Misery loves company (New mums)

[Smurf1993]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago after years of infertility and I honestly couldn't be happier. For the first time in years I am not stressed, depressed and sick from IVF medication. I'm happy, healthy and sleeping and feel better than I have in years. This seems to piss other parents off and it's really getting me down.

When I was pregnant all the women at work my age and in other friendship circles with babies went on and on about how I would never sleep again, I'll never go out again and how I JUST CAN'T POSSIBLY be prepared for how hard it's going to be. I simply have NO IDEA how much my baby take over my entire body and existence. (It can't possibly trump 4 years of IVF on that front but moving on...) It's impossible to even have a shower or get dressed before 2pm according to many mums I know and getting out of the house is an hour long mission. It really felt like they were trying to ruin my excitement and make sure I knew how shit it was going to be.

My baby girl is here and I am SO SO HAPPY. The first few newborn weeks were really hard, obviously, but by around 4 weeks I'd found my feet and confidence in being a mum. Baby sleeps through the night and since having her my endometriosis and PCOS has settled so I feel fantastic. All the older women I know and health workers I interact with tell me how well I look and it's nice to finally see me happy and loving motherhood. All the women my age are SALTY AS FUCK that I'm not some exhausted, miserable, unwashed swamp monster that actually goes outside and lives life pretty much the same as before just with baby in tow. I don't even like talking about my baby with other mums because it soon just devolves into snide comments like WELL YOUR BABY SLEEPS SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS REALLY LIKE or YOU HAVE AN EASY BABY SO YOU DON'T GET IT or my favourite OH LUCKY YOU YOU HAVE A NICE BABY with evil eyes and a barely held back FUCK YOU.

I never bring her up, never gloat as I get that some people struggle and honestly I hate talking to other mums about her now because of how salty every one is but other mums ask about her alot. it's like they're looking for company in their misery and get angry when I'm not miserable. Does baby sleep through the night? Yes I'm really lucky. WELL FUCK YOU! Sorry was that the wrong answer? I just don't understand why other mums are so pissed off that I'm happy and enjoying motherhood?

Did other people find this? It's really getting me down tbh that I finally got my happy ending and everyone seems desperate to shit on it.

My first baby was like this - the gateway drug of babies. I just down played how easy he was, but I didn't find people were being awful to me at all.

Enjoy your daughter and show some sympathy to other new mums who are having a harder time than you is my advice.

I was really happy when I had my first baby but I was also an ‘exhausted, miserable, unwashed swamp monster’! New mums are all usually just doing their best. Comparison is always best avoided, preferably with vague comments, for example I barely ever talked about breastfeeding - the sight of which must have made me look proper smug - despite finding it the most difficult experience of my life when I certainly could have used a shoulder to cry all over. Or even just a not dismissive health visitor.

Congratulations on your baby by the way! It must have been a really difficult four years prior to her birth and you deserve every happiness.

I had really easy babies. You just say something like 'not too bad thanks', there's no need to tell someone who has been up every hour that your baby sleeps like a dream.

I have a one year old and three year old that don't sleep now and really appreciate it that mum friends don't rub my face in it! (Although I think my friends who had especially colicky babies are a tiny bit glad it's my turn now 😂).

You're not wrong.

If things are going well as a parent, it's wise to stay quiet.

If you've managed to get a sleeper, or helped your baby learn to sleep well, don't say anything.

If your kid enjoys vegetables, don't say anything.

If you eschew screen time, don't say anything.

There's been a very interesting cultural change over the past decade of 'slummy mummy' 'wine mom' etc. where you're expected to do the bare minimum of parenting, rely on alcohol, get looked down on if you put a bit of lippy on at the nursery gate. I had a fellow mother laugh in my face when SHE asked ME what we were having for lunch after swimming and I said spag bol. She scoffed and said oh wow you must have a lot of free time, mine is lucky if they get a yoghurt and a bag of quavers.

There's also a lot of resentment if you're coping okay and especially if you have free time or hobbies. Some will be absolutely enraged if your toddler is asleep by 7pm each night and you get an evening to chill out, go see friends, engage in hobbies etc.

I've noticed you're very much expected to have the baby and then become nothing but mum, lose all of your old self, not advance at work anymore, drop your hobbies, sack off your pre-child friends, tolerate crap sleep forever until the baby magically figures out how to sleep, revolve everything around them. If you appear to be doing pretty well and loving parenting, getting lots of rest, and having a wider life then the jealous will absolutely take note and make awful comments and push you out while they flock to one another to drink prosecco at a playdate and see who can competitively have the wildest kid.

Pay no mind, enjoy your life, you've cracked it and if you're able to enjoy your child and life then you've hit jackpot and deserve to appreciate it.

Bear in mind you have an entirely different perspective because you've already been through such a hard time to even get to motherhood. I have noticed those who had to go through hell to get their baby do tend to be more appreciative and enjoy them and adapt to their life changing, while those who sailed into it can be a bit more resentful.

