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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I controlling or is it my DH?

114 replies

Mill8909 · 01/09/2024 21:19

My DH often speaks of one women at work - they are equals. Plus, I usually walk on him at home when he’s been chatting to her for ages. It does sound work-related, but I sometimes overheard something more personal. He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out, and he did to please me, but he’s unhappy. He said the women at work is a good colleague and a great source of support for him at work. He’s now avoiding her, and he’s moaning about being unhappy. I haven’t met her, but when I visited at work, I saw one attractive woman- he later confirmed that’s her. He’s not cheating - he never goes out, doesn’t travel for work, and comes home straight after work, but this closeness with her annoys me. She’s now moving over to his department-same seniority as him and he’s encouraging her to move…Am I being weird?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 01/09/2024 21:22

If you aren't worried about him cheating, then what is the issue with him being friends with his colleague?

greatcoffeebadhair · 01/09/2024 21:24

I think you’re being weird, yes. I wouldn’t dream of telling my husband who he can be friends with.

BlueMum16 · 01/09/2024 21:26

If you have not cheating concerns why are you choosing his friend's?

ForeverPombear · 01/09/2024 21:28

He never goes out, doesn't travel to work, comes straight home and you aren't worried about him cheating.

Stop telling him who he can be friends with, he hasn't done anything wrong but a partner deciding who their partner can and can't be friends with and controlling them like this doesn't often end well, the partner understandably gets sick of it.

LissyG · 01/09/2024 21:30

Is he working when he's talking to her? Like WFH? Or are they contacting one another outside of work?

Original poster
Mill8909 · 01/09/2024 21:35

WFH, I meant. From what I gather he talks to her a lot. Not just work but all personal stuff too. He’s introverted and hardly talks to anyone but with her it’s non stop.

OP posts:
Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 01/09/2024 21:36

I can understand you being concerned that your DH is forming an emotional attachment to this woman and that you feel it's inappropriate he is confiding his personal feelings to her.

However I don't think you can tell him to " cut it out". You don't really have the right to tell him what to do.

What you can do is talk to him about how his friendship with her makes you feel. You can ask him to maintain boundaries with this woman . You can ask him to keep the relationship professional and not personal. But ultimately it's for him to decide whether he is willing to do these things.

5128gap · 01/09/2024 21:36

No, you're not being weird. A partners new closeness to an attractive colleague of the opposite sex is a risk point in a marriage. It is extremely common for these friendships to develop into more, due to the bonds built by so much time together and shared interests. That's not saying its definitely going to happen, but its common enough that its sonething for both you and your husband to be wary of.

I'm not sure what exactly you've asked him to cut out? But the fact reduced contact with her is making him 'unhappy' isn't great, because she shouldn't matter that much. I doubt reduced contact with a male colleague would lead him to describe himself as 'unhappy'.

sneezethemoment · 01/09/2024 21:39

How and why did you visit?

I’ve genuinely never known anyone’s partners actually go through security and cone into the office.

LissyG · 01/09/2024 21:42

I WFH and have a great relationship with my boss. We call about work and half the time it goes off track talking about the kids, life, family, you name it. We get on really well and would talk about anything, if my DH had a problem with that then that would be his problem. As it happens he doesn't have a problem at all, he knows how supportive my boss is and wants me to have a good working relationship. Absolutely nothing ever in a million years would make me think anything more of the relationship other than what it is.

Original poster
Mill8909 · 01/09/2024 21:47

A family day at work around Christmas. Nothing unusual.
He’s unhappy at work - a terrible workplace, and she came three years ago. Due to Covid/hybrid work, he hasn’t been at the office much - 2 days a week. But it sounds like they are offloading to each other about work stress. I do listen to him, but I have my limits. They are messaging and calling each other for support.
He isn’t sneaking off or calling her over weekends - it feels like he needs her to deal with the stress of that place. So now, he has nobody there to talk to about it, and he is unhappy.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/09/2024 21:49

I don't know whether you have anything to worry about op....but it does strike me as funny that when many men make new female friends at work, they are usually attractive and/or younger than them? So strange that they never become such great friends with the 60 year old grandma who works in the office....

What a puzzle....

CoralReader · 01/09/2024 21:51

YABVU

DonkeyyDoo · 01/09/2024 21:54

greatcoffeebadhair · 01/09/2024 21:24

I think you’re being weird, yes. I wouldn’t dream of telling my husband who he can be friends with.

And I bet you wouldn’t say that if your DH was good looking and starts working closely with an attractive 30 year old that he over shares with!

