Row over which Supermarket?

[JessiePink]

AIBU? I do the food shopping in our household.
We both work, and we both car share (it's really annoying and we have had rows over this but we cannot afford two cars).
I tend to do the food shopping Wednesday after work. I work in the next town to where we live.

Around the corner from where I work I jump on the motorway and come off at the next junction at the retail park, it takes me about 7-8 mins from work.
The reason I go to this Aldi as on the retail park there is also a Food Warehouse and a B&M and a Home Bargains in case I need any cleaning bits also.

My husband is constantly on my case about going to this particular retail park. He cannot understand why I want to go (in his words) all the way over there.

I explain when I'm at work it's literally round the corner and takes me 10 mins. I also explain that as there are multiple shops it saves me from driving here there and everywhere for my bits.

He doesn't understand why I cannot go to the Aldi which is still in the town where I work, but closer to our home (it's a really small Aldi!) and I am WASTING PETROL according to him!

I've gotten to the point now were I tell him to do one and I will food shop were I want seen as I'm the one who does the shopping and I'm the one who does the cooking!
It feels controlling to me!

We have a joint bank account together as he earns more than me and I also have a child from a previous relationship so when we had separate money, I was always skint as I was paying half of everything and for my child too.

I've yet to meet the man who is even remotely concerned where the food shopping comes from when someone else is doing it as long as it tastes good!

Flummox him by telling him you've found a local Spar and will be going there and then present him with an array of Hapoy Shopper delights or whatever they sell in ther as an own brand.

The man appears to be obsessive over petty things which usually indicates a diversion as he is too cowardly to bring up the bigger things that are bothering him in the relationship so airs his disappointment by nitpicking.

Watch him closely.

Yeah, the 'jokes' about earning more have worn thin, particularly as you're contributing so much unpaid labour, keeping the household running smoothly. I'd start by making that crystal clear.

Assuming you've explained the practical reasons why you prefer one location over the other and how it may actually save you money, he's just being difficult for no real reason. I think I'd institute a 'not talking about this again' policy. If he's that bothered, he can do the shop himself wherever he so chooses.

tell him to shop himself.

tell him to wash his own clothes.

He is a controlling arsehole.

Why argue with him? when he brings it up just tell him you have had this discussion previously and you arent doing it again and walk away.

OP reading your messages made me feel like I was with my ex! I too have a teen from a previous relationship (who doesn't see their dad at all and no maintenance money - that ex did a "leave the country" runner) and my ex banned us from shopping at Aldi because the quality wasnt as good as sainsburys(he is a food snob). I was the only one working at the time and constantly skint as I paid for everything for my eldest too as well as him and I. I left him in the end as he became so controlling over everything, not just the money. My therapist was so worried he referred me to a domestic abuse support company.

Once I left him, he started shopping at Lidl 🙃I laugh about it now but at the time it got scary.

This is a red flag OP on so many levels, please tread carefully here and I hope you have money set aside "for a rainy day" that is your money and he can't touch.

He does moan a lot. About a lot of things. He had a whinge on Sunday. I made a Sunday dinner.
He asked why my child had more roast potatoes than him.
So when I put the plates down, he obviously counted the potatoes. I can't cope

How does he know which one you've gone to? Does he ask for the CCTV?

Dear God. Who would have time for this absolute bullshit?

You can do so much better on your own OP. You sound organised, sensible and aware enough to push back. You just need to push him a bit harder - straight out the door.

@C8H10N4O2
I think you're right. It's been little things building up for a long time.
I think finances are one thing. I would literally really struggle on my own even with benefit entitlement.
We rent a house but the landlord has informed us she will be selling next year so if we are not in a position to buy, then we need to go.

Yes so he works 5 days but he will also pick up a lot of overtime.
I work 30 hours so 4 days but I do the washing, putting clothes away, food shopping, cooking, admin, sorting out the finances. He will do the cleaning aswell but everything else I do.

