Row over which Supermarket?

[JessiePink]

AIBU? I do the food shopping in our household.
We both work, and we both car share (it's really annoying and we have had rows over this but we cannot afford two cars).
I tend to do the food shopping Wednesday after work. I work in the next town to where we live.

Around the corner from where I work I jump on the motorway and come off at the next junction at the retail park, it takes me about 7-8 mins from work.
The reason I go to this Aldi as on the retail park there is also a Food Warehouse and a B&M and a Home Bargains in case I need any cleaning bits also.

My husband is constantly on my case about going to this particular retail park. He cannot understand why I want to go (in his words) all the way over there.

I explain when I'm at work it's literally round the corner and takes me 10 mins. I also explain that as there are multiple shops it saves me from driving here there and everywhere for my bits.

He doesn't understand why I cannot go to the Aldi which is still in the town where I work, but closer to our home (it's a really small Aldi!) and I am WASTING PETROL according to him!

I've gotten to the point now were I tell him to do one and I will food shop were I want seen as I'm the one who does the shopping and I'm the one who does the cooking!
It feels controlling to me!

We have a joint bank account together as he earns more than me and I also have a child from a previous relationship so when we had separate money, I was always skint as I was paying half of everything and for my child too.

This isn't about supermarkets, it's about him being controlling.

Yeah this.

I do the food shopping in our house and honestly DP wouldn't even know which supermarket I had been to. Never mind how close it was to my work. He couldn't give a crap as he appreciates it's a job that he doesn't want and is grateful that I do it!

When we went 50/50 on everything. I was always skint as he earns more than me so I was left with little disposable income for my child and me.

You're overdue for a real sit-down conversation. This is just annoying disrespect, and it's not how a partnership should work: Otherwise, why would any of us want one?

Otherwise, tell him that he can take his big paycheck and take care of the shopping himself. Use that extra time to find a good solicitor. What a weird bore this guy is!

It's not the first time I've told him about it. It's annoying and I find it really belittling that he's trying to tell me which supermarket I have to go to.
It's a conversation we have had previously many times. I find it strange that he even cares as long as there is food for the week and we can eat all week what's the problem!
I shop at Aldi and Food Warehouse not bloody Waitrose!

I couldn't be with someone with that attitude to money.

DH occasionally jokes about earning more but he knows I used to earn more and will likely in the future. Took time off for mat leave, and now work PT and don't particularly want the next step up while DD is so little as it's a lot more responsibility. But cos of all that, we know he's joking and we're both ok with it.

Someone who got upset that I was shopping at Aldi while buying themselves a new car would be out of my door.

What a complete weirdo he is, I can’t imagine a situation where DH even particularly cares which supermarket I go to, this can’t be the only thing he’s controlling about?

If DH started going on like this I’d let him do the shopping, it’s ridiculous!

If you've spoken about it before and he's still doing it then I would just not shop for him any longer. I would buy enough to feed me and my child - literally just buy 2 ready meals each day (or something that feeds specifically 2 people) - and tell him if he wants a meal he can go food shopping himself.

Whoever does the shopping can choose where to do it imo (DH does it all here as we're also car sharing but I mostly wfh and get the train to work so he can do it on his way home).
It's a PITA job so if your way makes it easier for you, carry on.

My practical solution would be to give him 3 options:

1. You continue doing what you're doing and he STFU
2. He does it (by himself, with no input from you)
3. You pay the extra for delivery from one of the bigger supermarkets that offer it.

Oh and I'd lose my shit if my DH ever used it against me that he earns more. You need to shut that attitude down asap.

I know my husband and I both see what the other person is spending money on and have opinions but we usually try to keep it to ourselves! Ultimately we know neither of us is being unreasonable and sometimes you have to spend money for convenience or treats.

It sounds like your husband might be resentful of you and your child using "his" money. I'd sit down and talk to him about it. He either wants to share his life and money with you or he doesn't (though nice to know this prior to marriage). And he needs to learn keep it to himself when he has an opinion he's already expressed but which you've chosen not to agree with.

He sounds like a tit. Tell him that if he can't shut the fuck up then he is perfectly welcome to take over all of the shopping and cooking.

Well done on him for volunteering to do the weekly shop ☺️ ☺️

I think you should drive further away, to get more of a break from him. Or eat out with your child more.

I hope he shares more money now, since he is paid more.

Yep. He wants you to do as you're told. He doesn't actually care about petrol/supermarket logic.

what a stupid thing to argue about...petrol for ten minutes? I mean, unless you are sooo poor that this tiny addition is making any difference, is he OCD or has some other mental health problems? he should be grateful you are doing the very boring grocery shopping. couldn’t live with someone commenting on my whereabouts and how abouts in such a detailed manner (sorry my first language isn’t English, but I hope you know what I mean!).

Jeez. Why not shop online and get it delivered?
My DH (before delivery was a thing) would only shop at Waitrose. I usually shopped at Tesco but if he was ever doing it that's where he went. We lived in a very nice part of London but no Waitrose (though there are two now), so he'd have to drive over 20-30 minutes to the next area. Did I care? Not one bit. Did he care that I shopped at Tesco 9/10 times? Not one bit.
You shop where you like, he shops where he likes. End of.

Leave him. You deserve so much better than this.

Would he understand if you said you have more choice (more bargains) and it also makes the activity more enjoyable for you so it has a positive effect on your mood.

Perhaps you should shop for a couple of weeks in the small aldi and buy very limited range of food, with lots of gaps as they didn't have that!

It is a bit concerning that he wants to dictate where you go. Is he similar in others areas of life?

I used to live on the boarder of England and Wales and really enjoyed a trip to the big asda which was in another country. My partner appreciated the heads up that we "needed" Welsh milk this week as I would be slightly longer and it became a fun code for I need to get out somewhere different.

Look up financial and emotional control. You will be amazed at how many ticks you will get on the checklists.

OP, this is really not normal. It sounds like you do everything in the house, shop, life admin etc and he just moans and controls.

Id be getting rid personally or at the very least refusing to shop anymore!

It wouldn't matter if it were Waitrose that isn't what this kind of consistently raised argument is about. Any of us can bicker over something stupid once - consistently is about putting you in your place

He is being an arse and it sounds like you are doing a lot more than the "50%" of the non paid work.

Claiming different rules for his own spending because he earns more is him telling you that you are not a couple from his point of view and that you are not in this together.

What are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth putting up with someone who behaves like this?

Nope, he's an arsehole.

How about you charge him per minute of your time if you have to fuck around going to multiple shops, plus the mental load time?

You do the sensible (of course!) thing and he's just a twat.

OP, you're paying half the bills but 100% for your child?

Ermmmm. WTAF? Am I the only one seeing that?

I hate joining in on the pile on but on this occasion it's an elbow drop from the top rope moment.

So from what you've said, you:
do the food shopping
the cooking
manage the finances
do the family washing
and you both work.

I'd be telling him to stop being such a small minded controlling knob and to pull his finger out and start doing some of these tasks himself.

Does he also conveniently leave you to do most of the household chores too?

You say you don't want more kids - if it was me I'd be saying 'just as well' as this attitude would make my vagina clamp shut and resemble an arid wasteland.

So he’s paying half the cost of your teenager, is that right? Does he mind this? Is that what this is about? Do you get any money from the father of your child? Is he thinking it’s not his problem if you’re skint after you’ve covered costs for you and your child, that you’re making him pay for not-his-child?

Passing no judgment on the man, I’ll never wrap my head around how people this petty and stingy get through life. But it’s just so utterly petty I’m wondering if this is about something else? Your child perhaps, seeing as you’ve brought him/her up in the OP?