I didn’t care who my ex was chatting to etc as I wasn’t arsed about him sexually at all but my good looks DH would be a different kettle of fish

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2024 21:56

Comedycook · 01/09/2024 21:49

I don't know whether you have anything to worry about op....but it does strike me as funny that when many men make new female friends at work, they are usually attractive and/or younger than them? So strange that they never become such great friends with the 60 year old grandma who works in the office....

What a puzzle....

Edited

It's never the middle-aged bloke from the mailroom, is it? Funny that.

DonkeyyDoo · 01/09/2024 21:58

YANBU OP

I suspect most of the comments on here are from women who have DH that aren’t attractive to younger good looking work colleagues. It’s easy for them to say I’m not bothered bla bla because the opportunity wouldn’t arise for their DH to cheat.

sneezethemoment · 01/09/2024 22:08

Just sounds like trauma bonding over a toxic workplace. Which in itself isn’t great because you both just add fuel to the fire of how much you both hate work and it becomes toxic and draining moaning about the same thing.

I am a firm believer in that ANYONE can cheat. So if their relationship makes you uncomfortable then I get that.

Original poster
Mill8909 · 01/09/2024 22:09

I am now thinking if nothing happened in 3 years, what could ever happen… I don’t know. He was much happier when chatting to her as frankly I have had enough of listening about his workplace.
She’s younger from what I gather but not too much younger than him plus they are of the same seniority. When I saw her in the office - she looked very elegant and conservatively dressed - she looked very beautiful- one of those women who doesn’t need much make up….

OP posts:
heartofsilver · 01/09/2024 22:10

You can't tell him who he can talk to but you can set your own boundaries and say you will not be in a marriage with someone who disrespects you and shares a closeness with another woman which you are uncomfortable with.
Most dh wouldn't in the first place because they wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable and would see it as inappropriate but then if your dh doesn't put your feelings before another woman you have some thinking to do, she's coming between you and he's not putting his marriage first.
How would he feel if you grew close to another man?

MadeleineLucyMaxwell · 01/09/2024 22:12

He's unhappy and talks talks someone in the same situation as him that understands what he's going through.
You don't sound jealous as you're confident he wouldn't cheat so it seems like you're controlling who he is friends with but why?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 01/09/2024 22:14

So his one outlet to complain about work and being stressed is now gone - no wonder he’s unhappy!

i feel like everyone needs a work friend like this that you can vent to - nobody outside of work can ever fully understand what’s going on in there!

MadeleineLucyMaxwell · 01/09/2024 22:15

heartofsilver · 01/09/2024 22:10

You can't tell him who he can talk to but you can set your own boundaries and say you will not be in a marriage with someone who disrespects you and shares a closeness with another woman which you are uncomfortable with.
Most dh wouldn't in the first place because they wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable and would see it as inappropriate but then if your dh doesn't put your feelings before another woman you have some thinking to do, she's coming between you and he's not putting his marriage first.
How would he feel if you grew close to another man?

That's beyond manipulative. 'Talk to who you want but if you do I'll leave'

CrumpetsandJammmm · 01/09/2024 22:15

I regularly offload to male colleagues/friends at work. We might have a good Teams natter when things are particularly frustrating. I’d be livid if DH said I needed to stop talking to one of them because they were male.

justasking111 · 01/09/2024 22:19

sneezethemoment · 01/09/2024 22:08

Just sounds like trauma bonding over a toxic workplace. Which in itself isn’t great because you both just add fuel to the fire of how much you both hate work and it becomes toxic and draining moaning about the same thing.

I am a firm believer in that ANYONE can cheat. So if their relationship makes you uncomfortable then I get that.

The toxic work place will bond them. Happened to me once but I walked out and found a much better job.

I would suggest that your husband looking around finds another job ASAP. Just the act of job hunting cheered me up.

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 22:21

I guess it all depends on individual circumstances.

One of my good male friends, I met at work 12 years ago now (I'm a little older than him, so out goes the younger theory) He was in a long term relationship at the time but his then gf never had an issue. I met her and got on really well with her too, I'd even meet her for lunch and a chat, when she had a miscarriage we'd talk for ages as I'd been through the same. I was at their engagement party and wedding. I actually have as much in common with her as I do him.

One thing I will say is we have never crossed a line like speaking on the phone many times a week or been emotionally reliant on each other or have ever done anything that would make his wife uncomfortable and if she was, I'd absolutely have stepped back and I know 100% he would have supported doing anything to make her comfortable and not make her feel bad about it.

Would you feel any different if you met her? Do you think if you saw yourself their dynamic it might either confirm your uncomfortably or put your mind at ease?