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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Misery loves company (New mums)

108 replies

Smurf1993 · 03/09/2024 09:42

I had my baby girl 4 months ago after years of infertility and I honestly couldn't be happier. For the first time in years I am not stressed, depressed and sick from IVF medication. I'm happy, healthy and sleeping and feel better than I have in years. This seems to piss other parents off and it's really getting me down.

When I was pregnant all the women at work my age and in other friendship circles with babies went on and on about how I would never sleep again, I'll never go out again and how I JUST CAN'T POSSIBLY be prepared for how hard it's going to be. I simply have NO IDEA how much my baby take over my entire body and existence. (It can't possibly trump 4 years of IVF on that front but moving on...) It's impossible to even have a shower or get dressed before 2pm according to many mums I know and getting out of the house is an hour long mission. It really felt like they were trying to ruin my excitement and make sure I knew how shit it was going to be.

My baby girl is here and I am SO SO HAPPY. The first few newborn weeks were really hard, obviously, but by around 4 weeks I'd found my feet and confidence in being a mum. Baby sleeps through the night and since having her my endometriosis and PCOS has settled so I feel fantastic. All the older women I know and health workers I interact with tell me how well I look and it's nice to finally see me happy and loving motherhood. All the women my age are SALTY AS FUCK that I'm not some exhausted, miserable, unwashed swamp monster that actually goes outside and lives life pretty much the same as before just with baby in tow. I don't even like talking about my baby with other mums because it soon just devolves into snide comments like WELL YOUR BABY SLEEPS SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS REALLY LIKE or YOU HAVE AN EASY BABY SO YOU DON'T GET IT or my favourite OH LUCKY YOU YOU HAVE A NICE BABY with evil eyes and a barely held back FUCK YOU.

I never bring her up, never gloat as I get that some people struggle and honestly I hate talking to other mums about her now because of how salty every one is but other mums ask about her alot. it's like they're looking for company in their misery and get angry when I'm not miserable. Does baby sleep through the night? Yes I'm really lucky. WELL FUCK YOU! Sorry was that the wrong answer? I just don't understand why other mums are so pissed off that I'm happy and enjoying motherhood?

Did other people find this? It's really getting me down tbh that I finally got my happy ending and everyone seems desperate to shit on it.

OP posts:
theintern · 03/09/2024 19:57

None of my children have been good sleepers - and my IVF twins are particularly horrendous - and I'm a single mother....I can honestly say I've never felt angry bitchy or "salty" when another mother (of a single baby!) has said how well their baby sleeps I usually have the upmost admiration that they have their baby in a routine and have their shit together in ways I may not have. But I don't grumble about it or be mean.

I think you are perhaps seeing something that isn't there - I can't imagine that you come across this saltiness or anger as much as you make out? In 8 years of parenting I've certainly never experienced it either directed at me or anyone else I know

Original poster
Smurf1993 · 03/09/2024 21:47

Every one saying she might be a difficult toddler like it's a gotcha! are missing the point.

She might be a difficult toddler and that's fine. What I won't be doing in that situation is making sure all the mums enjoying toddlerhood know that actually they're supposed to be struggling and they're smug/boasting if they're happy. That is the point of this thread, and many replies have absolutely proven my point as well as made many disparaging comments about despite not even knowing me instead of just discussing the topic.

So thanks all, I got my answers and won't be back. Bye!

OP posts:
Yazzi · 03/09/2024 22:36

Guess we're just ToxicMumsnet 😂

angeldelite · 03/09/2024 22:38

I think you’ve shown that you’re not above misrepresenting things yourself, OP.

NewName24 · 03/09/2024 22:58

angeldelite · 03/09/2024 22:38

I think you’ve shown that you’re not above misrepresenting things yourself, OP.

Yup

Mummyindublin · 04/09/2024 06:35

Smurf1993 · 03/09/2024 21:47

Every one saying she might be a difficult toddler like it's a gotcha! are missing the point.

