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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row over which Supermarket?

134 replies

JessiePink · 02/09/2024 14:51

AIBU? I do the food shopping in our household.
We both work, and we both car share (it's really annoying and we have had rows over this but we cannot afford two cars).
I tend to do the food shopping Wednesday after work. I work in the next town to where we live.

Around the corner from where I work I jump on the motorway and come off at the next junction at the retail park, it takes me about 7-8 mins from work.
The reason I go to this Aldi as on the retail park there is also a Food Warehouse and a B&M and a Home Bargains in case I need any cleaning bits also.

My husband is constantly on my case about going to this particular retail park. He cannot understand why I want to go (in his words) all the way over there.

I explain when I'm at work it's literally round the corner and takes me 10 mins. I also explain that as there are multiple shops it saves me from driving here there and everywhere for my bits.

He doesn't understand why I cannot go to the Aldi which is still in the town where I work, but closer to our home (it's a really small Aldi!) and I am WASTING PETROL according to him!

I've gotten to the point now were I tell him to do one and I will food shop were I want seen as I'm the one who does the shopping and I'm the one who does the cooking!
It feels controlling to me!

We have a joint bank account together as he earns more than me and I also have a child from a previous relationship so when we had separate money, I was always skint as I was paying half of everything and for my child too.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/09/2024 23:43

Oh Yes, the half truths, or not lying by omission. The hush as the car drew in to the drive...

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2024 00:40

It is a fucking travesty that you are living like this. It's as though you have a warden, not a husband. I think you're beginning to take the blinders off, but I still think you don't really have an appreciation for just how bad it is and how abusive your husband is. It's a constant drip, drip, drip of controlling behaviour that is making you a shell of yourself. I bet if you think back to how you felt about yourself years ago compared to now, there's will be a massive decline.

You are only 40 years old, you still have decades ahead of you. Get the fuck rid of him.

Duckingella · 03/09/2024 01:20

It's probably got nothing to do with the amount of petrol you use or where you shop but more to do that he's salty about having to share a car rather than having one to himself and it hurts his fragile ego.

echt · 03/09/2024 05:25

JessiePink · 02/09/2024 16:29

He does moan a lot. About a lot of things. He had a whinge on Sunday. I made a Sunday dinner.
He asked why my child had more roast potatoes than him.
So when I put the plates down, he obviously counted the potatoes. I can't cope Sad

Show quote history

I've rarely said this but LTB. Because of the potatoes.

Inspireme2 · 03/09/2024 05:34

Pathetic to not appreciate you do the shopnand everything you need is sourced from one shopping area.
When was the last time he did a shop?
Perhaps he needs to go take his turn and wise up.
Why is this a issue over conveince i would ask.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 03/09/2024 07:37

What domestic chores does he do?
Swap with him for a month, see if he can come up with a more cost effective, time efficient way of shopping.

carrotcard · 03/09/2024 07:38

Who ever does the shop chooses the shop

carrotcard · 03/09/2024 07:38

Who ever does the shop chooses the shop

babbi · 03/09/2024 07:55

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2024 22:32

Oh yes, 'walking on eggshells' and 'picking your moments'. I remember it as being sort of like an animal 'sniffing the air' as they slowly walk out into the open to be sure it's safe. It got to the point where I could pretty much sense when to speak and when to be silent and 'wait for another day'. Funny/not funny

We all change our ways somewhat to adapt to living with a partner, that's normal. But there's a difference when you do it simply as a gesture of love to someone who does the same for you and when you do it because you don't want to deal with 'a reaction'.

It's up to you though. You know how he is and what it takes to keep him happy. You may decide it's worth it to 'play the game'. But at least you know the rules, right? The right decision is the decision that's right for you. I was financially independent, we had no children, and we didn't own a home together. It was easy enough for me to say 'get to fuck' and start over. You may have more to think about than I did.

Show quote history

@AcrossthePond55
thats fantastic advice and one of the most succinct and accurate ways I’ve seen a domestic “aura “ or vibe described..
OP I urge you to read this over a few times and have a deep think .
take care of yourself.

redalex261 · 03/09/2024 08:05

Cannot believe he knows or cares which Aldi you are going to. He sounds like a nitpicking controller TBH. His attitude to money is a big red flag.

mamajong · 03/09/2024 08:11

Yanbu you just need to close it down 'we won't agree on this but it's not that deep and I'm going to continue to shop where its convenient for me, so can we just stop talking about this now please'.

Starlight1979 · 03/09/2024 08:37

JessiePink · 02/09/2024 16:39

He asks me. He said don't tell me you have been to "retail park".
My response is yes it's easier it's round the corner from work etc etc.
I get WHY? Why do you keep going there just go to this supermarket. I say no it's easier for me after work and I go to a couple of different shops. I just get quizzed and questioned over why I'm going "all the way there".

Show quote history

Sorry but why on earth are you even answering him?!?!?! As another poster said , you do NOT have to reply to this questioning!

