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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my husband gay?

130 replies

tiredbeandrop · 03/09/2024 01:42

I've been with DH for 17 years now, married for 8. We have two children together DS16 and DD12, and have built a wonderful family together.

I had never questioned DHs sexuality, aside from passing comments from my friends about some of DHs slightly feminine qualities. Whilst he is in touch with his feminine side, he is an electrician and had always loved a pint down the local with his mates so him being gay hadn't ever crossed my mind. He has always had a close relationship with his best friend Mark however recently I feel that things have changed...

Him and Mark have been best friends since school and Mark was best man at our wedding. Me and Mark get on well but don't have a close friendship ourselves as I have my own friends.

Seeing as Mark and I have no personal connection, it completely took me by surprise when DH approached me with the idea of a potential threesome with him and Mark. Having been together for so long it's fair to say that things aren't as exciting as they once were in the bedroom for DH and I respectively, so I understand wanting to spice things up now that the children are older. DH gave little justification as to where the idea has come from, yet seemed enthusiastic and reassured me that it would be fun for all three of us. This has made me question DHs sexuality as Mark himself has never shown much interest in me other than pleasantries, making me wonder if this was DHs idea and I'm not sure what that would mean. DH and Mark have always been very close and confided in eachother but I am now starting to question the nature of their relationship.

Any advice welcome :)

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 03/09/2024 01:49

Well if you don't want to have sex with mark, the question becomes if your husband wants to have sex with mark, has he said that? You don't have to have a threesome if you don't want to and I can't tell from what you said about above what your husband is thinking. Ask him if he wants to have sex with mark and tell him you don't

NewtonsCradle · 03/09/2024 01:50

He's playing games, just say "no, I'm not interested."

MonsteraMama · 03/09/2024 01:51

Sounds like your husband wants to shag Mark guilt free. That's 99% of the time the reason a man suggests a threesome. "I want to fuck someone else but don't want to cheat, threesome!"

Also gay people can be electricians and enjoy a pint, what a completely weird thing to say.

JMSA · 03/09/2024 01:58

Sorry OP, but it sounds to me like he's definitely exploring his sexuality. And wanting to take it further with Mark under the guise of a threesome, to which you have agreed (so that leaves him guilt free).
And this idea cannot have come from nowhere. He surely must have discussed it with Mark already. And that would leave me feeling very uncomfortable if I were you. Not just the threesome thing. But the fact that you're not a piece of meat to be passed around!

Galoop · 03/09/2024 02:04

A MMF threesome doesn't mean your husband is gay anymore than a MFF means the woman is lesbian. Does he want to just watch or participate with Mark? I think if he were gay he'd just have sex without you tbh. Probably best you just have a conversation with him rather than us speculate about someone we don't know and probably 99% of thr posters on here would've never had a threesome or even considered one

redalex261 · 03/09/2024 02:05

Threesomes are disastrous at the best of times - this had tragedy all over it. You need to talk to him and find out where this is coming from. It clearly doesn’t appeal to you, so make sure you aren’t pressured into anything you don't want. Would you feel different if he'd suggested a threesome with a woman you knew?

Your husband sounds as if he does have some sexual interest in Mark - he may or may not have acted on it before now, sounds as if he is looking for permission. If he has been suppressing his feelings and acts on them it will inevitably end your marriage, but it may be doomed anyway if he’s coming out as gay or bisexual.

Relaxd · 03/09/2024 02:07

Why not just ask him if he is attracted to Mark, and is that why he wants a threesone? It may be he wants to see you with other men. Either way it sounds like there is some talking to be done about what you both want. Secondly, gay men are not all feminine and can enjoy having a pint with their friends and can be electricians, shock horror!!

