Misery loves company (New mums)

[Smurf1993]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago after years of infertility and I honestly couldn't be happier. For the first time in years I am not stressed, depressed and sick from IVF medication. I'm happy, healthy and sleeping and feel better than I have in years. This seems to piss other parents off and it's really getting me down.

When I was pregnant all the women at work my age and in other friendship circles with babies went on and on about how I would never sleep again, I'll never go out again and how I JUST CAN'T POSSIBLY be prepared for how hard it's going to be. I simply have NO IDEA how much my baby take over my entire body and existence. (It can't possibly trump 4 years of IVF on that front but moving on...) It's impossible to even have a shower or get dressed before 2pm according to many mums I know and getting out of the house is an hour long mission. It really felt like they were trying to ruin my excitement and make sure I knew how shit it was going to be.

My baby girl is here and I am SO SO HAPPY. The first few newborn weeks were really hard, obviously, but by around 4 weeks I'd found my feet and confidence in being a mum. Baby sleeps through the night and since having her my endometriosis and PCOS has settled so I feel fantastic. All the older women I know and health workers I interact with tell me how well I look and it's nice to finally see me happy and loving motherhood. All the women my age are SALTY AS FUCK that I'm not some exhausted, miserable, unwashed swamp monster that actually goes outside and lives life pretty much the same as before just with baby in tow. I don't even like talking about my baby with other mums because it soon just devolves into snide comments like WELL YOUR BABY SLEEPS SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS REALLY LIKE or YOU HAVE AN EASY BABY SO YOU DON'T GET IT or my favourite OH LUCKY YOU YOU HAVE A NICE BABY with evil eyes and a barely held back FUCK YOU.

I never bring her up, never gloat as I get that some people struggle and honestly I hate talking to other mums about her now because of how salty every one is but other mums ask about her alot. it's like they're looking for company in their misery and get angry when I'm not miserable. Does baby sleep through the night? Yes I'm really lucky. WELL FUCK YOU! Sorry was that the wrong answer? I just don't understand why other mums are so pissed off that I'm happy and enjoying motherhood?

Did other people find this? It's really getting me down tbh that I finally got my happy ending and everyone seems desperate to shit on it.

You went through infertility and IVF, so when you were going through that and someone said “my husband just has to look at me and I’m pregnant”, how did you feel? Were you able to carry on conversations with them? Did you want to lash out? Did you ever actually lash out and tell them how insensitive they were? People wouldn’t blame you if you did. Did you go home and cry because you felt so shit, so incapable of doing something that everyone else found so easy? Could you engage with every pregnancy announcement, every gender reveal? Could you listen to your friends talk about their pregnancies or their babies without feeling a part of you was missing? If you could engage with your friends on their babies could you listen to what they were saying about postpartum, the division of work without thinking to yourself “she’s so ungrateful, doesn’t she know how lucky she is?”

That’s now how everyone who has a baby who won’t sleep feels. That’s how everyone with a baby with CMPA or reflux or colic feels when you say she’s a happy little baby and feeds well. That’s how every mum who has lost her identity and is now just reduced to ‘mummy’ feels.

As a general rule if something is going well, you just say “it’s going OK” you don’t mention that they’re sleeping through the night unless it’s to a health visitor. Because you never know when something will change, it’s almost like jinxing it because there is a sleep regression looming at every milestone, and you don’t know where someone else is at.

Or people talk about good things 'they are bragging and trying to make me jealous' if they speak of bad things 'they are scaremongering and now I am all anxious'

Congratulations!! Amazing news you’ve got a healthy baby and your health has improved.

ive had a child who didn’t sleep more than 3 hours in a row for months and then months later sleeps from 9-7 through. My parenting didn’t change, my child just developed. I want you to know that mentally it was extremely hard to have no sleep, function and have no support. With no idea if it would ever get better. I loved my child but I didn’t enjoy every moment because I was so exhausted. I feel like a totally different person with sleep.

i think people are struggling and need reassurance for others in similar positions. They shouldn’t be mean to you but equally your experience is totally different. Imagine the physical toll of IVF but no sleep or time to recover for months after- you might not be the best version of yourself.

to tired insecure new parents perhaps you appear smug? Like their own projections. I’d just avoid those and find your own people who share values and have sleeping kids!

OPs situation sounds the same to me:

"When I was pregnant all the women at work my age and in other friendship circles with babies went on and on about how I would never sleep again, I'll never go out again and how I JUST CAN'T POSSIBLY be prepared for how hard it's going to be. I simply have NO IDEA how much my baby take over my entire body and existence. (It can't possibly trump 4 years of IVF on that front but moving on...) It's impossible to even have a shower or get dressed before 2pm according to many mums I know and getting out of the house is an hour long mission. It really felt like they were trying to ruin my excitement and make sure I knew how shit it was going to be."