She might be a difficult toddler and that's fine. What I won't be doing in that situation is making sure all the mums enjoying toddlerhood know that actually they're supposed to be struggling and they're smug/boasting if they're happy. That is the point of this thread, and many replies have absolutely proven my point as well as made many disparaging comments about despite not even knowing me instead of just discussing the topic.

So thanks all, I got my answers and won't be back. Bye!

Op, I totally get everything you said here. I'm sorry others seems to have taken it up incorrectly.

Like you, I now have my gorgeous little one after years of IVF and loss... I'm so so grateful for my baby, I think that's the point others have missed...

Sure, parenting can be tough, but like other situations in life some find comfort in sharing war stories and complaining in unison.

For those of us who've taken the long (long long) road to parenthood, all the shitty parts are overshadowed by the pure feeling of joy...sure tantrums and Poonamis are not fun but I am so blessed to have my longed-for baby.

I found it so tough listening to other new mums constantly complaining about their babies...but I then began to feel sorry for them - they were missing out on some precious moments.

Alina3 · 05/09/2024 09:12

itsamilonex · 03/09/2024 15:30

I had the same experience. For years at my work someone would go off and have a baby then come back and explain how awful the whole thing is (presumably they do actually love having kids too). There was a guy in particular that always stands out in my memory. He was sleeping on a camp bed on the floor of the nursery at one point then they had another baby and it just got worse. He literally never slept. The women who had babies at my work were the same, always saying how many times their baby had been up and saying to people like me that we should never have kids. I really braced myself for the worst. I didn’t know how I was physically going to cope with that.

I got an ‘easy baby’ and he slept 12 hours a night from 8/10 weeks. He had two naps a day too, the second one was often 3 hours. I felt calm and happy for the first time in years! I didn’t realise at first that I should keep this a secret and when asked, by people if I visited work for example, how my baby slept I would say yeah great! Every single time it was always ‘oh just wait til he teething! That will be a nightmare!’ Then when we seemed to dodge that one it was, ‘wait for the X month sleep regression’! None of it ever came. He’s 3 and hasn’t been up during the night ever (other than literally one or two nights being ill) in his life!

I’ve now got a second baby and of course got the build up to that of ‘I bet this one doesn’t sleep’! He’s 1 and guess what, I got another sleeper 😆 People refuse to believe these babies exist it seems, if they haven’t had that experience themselves. Now if anyone talks about their baby not sleeping I just nod and stay quiet. If I’m asked about mine I am as vague as possible and just avoid the subject. It’s weird though that it’s fully supported for everyone to tell potential mum/dad’s to be about how awful parenting can be and how you’ll never sleep again, but the second anyone tries to say that it might not be like that, they are accused of boasting. Yes people obviously want a realistic view of parenting before entering into it but why just scare everyone and make it seem like there’s no alternative? 🤦🏼‍♀️

My son didn't sleep for longer than 45m at a time for the first 6m until we sleep trained, nearly killed us honestly. Whenever I used to hear of people with sleepers I would just feel very pleased for them! Good for them! Every baby is different so of course our experiences will all be different :)

Cornflakes44 · 05/09/2024 09:23

Nagatha · 03/09/2024 09:53

It agree it’s weird with parenthood how so many people want to tell you how shit it all is.
I have a toddler and find people constantly telling me “it gets harder”, normally with a smug grin on their face as if they are enjoying trying to make me miserable.
I was having a really bad day recently and bumped into someone I know. It was visible I was struggling that day (about to burst into tears) while explaining how my toddler was behaving. Immediately got a “they get worse! Hahaha!” With a full on laugh. Was that meant to be helpful? I could have slapped them.
I guess you just have to try and remind yourself you’re allowed to be happy and enjoy this time, even if other people don’t. And if you can avoid them, do.

I also hate this! It's always older women who say 'you wait until their teens!'. I'm like ok, let's swap. You have my 1 and 3 year olds for the weekend and I'll take your teens who are probably out most of the time anyway. Really fucks me off.

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