Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

Definitely cancel the trip, it’s clear and obvious that it won’t work for you, and anyone thinking otherwise is an incredibly selfish douchebag. I would be furious with them for their reply. Would definitely be cancelling, not even a question!! I’m actually mad for you just reading your post OP!

OP see if you can re-arrange the booking so that it is to a place where you can enjoy a family holiday. If it is a large tour company, write to the MD and explain what has happened. I would forget about the wedding after all they "forgot " to tell you children were banned 💐

I would be furious since you say he knew you'd booked flights for the children. To be honest I'd be so annoyed that my own sibling did this that I'd probably just turn up with them anyway. At the very least I would insist they were babysat in at the wedding venue, so I could go and check they were ok. There isn't anything he can do about that.

Or if you can get a full refund, I would do that. I would never go to an overseas wedding whilst leaving my young children at home.

I feel like it would be weird for them to invite you all and then pull the rug once you’ve booked tickets.

Did they say your kids were invited or did you assume and crack on with booking everything before receiving full details/getting an actual invite?

If they’ve said you were all invited and then changed their minds, that’s terrible behaviour, but seems an odd thing for someone to do!

Just how fragile are the egos of these bridezillas that they feel they would be upstaged by small children?

Don’t go to the wedding and leave your other half and kids stuck in a room upstairs! That’s not fair. If they havent got the decency to allow the kids to go after making such effort to go, they don’t deserve your presence in my opinion.

People do not book overnight babysitters two hours away when they are travelling abroad. Two hours away is not local.

Local to the area they’ve travelled to.

Yes, they do. You not having experience of it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. Perhaps there are cultural differences at play, but it’s not uncommon where I’m from, or where I live now.

Who says she doesn’t want children there because she would feel upstaged?

and who said this was driven by the bride? Not sure why she’s getting the blame.

Sounds like the best compromise but if he won't budge then it's on him if you don't attend. What has your parents made of it?

I'm not presenting my view as a truism. It's an opinion. I'm not questioning your credentials or capability, nor your veracity in stating that a great many parents are adopting this as a parenting practice. I'm unsurprised.

Given the question is hardly disinterested, then it isn't surprising that nannies might not be of the same opinion.

Nonetheless, it remains mine.

Ok, but it is totally absolutely unheard of in my world. We’ve all travelled a lot, but I don’t know anybody who would even consider going to a different country and leaving your children 2 hours away with a stranger babysitting.

Ah. This was in response to another poster.

Slack off the wedding and just go on holiday to the place you’ve booked. What a wanker he sounds, he knew you’d booked for your kids to attend

Okay, you not being familiar with it doesn’t mean ‘no one does it’. They do.

Genuinely - you know lots of people who book complete strangers to look after their very small children hours from where they will be based?? Where are you from or live that this is common? I’m curious as it just seems so alien to me from a safety or attachment perspective - I can’t imagine anyone doing it and I’ve lived in a few countries.

I’m just highlighting that it’s totally unthinkable to many many people, clearly including the op. So it doesn’t matter that some people somewhere do it. The ops brother is not a different culture from her, and it’s a totally unreasonable ask for their family. That is the cultural context that applies here.

In a foreign country too…

I know people that have booked hotel and/or local babysitters whilst on holiday, yes, some to go on day trips out of the area. Some have indeed been British. I live in the US, but have also lived in the UK.

So? Clearly it isn’t unthinkable to the brother, or to everyone. If it doesn’t work for OP then fine, it doesn’t have to, but that doesn’t mean that no one does it.

I think in this case you’re confusing ‘he thinks this is a totally acceptable thing to do with your children and will with his own one day’ with ‘it hadn’t occurred to him to give a shit about someone else’s kids, dump them wherethefuckever but don’t bring them to MY wedding’

Perhaps, perhaps not. It’s not like he’s here to ask.

I question the age of the children in these instances, were they really as young as 18 months? And you say day trips but did they include overnights?

I think you are being generous to OPs brother, it’s far more likely that he is suggesting this plan out of naivety/ignorance rather than because he genuinely thinks it’s normal.

I’m assuming it’s Australia or New Zealand. Perfectly civilised countries! And English speaking.

What an arse. I would ring on the wedding morning and tell him you ain't coming, or take the kids and say the baby sitter let you down