Wow that's the nastiest and bitchiest thing I've read in a long fucking time. Bet you're a pleasure to be around. One of the nasty mums at mum groups per chance?

You don't know me at all, I'm obviously here to vent and using caps because I can't find the italics and to break up the writing to make it clear what I am saying at what other people are saying. People who know me on real life know I'm nothing like you portray so jog on with your spite.

my babies were great and I never struggled , one ‘friend’ ’ was not at all happy about it

Bear in mind you have an entirely different perspective because you've already been through such a hard time to even get to motherhood. I have noticed those who had to go through hell to get their baby do tend to be more appreciative and enjoy them and adapt to their life changing, while those who sailed into it can be a bit more resentful.

I dunno. I do know some women who have found that to be the case, but I also found that some of the women I know who struggled the most were those who had struggled to have their babies. I think they were expecting that everything would be perfect once they had their baby in their arms, and of course that's not how it goes - colic, reflux, broken sleep, they're shit no matter what life looked like before.

Also, as someone who conceived easily and had an easy pregnancy and then struggled when the baby was here I think it's important to say that I wasn't resentful - I was struggling. It was bloody hard having a baby who couldn't be put down and woke multiple times a night.

OP, parenting is a marathon not a sprint. There will come a time when you struggle with some aspect, whether it's sleep or weaning or tantrums or school or the teen years. We all have easy and hard patches, because no one's life is perfect, including our DC. When you're in a rough patch those who are sailing through won't be your favourites either, it's human nature.

To everyone who keeps telling me have empathy for the mums not sleeping etc. I have all the empathy in the world for them! Being tired is awful, It was awful when I wasn't sleeping with a newborn. I purposely don't ask tired looking mums if their baby is sleeping well because it seems rude.

The difference is, I don't care if their kid sleeps or not. It's them that specifically asks me how my baby sleeps then get angry when I say she sleeps well. I don't ask people whether their baby sleeps because it's clearly a touchy subject as is feeding which is another topic I avoid and I'm not interested, I'm interested in what they like, have they grown out of their first size, do they have any cute little quirks etc. the happy things. Actually I don't bring up babies or children at all because I don't like the toxic mummy culture and try to steer the conversation to other things but I can't seem to get away from it.

I just don't get it? Why would you ask about something if you know there's a possibility the answer will make you angry?

My first five months with my eldest were stupidly sleep deprived. I honestly thought I might die, I was so unwell with exhaustion and felt so terrible about myself. Then at 5 months I gave in and started cosleeping and life has been bliss since then.

When I had my second, I can honestly say it was easy and perfect from day 1, and I love being a mum to small children.

However, I'm very glad that my experience of the first five months with my eldest taught me to be humble. Some of my mum friends are still having multiple wake ups every night 18 months in. A close friend of mine had a spell a few months ago where her just over 1yo was up every single hour wanting to BF.

I've had friends, some I don't even know that well, crying to me over how terribly exhausted they feel, how they feel they're doing everything badly, their mental health is suffering, all the rest of it

Do you think I tell them how I'm having a fab time and everything is hunky dory in my household? Do I tell them that my youngest did 6 hour stretches from 5 weeks old, and both my children have been doing 12 hour uninterrupted sleeps extremely reliably from 6 months old? No!!!

Obviously I don't lie and pretend I'm sleep deprived too. But all they ever need to know is my children's sleep is "not too bad, thanks"

"Misery loves company" feels an unkind way to describe my friends, who are wonderful people. They don't want other people to be miserable, they're just having a hard time and likely feeling (misplaced) guilt for feeling so low during a time they will never get back with their child.

Because when you're at home with a baby who refuses to sleep, those baby classes are the most likely place to meet people in the same shitty boat.

I've reread your OP and it doesn't even read like they're actually saying anything rude or in an angry way.

I am not smug, I see my baby as a gift I never thought I would have and she can be as awful as she likes I don't care I'm just bloody grateful she's here. Not smug, grateful.

I don't tell them unless they ask. If they don't want to know they shouldn't ask.

I think we are beginning to understand what the problem is in this scenario

No, they shouldn't. But they do, which means the issue has become your problem regardless of whether it should be. And this is why the answer to your question about what you should say when asked is to downplay what a good sleeper the baby is.

You may not intend it or realise it, but that does read as smug. It's important that you realise that those other mums love their babies just as much as you, their babies are just as precious if they were conceived the first month as if they took a decade.

The love doesn't change the fact that it's bloody hard. Those women are demonstrating such incredible love for their children, running themselves into the ground, picking the baby up again when they woke 42 minutes after they were put down at 2am. It's ok to have a wee moan about it being hard.

The thing is OP, they're right. You dont have any idea how tough it can be. It's great that you're loving life, and your baby sleeps through and is easy. But you must realise that not everybody is so fortunate?

You are lucky to have such as easy baby.

