Am I controlling or is it my DH?

[Mill8909]

My DH often speaks of one women at work - they are equals. Plus, I usually walk on him at home when he’s been chatting to her for ages. It does sound work-related, but I sometimes overheard something more personal. He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out, and he did to please me, but he’s unhappy. He said the women at work is a good colleague and a great source of support for him at work. He’s now avoiding her, and he’s moaning about being unhappy. I haven’t met her, but when I visited at work, I saw one attractive woman- he later confirmed that’s her. He’s not cheating - he never goes out, doesn’t travel for work, and comes home straight after work, but this closeness with her annoys me. She’s now moving over to his department-same seniority as him and he’s encouraging her to move…Am I being weird?

We have different experiences and have known different people. I know men who see having a mistress as something they feel they're entitled to, irrespective of how happy they are in their marriage. I know people who, no matter who they're with, will cheat given the opportunity. I know people who have had affairs and left their spouse for them, not because they were unhappy but because they met someone they liked more. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons.

Of course people have affairs for all sorts of reasons. What people are objecting to is you saying anyone who gets the opportunity will cheat. That isn't true.

First, I'm arguing against those who say that affairs only happen because the marriage is unhappy.

Second, I'm saying that affairs can happen for any reason given the opportunity.

That doesn't mean a person will automatically and without any doubt have an affair because they're alone with a person of the opposite (or same) sex.

I wouldn't want my husband to talk for hours to an attractive woman at work. Obviously there are many here who don't see that as a problem; I think that's naïve. Affairs start somewhere and are responsible for breaking up the majority of marriages. I'm obviously a walking red flag.

I understand that the cool cats think spending hours taking to another woman is perfectly harmless behaviour but 60% of marriages end because of infidelity and they all start somewhere.

That's nonsense for a start. 42% of marriages end in divorce in the UK. Of those, they won't all be because of infidelity. 10% are because of financial reasons, others will be because of incompatibility or abuse or many other reasons.

Its not about being a cool cat.

He offloads to this woman about work. The OP doesn't want to listen to him off loading to her but she doesn't want him to off load to the work colleague either. So what does he do bottle it up and wait for it to come out in the form of a breakdown? Its not always as straightforward as find another job. OP says it would be hard to find one that pays as well so is she prepared to have a drop in income or can she make up the shortfall.

If all affairs start with opportunity as claimed upthread, then no one is ever allowed to do anything without a partner chaperone?

I would add there’s not much less attractive than a jealous and controlling partner. It’s not being cool wife, it’s having open conversations.

There’s no affair. He’s at home a lot. Plus they have been working together for 3 years. No reason to doubt him as he is/always putting me and the kids first.
I get his work is stressful and I can’t listen or understand all the craziness there. Just a few times I walked in and he was looking a bit sheepish talking to her and they can talk for ages! Always - she’s the best, knows what’s she doing. Only normal person there. She gets me etc

In all honesty, comments like that would bug me. I've no issue with opposite sex friendships, especially as I have them myself, but the "she gets me" etc would grate on me. Have you said you have no problem with the friendship but more his attitude around it and that those comments are making you uncomfortable, not that he has someone who he can talk shop with.

He didn’t introduce me to her when we were in the office…

Perhaps others won’t listen. He’s introverted and doesn’t make many friends. The intensity of his friendship with her is odd. She lived for over a decade in his country of birth (another English-speaking country), so there was a significant bond there, too.

He puts you and the kids first but who puts him first he wants to talk yet you dont want to hear him but he has to hear you.
He dont have many mates now he has one you dont like it.
Sorry but you sound controlling.
Just because he`s a man dont mean he dont have feelings.
If this thread was about you and he didnt want you talking to another man or didnt want to hear what you say he would be called all sorts and hes abusive.
Hes only human just like you what is he to do bottle it up have a breakdown.
My oldest mate is a man and we just click with each other but there is nothing else if i was told to stop talking to him id show whoever the front door.
A marriage takes 2 to make it work its not all about you.

Telling someone you work with that work stressed you out so much that it kept you awake isn't confiding personal stuff; that's work related chat that breaks up the boring today we need to do x,y,z chat!

My husband never went out etc but he’s been texting other women, I know it my heart nothing physical ever happened but it’s still feels to me on a par with it.

trust your instincts. If I had and checked his phone he may not have lost his job for it.

Are you projecting your insecurities or has your husband crossed any boundaries you have?

We all have different boundaries so none of us can tell you if he’s crossed yours. You need to discuss your boundaries with your husband so that you are both clear on them. These cannot be boundaries you have but have not communicated with him.

What I would say, as someone who has a stressful job, by having one very good work friend, I have been able to navigate some tough work issues/ stress etc without losing the plot, and I have maintained my professionalism with everyone else. I would prefer not to come home and rant at my husband about work stuff when he won’t understand but also, that is our time, and I think if you remain in a negative headspace for too long, it becomes unhealthy. Me and my husband both discuss work for 10-15 minutes and then we move on with our evening.

You need to have a discussion with your husband about this, and explain how you feel but I wouldn’t be jumping to conclusions just because she is a female.

To be honest @Mill8909 i would worry about an affair, but only because you aren’t supporting him rather than her “tempting” him away. He is clearly very unhappy at work but stays there for the money to keep the family going and you are telling him not to talk to you about work as you’re tired of hearing about it, that not very supportive. Let him have his friend, but do take a look at your relationship, I don’t believe if a marriage is strong it can be broken from the outside.

Goodness me, there is a lot of very insecure and jealous people responding. And I’m not sure they are giving the balanced answers. Do you really think she’d shag your husband op. Is he all that? And do you think he’d cheat if she would and given a chance?

If the answer to the latter is yes, you’ve bigger problems and banning him speaking to her isn’t going to help.

if the answer to the former is no, she’d likely not snag him, you’ve bigger issues again, as it means you’re just jealous and insecure.

Don't add to your DH's work woes. He's not a cheater.

It's so terrible that your DH has a bad environment at worrk.
How stressful for him every day.

I would be advising him to brain storm about what he can do to change that.

Can you invite three of his work mates (the woman included) over to a BBQ at your place where they can try to list positive changes they could put in place to improve their work situation? Would going bowling every fortnight together with their spouses happy up the work dynamics?

Something has to change or your poor husband will be unhappy for years.
Can he find another job?

He talked to her about being stressed - waking up at 3:30 am. I told him to cut it out

Yes I think this is controlling. Plenty of colleagues vent to each other about being stressed.

i have a very close male work friend. my husband doesn't have any issues with it we know each others partners and children. it's just work

Are you aloud male friends
Are you aloud to work with other males
Are you aloud to speak to other males
If the answer is yes to all three then you are being controlling and abusive by not allowing your husband to work with females be friendly with females and chat to females you would rather him be miserable a'd only talk to a'd spend time with you while you do exactly as you please regardless

So you don't want to support him, and no one else is allowed? Or only ugly women / other men?

You get that op doesn't want to listen to him right? And now he's not allowed to offload to someone else because seeking the emotional support she won't give is apparently disrespectful? And we wonder why male suicide rates are so high

This is how affairs start. He is unaware of falling into an age old trap. I would be very concerned. I would make sure to have a super sexy underwear