Row over which Supermarket?

[JessiePink]

AIBU? I do the food shopping in our household.
We both work, and we both car share (it's really annoying and we have had rows over this but we cannot afford two cars).
I tend to do the food shopping Wednesday after work. I work in the next town to where we live.

Around the corner from where I work I jump on the motorway and come off at the next junction at the retail park, it takes me about 7-8 mins from work.
The reason I go to this Aldi as on the retail park there is also a Food Warehouse and a B&M and a Home Bargains in case I need any cleaning bits also.

My husband is constantly on my case about going to this particular retail park. He cannot understand why I want to go (in his words) all the way over there.

I explain when I'm at work it's literally round the corner and takes me 10 mins. I also explain that as there are multiple shops it saves me from driving here there and everywhere for my bits.

He doesn't understand why I cannot go to the Aldi which is still in the town where I work, but closer to our home (it's a really small Aldi!) and I am WASTING PETROL according to him!

I've gotten to the point now were I tell him to do one and I will food shop were I want seen as I'm the one who does the shopping and I'm the one who does the cooking!
It feels controlling to me!

We have a joint bank account together as he earns more than me and I also have a child from a previous relationship so when we had separate money, I was always skint as I was paying half of everything and for my child too.

What a tit. Not helpful, but he is.

@ThatTealViewer because I only work 4 days 30 hours and he picks up a lot of overtime that's why I do the lions share of everything at home.

This is my point but as I go after work it's easier and there are other stores there as well so I get bits from each!
He doesn't get it at all, it's like he is zoned in on how much petrol I'm using.

I've never heard this before..... Taken individually they're small annoyances. Put together, it's control.

It makes sense. There are things if I think back over the years, a lot of things that if I said you would think I'm crazy.

You work almost full time hours. Unless he’s working 60 hours a week or something, you should do a bit more, not everything.

I really think you need to stand up for yourself and establish clearer boundaries. If he has such an issue with where you shop, he can do it. Don’t just say it, mean it and follow through. Ditto the laundry and cleaning that he expects to be done with air.

None of this is normal, healthy or acceptable. You’re not his skivvy. You’re doing far more than you should and he’s not even appreciative. Stop.

Maybe next time don't answer the question.

Have you been to the retail park?

I've been at work

Have you been to the retail park

I've got the food shopping

You've been to the retail park haven't you, why do you go there?

Lovely sunshine today.

Or - get rid of him. What a sad way to live - whinging about roast potatoes versus a child. My goodness.

My advice is -and I'm not being flippant - just get rid of him, he's a controlling lazy arsehole.

If for whatever reason you want to stay with him, -just say you went to his preferred Aldi to shut him up and carry on going to the one you want to -how will he know??
He'll find something else to moan about though, mark my words.

Does he have an ex who works at the retail park… And he’s worried you’ll accidentally meet her and she’ll reveal a controlling twat he is?

Just seems like there must another reason why he hates that retail park, so strange!

....a lot of things that if I said you would think I'm crazy.

Actually, I wouldn't. Because I've been there. It's sort of like the way the sea wears away a rock until it becomes sand. You don't see it happen, you don't feel it happen, but it happens all the same and what you can see is the effect.

And the effect is often that we change our ways to suit them and as a result we lose little bits our who we are. Not because we're frightened of them the way we would be if we had them looming over us saying "Don't you shop there OR ELSE!!". But in the way of "I am so tired of hearing about this so I'll just start shopping at XX so I don't have to hear their shit anymore". And so, in their minds they've 'won', they are now controlling where we shop. Do you see what I mean? Taken each thing individually, it appears to be 'no big deal' and maybe to some people it wouldn't be. They'd just shrug, roll their eyes, and say 'Whatever'. But to other people it has a cumulative effect and we find ourselves 'weighed down' by all those little 'controls' and we don't know why because we can't actually see them because they happened so gradually.

I reached the point of no return. He could never figure out why I ended things.