HiHo2024 · 03/09/2024 02:14

God I’d run a mile if my husband suggested a threesome with him and his best mate who I I’ve known for years but have zero interest in and who has zero interest in me. Er…. No thanks love. It’s the most unsexy thing I’ve ever heard. Your husband on the other hand seems very keen to get Mark into your bed. Bleurgh!!!! Seriously how did he think this was a reasonable suggestion. I’d tell him and Mark to crack on because they probably will anyway.

sorry. Xx

DoAWheelie · 03/09/2024 02:19

You have some very screwed up ideas about what makes someone gay or not.

mellymoop · 03/09/2024 02:24

So, is Mark gay or do you not know?

Galoop · 03/09/2024 02:27

HiHo2024 · 03/09/2024 02:14

God I’d run a mile if my husband suggested a threesome with him and his best mate who I I’ve known for years but have zero interest in and who has zero interest in me. Er…. No thanks love. It’s the most unsexy thing I’ve ever heard. Your husband on the other hand seems very keen to get Mark into your bed. Bleurgh!!!! Seriously how did he think this was a reasonable suggestion. I’d tell him and Mark to crack on because they probably will anyway.

sorry. Xx

Edited

Comments like these Hmm

Blueberryjamming · 03/09/2024 02:29

Hmm it’s a bit off. Very off actually. Threesomes are often so problematic for the health and sustainability of relationships but especially using someone who is a family friend?! That seems completely bonkers.

Your kids aren’t even that old as well, when you wrote that I thought you meant adults.

Whether it means he’s gay or not I
don't know. I’d probably ask him straight then I’d shut it down, but tbh I’d be upset he even asked.

Threetrees745 · 03/09/2024 02:34

Misses the point of the thread but why do you think he cannot be gay because he's an electrician and likes pints?

MissedItByThisMuch · 03/09/2024 02:38

Well no one on MN can possibly know - you need to have a conversation with your husband. But gay people do do perfectly normal things like drink beer and work as electricians you know. However having said that, I would assume if he was gay he wouldn’t be asking you to join in. Perhaps he likes the idea of watching you with his friend? Either way if the idea doesn’t appeal to you, just say no. And talk to your husband.

Wetherspoons · 03/09/2024 02:40

Threetrees745 · 03/09/2024 02:34

Misses the point of the thread but why do you think he cannot be gay because he's an electrician and likes pints?

"Drinking 20 pints and pissing up walls" etc... etc... as the song goes

RickiRaccoon · 03/09/2024 02:53

He could be, sorry. I've seen a few instances where people suspected someone in a heterosexual relationship was gay because of mannerisms and, after years, it turned out to be true. He could also be bisexual or bicurious and still into you and want to stay married. If he is actually gay, you likely won't find out by asking him directly (but I think still have to do it). In every instance of this I've seen the person has vehemently denied it to their partner and then suddenly turned around and announced to the world their new gay relationship. Take care. I know it can be pretty devastating if it turns out to be true.

HeliotropePJs · 03/09/2024 02:57

It's not something I would ever consider under any circumstances, but if it were, I don't think it would be wise to choose a close friend. I'd say it's guaranteed to ruin the friendship, and that's even if it doesn't end in your husband deciding that he's no longer satisfied with your marriage as it stands. That's not to say the marriage will be happy and healthy if you turn down this generous offer, of course.

I'd be extremely displeased with the suggestion. Imo, it's bad enough when a man suggests bringing in another woman, but if he's always presented himself as straight, at least that makes some kind of sense from his perspective; a man suggesting a sexual experience involving another male (assuming his wife/partner hasn't been pushing for it) would make me question whether or not he'd been lying about his sexuality. Not that it automatically means he's lied, but it's reason for suspicion.

One way or the other, it's time to have some serious discussions. I don't think I would feel entirely sure of him after this, but I'd have to try to get to the bottom of why he's made this suggestion, the nature of his relationship with Mark, etc.

shuggles · 03/09/2024 02:59

@tiredbeandrop Depends.

If he wants to have actual physical contact with Mark during the act, that seems pretty gay to me.

If he means him and Mark having sex with you but not touching each other, then that would make him yet another heterosexual man who gets aroused at the thought of his wife having sex with someone else.

