felt like I had to be apologetic for my "easy" baby. That or find something that I wasn't enjoying about motherhood to share with the group.

It's different for me now she's a toddler as I actually do struggle with this stage! But I would never resent another mum if their toddler didn't tantrum (I might be jealous but on the inside 😂)

I thought this too tbh 🤭 all the talk of having "found her feet and confidence being a mum" and enjoying motherhood and a PP saying she's cracked it... as a mother of one 4-month old. It's not even started yet. 😆

But saying that makes me one of the toxic bitchy mums, I suppose?

I think I'm starting to see where the problem is, too. Sorry.

Anger and rage can be a symptom of postnatal depression/ anxiety. That might be something to look into.

There's also a lot of pressure (often self-inflicted pressure) on IVF parents to be happy and appreciative all the time. It's ok to be fed up/bored/angry just like any other parent who conceived naturally. Perhaps you are directing some of those feelings outwards.

I do think you’re being a bit premature. My second was a dream until she was about 4 months. Then she stopped sleeping and became well a bit of a handful to put it mildly. She only recently started sleeping more reliably and she’s nearly 4…

There are a lot of women who had infertility problems but faced with a difficult baby and do not feel grateful. It doesn’t mitigate the difficulties they experienced but there is this misconception that if you struggled to conceive you have to say how bloody wonderful parenting is. You can be grateful that the baby is here but also say it’s bloody hard work and that you don’t recognise your pre-baby life. Sting she can be as awful as she likes and you’ll be grateful tells me you have an easy baby. That’s great, I’m delighted for you but not every woman has an easy baby and comments like yours make women who have experienced infertility and aren’t coping feel like absolute shit.

Grateful is recognising that everyone’s journey is different and that we all handle difficulties differently. Sometimes one person’s difficulties don’t end after years of infertility, they can find the first few years suffocating and really struggling after longing for so long. You’re coming across as really smug and I can see why it’s getting people’s backs up. You’re getting people’s backs up on this thread and they’ve not even met you in real life. If you want people to stop pissing on your chips, I think you need to realise everyone has a different experience and even if you don’t mean to, you’re coming off as incredibly smug. If you want to keep the conversation going say she’s a good baby at the minute but I’m sure the same won’t be said when she’s a toddler and then try to emphasise. If you don’t want to keep the conversation going then don’t even answer the first question and walk past them.

All too often people end up asking these questions because the only reason you're all there at these groups is because you have babies, and you have to break through this painful small talk baby chit chat barrier before you find out whether you're actually compatible with someone as a friend. So yeah you ask about how they are sleeping, how they are finding feeding, when their baby was born blah blah. And if you can respond with empathy to whatever comes your way in these probably boring, sometimes upsetting, sometimes very helpful conversations, then you might move to the next stage and become friends with someone. So it's not necessarily that they are deliberately asking a question when they know the answer might upset them, it's because it's one of the few universal baby topics that is easy to throw out there at a stranger you just met at baby massage.

I had a chill baby and a relatively easy sleeper. I was able to say 'ooh yeah I can't complain, but those nights where he's on a mad one are rough aren't they' andI can't remember getting any snidey comments. If anything I found the opposite and a lot of parents were unbearably proud/competitive about how fabulous their baby was.

I was fortunate enough to read about this before I had DS1 and I stayed well away from them.

After three years of infertility I was determined to enjoy my baby. And yes, colic was tough but it became a regular part of every evening and was bearable. And it was over by 12 weeks. He slept for 7 hours every night by 8 weeks. And I had quite a few people saying the negative crap - people I knew and complete strangers! One lady stopped me in Tesco when he was fast asleep in the pram one afternoon and laughed and said ‘someone’s been awake all night!!’ I said no - he sleeps right through and then has a morning and an afternoon nap. I don’t think she believed me.

OP, just respond as seems most appropriate- cheery responses to strangers or people who aren’t currently struggling, and very careful, bland responses for those who are struggling.

I think you’re being unfair, I went through years of IVF and recurrent miscarriages and still found having a baby very hard.

I had a c-section and preeclampsia and then a colicky, high needs baby who didn’t sleep through until almost a year. No family nearby to help. Physically it was utterly brutal. Of course I love my daughter and being a mother, and though it was hard it wasn’t the sad hard of infertility. But I was at the limit of what I could endure physically.

Getting enough sleep is the magic bullet. It IS different if your baby sleeps through, simple as that. I was blessed with a baby who did. I have seen previously happy, easygoing, anxiety free friends completely destroyed and suicidal by lack of sleep after having babies. I still had PND but my life would have been a million times worse if she hadn’t slept well. I don’t think you’re in a position to judge, although appreciate it’s difficult when others are being negative about an experience you’re enjoying.

have they grown out of their first size is an interesting choice of a neutral/happy topic, because all the women I know were at least a little bit antsy until their babies had regained birth weight, and one friend was absolutely frantic about it after her daughter was seriously ill post birth.

This is a great post.

Another great post.

@Smurf1993 you should read what this poster has written. You could learn a lot.

Misery loves company. Well that was true for me, I was really miserable and I needed company. I had fertility struggles. But also an extremely difficult baby that barely slept and horrific PND.

I was aware what a gift he was and hated myself through and through for not being able to enjoy him like other mums enjoyed their babies.

People aren't pissing on your chips, they're
struggling. If you find talking to them annoying just smile, move on and continue to enjoy your baby. If you've got an easy baby then you can crack on and do loads of nice things while they're portable.

I've no idea what the 'toxic mummy culture' is and have never experienced it. I adore being a mum, being friends with other mums, and relating to them on the topic of motherhood. I find mum groups and circles to be full of empathy, support, humour and kindness.