This might be a stupid question...and he does sound like a controlling price....but, how does he know which Aldi you went to? Doesn't the payment just say Aldi Ltd on your bank statement? Or is he so fucking controlling he asks for the receipts as well?

There is nothing better than a retail park with all them shops on, what’s his problem he sounds like a right fun sponge 😂 is it whitebirk

What a vile, controlling, nasty, selfish little man he is. I don't know how you bear to feel him breathe near you - my fanny would be permanently shut for business if I had to deal with this prick every day.

Life is too fucking short for this nonsense OP. Can you get a plan together to leave? Surely, this is not what you want for the rest of your life? 💐

This is why I prefer Ocado.

I have the midweek smart pass which is £39.99 per annum so I have unlimited free deliveries Tuesday through Thursday from wee hours to midnight.

I was spending more than that on petrol and Ocado has a price promise of your shopping ends up higher than Tesco’s you get a voucher off with difference.

Plus your household can use the app to put things in the trolley and your DH can see what everything costs. I bet he has no idea what the cost of living crisis has done to food costs!

No. It's because I'm the petrol I'm using

My attitude to this would be to give short answers that make it clear that the decision is mine and won't change, eg "That's what works best for me." "I prefer my way." Change the subject. I wouldn't be drawn into an argument about it at all. It sounds mind numbing.

Do you mean he monitors the petrol? That's absolutely batshit.

I'd do exactly as other posters have suggested. Only shop at the smaller branch and what they don't have, you'll have to go without. It'll cost more petrol in top-up shops, which you'll refuse to do so he'll have to, wasting his time rather than yours.

@JessiePink

how long have you been with this bellend?

more importantly, WHY are you staying with him??

He's not nice, don't you think you & your child would be happier on your own?

So fucking glad I am single! If I had to put up with this "I earn more than you ner ner ner" he would be in the basement rotting away. Mumsnet so full of pompous pricks who earn more and rub their partners nose in the fact. Controlling arsewipe!

@AcrossthePond55 Yes I understand.
I do find myself changing my ways somewhat. I find myself anxious to say things sometimes and to bring certain things up for example how much I want to spend on my child for their birthday or Christmas

He asks me. He says you haven't been to "retail park" again have you! Why do you keep going there, just go to "other" Aldi. I don't see the point, blah blah blah.

Well not as such but he once got in the car and looked at the miles done and said god we're have you been in the car? I lost my rag at that. I said you have actually gone and checked to see how many miles I have done!
He said no, I just noticed.

He asked why my child had more roast potatoes than him.
So when I put the plates down, he obviously counted the potatoes.

He is so tight that he is resentful of your child eating a his expense.
He is jealous of your child taking up any of your time/money/attention.

This won't get better.
Even when your child leaves home, the resentment and jealousy will remain, at every family occasion, every gift, every meal out together as a family.

Ditch him. LTB.

Fuck me, this is why I'm single because I would have asked him if he was thick by now as I was at work therefore virtually already there

Last week I decided I wanted to go to the huge Tesco which is a 30 min drive just for a mooch. My dad rang and said "why you there?!"
Me "I've just driven to give the car a run and to have a change"
Dad "ah yeah cool, get anything good?"

That's the only conversation I would have with anyone about it. I just leave the house and go where I want with

Oh yes, 'walking on eggshells' and 'picking your moments'. I remember it as being sort of like an animal 'sniffing the air' as they slowly walk out into the open to be sure it's safe. It got to the point where I could pretty much sense when to speak and when to be silent and 'wait for another day'. Funny/not funny

We all change our ways somewhat to adapt to living with a partner, that's normal. But there's a difference when you do it simply as a gesture of love to someone who does the same for you and when you do it because you don't want to deal with 'a reaction'.

It's up to you though. You know how he is and what it takes to keep him happy. You may decide it's worth it to 'play the game'. But at least you know the rules, right? The right decision is the decision that's right for you. I was financially independent, we had no children, and we didn't own a home together. It was easy enough for me to say 'get to fuck' and start over. You may have more to think about than I did.