Exactly this - you dont like how I shop? Fine you do it

Well we are married and have been since my child was 7 and she's nearly 16 so yes he pays household bills and food shopping etc. our money is in our joint account.
I do get maintenance but it's very sporadic and as and when he can. My ex doesn't work nor claim benefits so it's difficult for the authorities to pull the maintenance from anywhere.

He’s getting pissy as a child is getting more potatoes than him?

id honestly look into leaving op, this won’t get any better with time, he’s getting jealous of how many potatoes a child gets, it’s unbelievable and you deserve better than this weirdo controlling manchild.

He asks me. He said don't tell me you have been to "retail park".
My response is yes it's easier it's round the corner from work etc etc.
I get WHY? Why do you keep going there just go to this supermarket. I say no it's easier for me after work and I go to a couple of different shops. I just get quizzed and questioned over why I'm going "all the way there".

Ditch him. Couldn't be doing with it.

So, you do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry? Why?

And he’s having a go at you about a quid’s worth of petrol and laundry detergent, but updating the car? OP, seriously, how is this even ‘an argument’?

I'd be tempted to tell him you need a break from grocery shopping and give him a list of what you think you'll need for the week. See how he copes with that and the fact there may not be something in reality he really wants/needs.

If not, agree to shop in small Aldi and if they don't sell, go without for 2-3 weeks - see what he's got to say then. Obviously if you're running out of a preferred clothes wash, making sure the last wash or two is all your things, he can go without or have a less preferred brand.

So he resents your child. Classy. Fucking potatoes ffs because that's the thing he can quantify right in front of his face. What are you going to do about it?

'All the way there'? When you're already practically there? Is he thick?

No it is weird. I mean sometime I tell husband to go to a particular supermarket if he is shopping- as he might only be able to get some random item I have asked for- from there.

But it is the odd nature of telling OP what retail park to go to when they have the same shop. I know its controlling behaviour but really strange thing to control.

Hope you ok OP.

You know you don’t have to engage in this, right? You can say ‘I’m not discussing this again’ and just not.

If you can’t do that, because he won’t let you, then all the red flags in this post have correctly signalled that you’re in an abusive relationship.

The thing is, it's not really about which shop. He just wants to control.
So saying, its bigger, there's more choice, bigger car park, the other shops are next door so you are potentially saving money as you don't need to drive to somewhere else too, Its probably saving money in the long run, its easier for YOU.... he won't listen.
Just Grey Rock him.
"Did you go to retail park ?" , you: "Hmmm?"
"It's a waste of petrol" you: very vague "do you think so" or "oh dear"....

We have a Lidl about 5 mins from home , another 15 mins away and a third 20 mins away - we shop at the farthest one , it’s more modern and stock a larger range of the weekly offers - extra £2 or so on petrol doesn’t matter

This is so perplexing. Is he generally this stupid? This is what I would be asking him. And if he thinks that's disrespectful then ask him what he thinks grilling you about where you go to do the weekly shop is.

Idiot.

@JessiePink

Honestly, I'd look him straight in the eye and say "I am not going to justify to you where I choose to shop for this family. If you don't like my shopping habits then feel free to take over that particular duty. After all there is no law saying that the wife must do the shopping". Either that or I'd sigh loudly, take a pound out of my purse, dramatically put it in his hand and say "There, feel better? Now shut up about where I shop".

Frankly, he sounds controlling. This may be a situation where he's afraid to 'say too much' because he doesn't know where your limit is, so is making little controlling gestures where he feels safe that you won't say "Enough with you, GTFO", but it's enough to make him feel like 'the big man'. Are there other 'little' areas where he does the same? Maybe you don't fold clothes right, don't load the dishwasher the right way, picked the 'wrong' colour/item, you know, things like that. Taken individually they're small annoyances. Put together, it's control.

I would think long and hard about buying together even if you can.

Couples can survive a great deal if they operate as a team/equal partners overall but how do you feel about spending the next 30 years like this with a man who seems to lack basic respect for you or your contributions to the marriage?

That drip drip of things over a long time suggests its worth taking a long hard look at what you want out of the next few decades and is this the relationship to take you through that time or to be endured for that time?