Yes this - it's frankly weird that you're meeting so many 'salty as fuck' women - it's not something I experienced at all. Some people would have a moan sure, but I never felt like anyone was actively rooting for me to be unhappy, and even when I was really struggling myself my focus would be on getting through the day rather than giving much of a shit how anyone else was coping (although it was always reassuring/ comforting to know when others were finding similar aspects hard).

I do remember being pregnant and posting a thread on here asking if it really could be all that bad, as that's the message I also kept getting - but thinking about it that was mostly online. And as for 'mummy culture' whatever that is, again the only really negative elements of it I've encountered have been online too.

My DD is 4 now (she also arrived after years of fertility struggles) and I remember parts of the baby years as being incredibly hard, and other parts as being the most blissful times. Very much up and down, as it still is and as I imagine it will continue to be for the rest of my life as a parent. I can't imagine, even in the really hard bits, actively wanting another mum to be miserable and I'm sure nobody really wants you to be miserable either - and if they do then you're clearly mixing in the wrong crowds.

Op- they are asking because they want to find someone going through the same as them to empathise with them. They do not want to hear your baby sleeps through every night- trust me! Just smile, say something neutral like not too badly now thanks and move on....
Nb at 4 months I had a baby who slept the night-2 weeks later I had a baby who woke up screaming at what seemed like increasingly frequent intervals for the next couple of months until someone flipped a switch and he went back to sleeping perfectly. Sleep regression is a thing I hope won't happen to you- but don't be surprised if it does.

Gosh OP. Given that you can't see that people are trying to show you the other side of the coin tells me you should work on your emotional intelligence skills. Will come in handy when you have a screaming toddler or a stroppy teenager.

I had the same experience. For years at my work someone would go off and have a baby then come back and explain how awful the whole thing is (presumably they do actually love having kids too). There was a guy in particular that always stands out in my memory. He was sleeping on a camp bed on the floor of the nursery at one point then they had another baby and it just got worse. He literally never slept. The women who had babies at my work were the same, always saying how many times their baby had been up and saying to people like me that we should never have kids. I really braced myself for the worst. I didn’t know how I was physically going to cope with that.

I got an ‘easy baby’ and he slept 12 hours a night from 8/10 weeks. He had two naps a day too, the second one was often 3 hours. I felt calm and happy for the first time in years! I didn’t realise at first that I should keep this a secret and when asked, by people if I visited work for example, how my baby slept I would say yeah great! Every single time it was always ‘oh just wait til he teething! That will be a nightmare!’ Then when we seemed to dodge that one it was, ‘wait for the X month sleep regression’! None of it ever came. He’s 3 and hasn’t been up during the night ever (other than literally one or two nights being ill) in his life!

I’ve now got a second baby and of course got the build up to that of ‘I bet this one doesn’t sleep’! He’s 1 and guess what, I got another sleeper 😆 People refuse to believe these babies exist it seems, if they haven’t had that experience themselves. Now if anyone talks about their baby not sleeping I just nod and stay quiet. If I’m asked about mine I am as vague as possible and just avoid the subject. It’s weird though that it’s fully supported for everyone to tell potential mum/dad’s to be about how awful parenting can be and how you’ll never sleep again, but the second anyone tries to say that it might not be like that, they are accused of boasting. Yes people obviously want a realistic view of parenting before entering into it but why just scare everyone and make it seem like there’s no alternative? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry but you sound smug, even if you don't mean to. The friends that I posted about earlier said when the kids were much older about how careful they were not to rub our faces in 'how easy parenting a newborn was' . Dh and I were too stunned at their rudeness to correct them!

I get it OP. Not about having a baby but just people generally dragging you down deliberately. Unless you’re actually trying to be spiteful you aren’t doing anything wrong. Your baby sleeping doesn’t make their baby sleep less after all and you can still sympathise. I have this with a friend who is single, she’s upset when anyone mentions their DH. A passing comment like ‘DH and I are going away that week’ sets her off, there’s no logic to it at all.

For someone who is so happy you are coming across very angry. Maybe just relax a bit , they just had a different experience than you, all experiences are valid. You might be saying something different when you get to the toddler/teenager stage. I wouldn't get too far ahead of myself. 😉

I know what you mean that some new mums expect your life to be ruined. When I'd meet up with new mums a lot of it would be complaining and I'd just smile and commiserate and internal thank my good luck that I had an easy pregnancy, birth and baby.

Same once baby was a bit older where people talk about are they a good eater, health issues, milestones (though by that point there's less complaint but more complaining).

Just smile and move on.

Babies isn't the only area of life where this happens, it's just where people are tired and stressed so they complain a lot to bond.

I've found in any area where you find life easy and other people are finding it hard and question you hoping to find you're finding it equally hard so they can bond with you over that, well, there's an easy solution. Smile, commiserate and then move on with your happy carefree life.

It doesn't need to get you down. Quite the opposite in fact. I think other people's incessant complaining is really a reminder of how much luck has come our way and how many things not within our control, like health and easy circumstances, have worked out for us.

Hear the complaints, notice you're lucky and cherish your happy life.

4 months old…. That’ll be all.

I mean, I would have hated your guts tbh, what with my middle one who woke 10 times a night and then up for the day at 4am, basically til she was 3 😂

And yes, their misery does love company cos it actually makes you feel better when you know it's not just you.

Just ignore if you can't relate but don't belittle their misery

Why can't you just say 'ah we're really lucky she sleeps well, for now!'? Quite a few mums in my nct group had great sleepers and it was a non issue. If you're really coming across this much hostility there is something else happening, and the simmering anger that comes across in your posts is probably it 😂.