YANBU OP. Some people love to try and drag others down.

Best to ignore them and give your time to people who aren't like that.

Congratulations on your daughter OP!

I also experienced years of infertility (and surgical interventions) but the first few months of my DS' life did hit me like a ton of bricks.

OP, ask yourself this question: how did you feel when people were happily announcing pregnancies when you were in the pits of the infertility struggles? Were you happy to hear them go on and on about prams and bibs and cute newborn outfits? I know I wasn't. So now this is how these exhausted, mentally bruised new mums are looking at you. You are now the "happy" one. So enjoy it and find someone like you instead of being surprised why others are just not feeling what you're feeling.

Enjoy it all while you can 🤷🏻‍♀️ Everyone struggles with different parts of parenting and while your friends and colleagues might have struggled with the baby years, maybe they'll enjoy the primary school years more while you might really struggle with that. And that's fine. They shouldn't be judging you for loving life with a baby (how utterly ridiculous) and you shouldn't judge them for not having loved it.

I loved the baby years with my first despite the significant lack of sleep - DC was just a smiley and delightful baby. We struggle a lot more now and I'm not enjoying it as much, but this too shall pass!

Whilst I can't help but roll my eyes a bit at your remarks on sleep, I have been having this very rant in my head recently.

Because I had a couple of really awful periods in the run up to motherhood (a period of acute and horrifying anxiety and Long COVID), and it was actually triggering to be endlessly told how awful and hard my life was going to be.

Waking up and staying up in the night with a baby - yeah, rough but worth it.

Waking up at 4am feeling instantly terrified and spending all day fighting palpitations and obsessive thoughts? Waking up in the night with brain fog so bad I thought I was losing my mind? Aches and pains and weakness? Suddenly feeling the spiraling feeling of numbness out of nowhere in the day? Absolutely hellish.

I got "smacked arse" faces when I said that the baby went to dad/in the bouncer so I could shower etc. A friend negged the fact that I enjoyed "boring" walks in the park (yeah, because exercising in the outdoors is famously bad for your MH...).

Sharing your experiences with sympathy whilst it's happening is helpful. Telling people they're going to have a shit time is the act of a dickhead.

I honestly couldn't be happier.

That’s good but it’s not coming across, you sound very angry. If you’re chilled then
these comments would just wash over you.

I understand OP, my baby daughter was conceived with the help of IVF last year and she is my absolute joy.

She’s a terrible sleeper but overall I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life and I feel lucky every day I have with her that she’s mine and I’m finally a mum after longing for this for so many years. Maybe going through IVF gives a different perspective - I’m not implying my child is more loved or more special than a naturally conceived child or anything, just that when you’ve had years of longing for a child and preparing for how your life would be as a parent that maybe you find it easier to look at the big picture or it just somehow changes your perspective when you’re so damn grateful to finally have a child.

Just try to ignore the negativity as much as you can - sleep deprivation is really hard and those mums are clearly struggling with it and are jealous you got lucky with a baby who sleeps.

Motherhood is a gift but it’s also really hard for some people (or more likely everyone has parts of parenting they find hard and other parts they sail through depending on their particular child and situation). During the hard parts maybe it’s easy to forget how special and wonderful being a mum is.

Congratulations on your new baby, keep enjoying your precious time with her!

I am angry that people are constantly pissing on my chips with their snide comments. I think it's pretty normal to be angry that people are making snide comments at you all the time

Its great you are having a great time with your newborn, but when my first was 4 months old he was sleeping in 45 min shifts, it took 45 min to settle him back down and I had PND that I didn't get diagnosed for another 5 months.

So yes, Some new mothers are miserable, and it wasn't helped by my best friends telling us how their baby was sleeping a solid 14 hours a night because they'd done XYZ, stuff we'd tried over and over again. They really thought they were great parents just because theirs slept through from a few weeks old

The thing is, how is she sleeping seems to be the first question everyone asks me about her, what am I supposed to do just say no comment? I don't bring her up at all, people ask then get shitty when I answer and go on to complain about how their baby was awful and never slept and I should be grateful. Not nice!

As a comparison I never asked about peoples babies whilst going through IVF because it was too painful. Simply - if you don't want to know because you might not like the answer, don't ask! Don't ask then get shitty when the answer isn't what you wanted.

I’ve already said how you answer that, “it’s going ok”. Maybe I should have clearer, be humble not smug, you don’t know what stage they are at or when your own baby’s behaviour is going to bite you in the arse.

You didn’t engage with people at all because it was too painful for you. Now people are reaching out to you, asking how it’s going and checking in to see if you’re needing help and you’re responding with smugness. I can see why people are getting shitty.