OP is the issue not that you don't care about these women and don't see them as your comrades? You said you don't care about their kids sleep or feeding problems you only want to hear happy things about the babies. To me this says you don't care about the mothers as people at all. That's fine, but I'm not sure a mothers group is necessarily what you need in that case.

On a similar note, I conceived both my babies first time. For my first, it was the first month I used an OPK to make sure I knew when I was ovulating, had sex accordingly job done. My second baby was conceived the first cycle after my periods returned after baby #1, and we had sex literally one time that month.

You would not be able to waterboard that info out of me in front of other mums. And I have had people ask how my TTC journey was - my answer is always "we got on alright with it luckily". Because imo, if people are asking you about something it's very often because they're struggling/struggled with that topic themselves. I would be absolutely mortified to tell someone how easy I had XYZ for them then to reveal they were really struggling with it.

Ditto with the fact that my pregnancies and births were really, really easy. No one WANTS me to have had a bad time, but they also don't want to hear about my easy breezy life when they're struggling with coming to terms with a difficult birth or pregnancy.

I'm obviously here to vent and using caps because I can't find the italics and to break up the writing to make it clear what I am saying at what other people are saying

Well that’s not true because you’ve used caps for your own words and the other women’s words. E.g. ‘the women my age are SALTY AS FUCK’ and ‘WELL FUCK YOU’ and ‘WELL YOUR BABY SLEEPS SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS REALLY LIKE or YOU HAVE AN EASY BABY SO YOU DON'T GET IT ’

I can relate, in that I had an easy baby who was a good sleeper. I can relate, in that my precious baby was born after many years of infertility, IVF, etc. I can relate, in that other new mums seemed often more stressed and tired and finding difficult than I was (in that particular stage). And that all we spoke about was sleep, and how careful those conversations were.

What I can't relate to, is considering those other mums miserable or angry at me, or resenting them for bringing up the topic of sleep even though it's delicate and causing them great difficulty.

I wonder if you're projecting a bit here, OP. I think you're anticipating them being angry, which is making you defensive. I think this possibly comes a lot down to this:

Actually I don't bring up babies or children at all because I don't like the toxic mummy culture and try to steer the conversation to other things but I can't seem to get away from it.

I've no idea what the 'toxic mummy culture' is and have never experienced it. I adore being a mum, being friends with other mums, and relating to them on the topic of motherhood. I find mum groups and circles to be full of empathy, support, humour and kindness.

I think you have a lot of pain and resentment from what you've been through and maybe need to look at that. You don't want to go through these special years full of resentment and prickliness at other mums. It would be such a waste.

People who are struggling can also, and invariably are, grateful too, such an odd view and comment.

Agreed, I conceived whilst on birth control and we discussed whether we wished to even proceed with the pregnancy, I would never mention this to anyone in real life, let alone those struggling. If someone asked I'd say similar to you.

Just enjoy it and ignore others around you. I've just had DC2 after six years of fertility treatment and 6 rounds of IVF. There's a real difference in how I cope with this baby compared to DC1. Last time, I barely left the sofa for the first 6 weeks because I was just exhausted. DC1 didn't sleep and breastfeeding was painful and just utterly horrible. We supplemented with bottles but that didn't make my nipples heal any faster or the ensured that the baby slept for more than 20 minutes at a time.

This time round, I was out and about again straight away. DH left us just before DC2 was born, so my stress levels were quite high from the start and the staff at the hospital made sure I was able to leave before the person looking after DC1 went on holiday.
I made sure to sit and relax a lot in the first few weeks, though and DC1 is luckily old enough to not need constant supervision. The weather helped and I just sat outside a lot. DC2 naps in the garden, which helps with sleep as well (DC1 was a December baby). I've had my midwife come round regularly to check up on the baby and support us where needed.
I'm honest about it when people ask. Not in a boastful way but more that luckily, DC2 is a much easier baby for now. That might still change. I haven't had anyone be jealous about it, possibly because most people I know also know about the situation with DH. Breastfeeding is working much better this time round and as an older mum, I get much less stressy about things than I did first time round.
Just enjoy. :) You might get a really tricky toddler...

The way you write comes across as smug and contemptuous towards Mums who are struggling. ‘Salty as fuck’?? I mean to say that about someone indicates that they’ve been really off with you? They can’t possibly be that off with you just because you’ve said your baby sleeps. I’m sure it’s not your aim but I can see why you may be putting their back up.

The few months PP, many women’s mental health is at rock bottom. They are asking you the question because they’re hoping for some empathy. You may be lacking this so I suggest you just smile and say ‘not too bad’ and change the subject. Plenty of other things you can talk about.

Oh and all babies are gifts, regardless of how they were conceived.

All babies are a gift. Doesn’t mean that it can’t be tough. it can be tough for a variety of reasons, some empathy wouldn’t go amiss.

You do sound smug, and angry. That might not be your intention, but that’s how it comes across.