Am I controlling or is it my DH?

[Mill8909]

My DH often speaks of one women at work - they are equals. Plus, I usually walk on him at home when he’s been chatting to her for ages. It does sound work-related, but I sometimes overheard something more personal. He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out, and he did to please me, but he’s unhappy. He said the women at work is a good colleague and a great source of support for him at work. He’s now avoiding her, and he’s moaning about being unhappy. I haven’t met her, but when I visited at work, I saw one attractive woman- he later confirmed that’s her. He’s not cheating - he never goes out, doesn’t travel for work, and comes home straight after work, but this closeness with her annoys me. She’s now moving over to his department-same seniority as him and he’s encouraging her to move…Am I being weird?

I think affairs begin for a few reasons. Mainly because someone is unhappy. So needs aren't being met and the relationship is not a space where that person can open up and talk about it and work through the problems.

I am not defending affairs and I think if a relationship is not emotionally close or supportive to meet your needs, the right thing is to end the relationship and not cheat.

Relationships take work on both sides.

My ex husband had a friend at work, I was pleased for him because he hated the job, quite senior, several moves but hated them all .. I trusted him totally, apart from anything else I worked with all men, and from time to time one got a crush on me, never a problem.

Anyhow ... I'll cut out the middle, they are married now.

You're right! I'm insanely jealous of all women and keep my husband in a blindfold lest he peek. I censor all media and only let him out when I can ensure there will be no women. I'm bang to rights!

Some affairs start as close relationships between colleagues. This doesn't mean all close relationships between colleagues will turn into affairs. Logical fallacy.

They're not having an emotional affair.

I disagree. I think affairs begin because of opportunity, irrespective of the state of the marriage. I think people are naive if they think that given an opportunity their spouse won't be tempted.

They're not having an emotional affair.

In your opinion.

I've been married for 20 years. I wouldn't still be married if my husband controlled my friendships just in case there was an opportunity for me to cheat. In fact that would be a massive red flag to me and I would be running in the opposite direction.

I think you're telling on yourself, and if the sexes were reversed and the wife posted here she'd be told that not only was her h being controlling, but he was probably overcompensating for his own wish to have an affair.

People on the internet talk a lot of crap, I thought this was well known.

You're deliberately misinterpreting what I'm saying and that's ok.

But opportunity is everywhere, every day, and most people manage not to have affairs. Trying to ensure your partner never has the opportunity to cheat is futile and incredibly controlling.

Purely on the evidence of what the OP has written, if you think that's an emotional affair for certain then you're the red flag.

You said you think affairs start because of opportunity regardless of the state of the marriage.

I have interpreted this as that you think a happy marriage is where no one has close friendships with people that they might be attracted to, in case they have an affair.

If I have interpreted this wrong please clarify your statement.

I would not encourage my husband to have a close friendship where he talked for hours to another woman.

I understand that the cool cats think spending hours taking to another woman is perfectly harmless behaviour but 60% of marriages end because of infidelity and they all start somewhere.

I think it's naive to think otherwise, you think it's controlling.

Not a day goes by that I don’t share my innermost thoughts with Brian from Accounts!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying you are feeling insecure about the relationship, you are worried it might lead to an emotional affair without making demands on him. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

But you can't be certain either, that's why it's an opinion and not a fact.

I object to that because I have the opportunity but I'm not taking it because I don't want to. I love my partner and wouldn't cheat on him because that's not me. Its not just about the opportunity its also about wanting to cheat. Or is it only men who wouldn't be able to resist?

I'm a middle aged woman who has been married for 20 years. I would hardly describe myself as a cool cat 😅

Infidelity arises out of unhappiness. Someone takes an opportunity because they are unhappy.

Yes I absolutely 100% think it's controlling to control who your spouse can be friends with because you are paranoid about them cheating.

Very well put. Couldn't agree more.

Infidelity doesn't arise out of unhappiness. I don't know how many people I know who have been blindsided by an affair when they were in happy marriages. However, this is just a yes it is, no it isn't exchange so I'll bow out.

They are discussing work stress though and the OP herself said she doesn't want to listen to him talking about work stress. Should he just bottle it up?

As I'm sure you're aware both sexes cheat. I'm sure a lot of people who cheat, never thought they would. Sometimes affairs happen spontaneously. Sometimes people are serial cheats and so on. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons. Object away.

So their partner was happy and still had an affair? Or they thought their partner was happy?

Everyone I've known who has split over an affair has never been blindsided. Not really. They've been sad and disappointed about the cheating. Maybe they thought their partner would/should have had the guts to end it. But they truly did not think everything was 100% OK.

I can see how you feel. It seems like he is pretty close with her. If it really is just a platonic friendship then you'd think she and him would want to meet with you outside of work, along with her partner if she had one. If there's an opposite sex friendship that seems that close I think the person's partner should be able to make friends with them also.

You are being controlling. I have a very good male friend at work and I would not be happy if my DH told me to stop speaking to him