How do you want them to respond then? Pretend that their baby is sleeping well too even if they're struggling? Not sure I see the issue with them replying that you're lucky and should be grateful etc, you ARE lucky if your baby is sleeping through at 4 months! Tbh you sound smug and attention seeking, a bit like you think the fact your baby is sleeping well and you're not a hot mess is something everyone should be congratulating you on. FWIW I also went through IVF, found new motherhood relatively easy, my life didn't change much from pre baby days etc but nevertheless I found huge comfort in just being able to vent with other new mums and realise we were all in the same situation with night wakes, feeding, now toddler tantrums. Of course we all love being mums, our babies are amazing and none of us are struggling in the true sense but the conversation would be dull if we only focussed on the positives, and in those hard moments it's nice to know others are in the same boat. I far prefer having

Some mums will be struggling more than you. I very much doubt they are maliciously trying to spoil your happiness, simply projecting their own circumstances on to you. Remember, we are usually nowhere near as important to others as we might think we are, so their comments will be with themselves in mind, not you. In the light of all you've been through to get where you are, and how happy you are, does it really matter? Just make a non committal response and enjoy your child.

OP, you can see from the majority of the replies on this thread that women don’t tend to like it when women enjoy the first year of motherhood.

FWIW, my situation/ baby was exactly the same as yours, we were really lucky in that she slept through from about 12 weeks. I used to dread the ‘Is she sleeping through the night’ question at baby groups, I always felt like I had to lie to make people feel better, which is ridiculous as ultimately we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings!

The one time I told the truth and said she was thankfully sleeping through, well, it was like I’d said I drown puppies!

Personally I wouldn’t mention the sleeping through thing and try and seek out other, happy, mums who may be having a more positive experience.

While I don't think it's OK to make anyone feel bad or be unnecessarily nasty, I would also cut these people some slack – having a baby can be a special kind of hell on every part of your being: your health, your mental wellbeing, your relationships and friendships. It's not just a run-of-the-mill bad day. Combine that with the disappointment you might feel that you hoped things might be better, and it can leave you feeling incredibly down. Being chronically very sleep deprived will make people feel very irrational and snappy too.

I had twins, so I basically never slept, and at leastone was always awake during the day for almost a whole year. I was never snarky or negative to people with babies who slept well and were a joy during the day, but in the depths of it, just hearing about it was enough to make you weep.

you can see from the majority of the replies on this thread that women don’t tend to like it when women enjoy the first year of motherhood

Not quite. OP asked for insight about this specific situation, so of course this thread is going to be full of people who can relate to it.

It's about reading the room. New mothers are encouraged to talk about their struggles at these groups - a problem shared is a problem halved - and as anyone who's ever had any experience with therapy or counselling can tell you, an overly positive, cheery atmosphere doesn't encourage confidences about struggle.

As a light-hearted aside, it can also be jarring in general to hear someone be overly effusive/positive in response to a casual question. When someone asks how it's going, you don't say, "my life is amazing, I've got a great job, my husband is a sex god and I'm young and beautiful!" - you shrug and say "can't complain." It is the British way. 😆

I think you're having a bit of a hard time on this thread OP.

Lack of sleep is torture, but I think people are missing how socially isolating it is for you that you aren't experiencing that.

My baby is a medium sleeper but was a bad weaner. He's not been sicky much, but then he's been super active from a young age, and I haven't been able to sit with him quietly in the pram in the way other mums with chill babies have.

I understand where the other mums are coming from, but I also get that it must be so hard when you do want to chat about thinks she likes/enjoys, but get stumped in the conversation every time by the sleep question.

I'd recommend starting with answering about her development - "she's just cracked waving" and follow up with an open question about what their baby can do now or that they like or dislike.

Just ignore them. That saying exists for a reason and you only have to look at mn posts to see how it works. The constant whinge fests here about how bad husbands are, how ther babies have ruined their lives etc etc, it's oneupmanship all the time and those with real issues quickly get talked over by others who have it so much worse. Just zone out when they witter on about how tough it is and enjoy being with your baby and not in that negative frame of mind. I'm happy for you that you're in better health and able to enjoy your new little person!

They are struggling and they are jealous that you aren't. Jealousy isn't pretty or kind.

I don’t know, the tone of the OPs posts suggest that she may actually be struggling with something too.

Easy, you downplay it. Especially to other mums with babies of similar age. One of mine was a pretty decent sleeper too, so I've been there. Most people were satisfied with a nonspecific could be worse, alright, def improved from the early days, just hoping it lasts.

This. ^

I am angry that people are constantly pissing on my chips with their snide comments. I think it's pretty normal to be angry that people are making snide comments at you all the time

so how is it you can't see that it is pretty frustrating when you are been woken 4 or 5 times a night, to have someone bouncing in telling the world how lovely life is ?