I was going to suggest responses as another said to "grey rock" him but to be honest - and reading your update about him checking the mileage on the car - the supermarket issue will just be a small part of a much bigger picture which needs addressing. He sounds massively controlling.

I don't think I have ever said this on here before but, LTB.

PieonaBarm · 03/09/2024 22:32

FuckKnowsMate · 02/09/2024 17:50

There is nothing better than a retail park with all them shops on, what’s his problem he sounds like a right fun sponge 😂 is it whitebirk

I thought Whitebirk especially with the reference to the hospital. Brilliant Home Bargains and Aldi there, I can see why you'd go there!

LoremIpsumCici · 04/09/2024 17:18

I made a Sunday dinner. He asked why my child had more roast potatoes than him.

Would it not be because he took fewer potatoes than the child?
If not,
Why aren’t they putting their own food on their plates?
Family dinner is not cafeteria food line where your tray gets filled by workers deciding how big a scoop you get.

itsmylife7 · 04/09/2024 17:31

JessiePink · 02/09/2024 19:07

@AcrossthePond55 Yes I understand.
I do find myself changing my ways somewhat. I find myself anxious to say things sometimes and to bring certain things up for example how much I want to spend on my child for their birthday or Christmas

This should NOT be happening in a normal functioning relationship OP

Original poster
JessiePink · 06/09/2024 18:05

I don't know if anyone is still reading my thread.

I've broken down tonight and told him how I feel. I started crying and said it's wearing me down, he cannot understand what he's done and apparently I'm making him out to be a horrible person.

I tried to explain it isn't just a one off incident like the supermarket it's a build up of little things like that and it's wearing me down.

His response....whilst I was crying and telling him how I feel was to tell me next month when we are meant to be going on holiday to not bother coming and he will go on his own as why am I going away with him then.

He then proceeded to go upstairs and have a shower and was singing in the shower!

All whilst I was crying at the kitchen table!

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 06/09/2024 18:07

He's a vile person.

AutumnFroglets · 06/09/2024 18:13

Well... he can't have told you any plainer with that update that he does not like you and he does not respect you.

So what are you going to do? What do YOU want to do? While you are thinking about it, look up emotional abuse, the art of grey rocking and DARVO. In the meantime, sending lots of hugs and tissues your way Flowers

Frostycottagegarden · 06/09/2024 18:24

He is vile, and this is abuse. Do a bit of reading on cycles of abuse.

This is all about control. He is chipping away at you, confusing you, gaslighted, etc. I am afraid that is a very recognised pattern.

There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship which you may relate to. And lots of stuff on YouTube (Dr Rhamani, from memory).

Just read it, and see if it relate ls.

Remember, this is NOT about the shopping. It is all about control.

Frostycottagegarden · 06/09/2024 18:25

Oh, and I promise you, if you can educate yourself and get control back, life is simply amazing on the other side. Don't be scared.

Yeahnoforsure · 06/09/2024 18:30

If you do the finances, I'm sure you know how to be careful with money, and time management too since you also do the cooking. It only makes sense shopping all in one go. If he spends on himself, and then brags he makes more money, then he's either dead ignorant, or controlling ( or both). I don't think you're being unreasonable. Keep doing what you're doing!

ilovelamp82 · 06/09/2024 18:38

This man hates you. Leave.

Justleaveitblankthen · 06/09/2024 18:39

Wow, your latest update OP 😔
I was going to say, pound for a penny he probably eats double that you do? Meal portions etc.
But, that's neither here nor there now.

He's awful. 💐

llamajohn · 06/09/2024 18:43

JessiePink · 06/09/2024 18:05

I don't know if anyone is still reading my thread.

I've broken down tonight and told him how I feel. I started crying and said it's wearing me down, he cannot understand what he's done and apparently I'm making him out to be a horrible person.

I tried to explain it isn't just a one off incident like the supermarket it's a build up of little things like that and it's wearing me down.

His response....whilst I was crying and telling him how I feel was to tell me next month when we are meant to be going on holiday to not bother coming and he will go on his own as why am I going away with him then.

He then proceeded to go upstairs and have a shower and was singing in the shower!

All whilst I was crying at the kitchen table!

God, what a dickhead.

Leave him!

Nanny0gg · 06/09/2024 18:46

JessiePink · 06/09/2024 18:05

I don't know if anyone is still reading my thread.

I've broken down tonight and told him how I feel. I started crying and said it's wearing me down, he cannot understand what he's done and apparently I'm making him out to be a horrible person.

I tried to explain it isn't just a one off incident like the supermarket it's a build up of little things like that and it's wearing me down.

His response....whilst I was crying and telling him how I feel was to tell me next month when we are meant to be going on holiday to not bother coming and he will go on his own as why am I going away with him then.

He then proceeded to go upstairs and have a shower and was singing in the shower!

All whilst I was crying at the kitchen table!

That tells you all you need to know

I'm sorry.