There's one thing that really doesn't make sense about this though; if he actually was gay and had a secret relationship with Mark, why would he be suggesting a threesome? That seems more like something he would want to conceal, not something to put in front of your face.

AliasGrace47 · 03/09/2024 03:05

Op I'm really sorry. Your dh's request is icky whether he's gay or not. Personally I think it sounds like he's bi. I'm bi myself and some, ( I stress some, by no means all) bi people can go through periods (so called bi-cycle) where there attraction to 1 gender is stronger than to the other. This can vary in intensity & length. Mine a really mild. I wonder if your dh is experiencing this. I think it's probs different if you didn't explore both before settling down/ repressed as this tends to make feelungs stronger. As there was more homophobia when he was younger he may never have explored his male attractions to the level he wished. This is sad, but no excuse for him to enter a marriage without letting you know & then try to have his cake and eat it. Maybe there has been a misunderstanding, but it seems unlikely.
There being children involved is an extra sign of his selfishness at messing you around like this. It I'd obvs up to you what you do, but remember you should not feel you have to stay in a marriage where the other person is lying & trying to get you to help them cheat. Maybe the problems can be worked through if he turns over a new leaf, but if not, remember that a mother who refuses to tolerate this is not a bad mother.

NonsuchCastle · 03/09/2024 03:22

Of course he's not gay! You have said nothing about his opinions on soft furnishings and Judy Garland, and he likes a pint! How much straighter can you get?
On a serious note though, my guess is that if he's gay he would be off shagging not asking you to have a threesome.

MarkingBad · 03/09/2024 03:49

Nothing you have said suggests your DH is definitely gay. Lots of men have feminine elements and vice versa, it doesn't mean anything. Lots of straight men like the idea of a threesome with MFM and especially if it is their friend, I've been asked by BFs and a F Boss for MFM and FMF at separate times for a threesome. I turned them down as in all cases as I would have been hurt by it, it's up to the consenting adults as to what they do but all must be in agreement and happy with the arrangement. The boss seriously creeped me out though, the power balance being very unequal there.

If you are worried ask DH how you think it might go, positions, voyerism etc. TBH Mark might be way more into you than you think, not all men are like pigs at troughs where their friends wives are concerned even if they like them, but if you are not into him then it's never going to work, someone will get hurt. Is Mark married or in a LTR, straight, gay or bi? If things are a bit samey there are plenty of other things you can do, try those before going in for something you are completely unsure of.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/09/2024 04:16

Sounds like he wants to explore things for himself in os a way that isnt cheating and you can't get cobby about because you agreed.

As someone who had knowledge of the alternative scene (not having done it myself, but have a very close friend who is very involved) this isnt a good set up. A threesome has to have chemistry, understanding and consent all round. The "Hello, how are you, fine thanks" you have with his friend doesnt suggest that level of understanding. Hate to bring this up but this feels like that "Carol/Susan/Ross" threesome in the Sliding Doors-esque Friends episode. It will be all about them.

Time for a cards on the table chat.

Honey1984 · 03/09/2024 04:17

Admittedly it sounds odd. First off, establish where this is coming from. It's not unheard of men wanting to shag one girl. On the other hand, if he wants to do Mark then that's probably going to give you your answer right there. So established that first. Secondly if you don't want to have a shag with Mark then don't and firmly tell your husband that. I don't care what age your kids are not I wouldn't do anything until they are out of school completely and out of the house. Word gets around and kids are curious.. Sit down and talk with him about it.

Immemorialelms · 03/09/2024 04:21

gay men can be electricians, shock horror!!

That doesn't sound like a very skilled electrician...sorry couldn't resist

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/09/2024 04:42

We really have no idea if he is gay or not.

He might well want to watch Mark shag you - lots of men like that idea, some also like the reality.

I'd advise very strongly against any threesome with someone you're both friends with - the chances are it will not be how any of the parties involve envisaged it, someone is going to feel let down, exploited, rejected, upset.. etc etc.

I think you need to talk to him - ask him what it is about the idea of a threesome with another man, gets him going.